Wake Me When It's Over
by A One Girl Revolution
Summary: AU/AH Clary was raised by her father, a strict martial arts trainer. Her mother died when she was 14. Her father is abusive and she only has three people in her life that she can really trust. When a new black belt shows up she is shocked to find that she likes him, she's not supposed to fall in love...and neither is he...so what is this? M for self harm.
1. Chapter One: Sleepless Night

**AN: I hope you guys like this. Let me know what you think. Love it? Let me know! Hate it? Let me know! Feel like flaming it? Go right ahead! Lol I really don't care what you say, so just say something.**

**Disclaimer (I hate disclaimers and there will only be this one that goes for the whole story). I own nothing. I am just a fan girl who loves to write. This is and I really don't see why we do these things...anyone agree?**

**I like to put songs with chapters and characters (the characters "theme songs" change as the story goes on) so here goes,**

**Simon's "Theme song" for the chapter is I'm For You by TobyMac**

**Clary doesn't have a song yet, any suggestions? **

**The song for this chapter is Those Nights by Skillet**

Clary couldn't sleep, she tossed and turned for hours, finally she pulled out her phone and texted Simon.

'You still up?'

Almost instantly she got a reply, 'I am now, thanks Fray.'

She smiled, her mothers maiden name. The name she would someday go by. Only Simon called her that. Her father didn't like it when she used her mother's name, so she didn't, not around him anyway. Around him she was Clarissa Morgenstern...unless of course she wanted to make him mad. Making him mad was never a good idea...not that she didn't do it every now and then. Someone needed to put him in his place and since everyone else was too scarred to that left her, not that it ever worked...or ended in anything other then pain. But some times it was worth it. She was a red head after all and sometimes she just had to give in to her temper -Simon called it giving in to her hair...Simon said lots of stupid things.

'Sorry next time turn off your phone if you don't want to be awakened' she texted back.

'what's wrong?' she sighed he knew her too well.

'long story, the short answer is dad'

'when is it not? Get over here Fray' she smiled. She had been hoping he would say that.

She got out of bed, she was wearing sweatpants and a cammie, she didn't bother changing her clothes, just grabbed a tee shirt and threw it over the cammie, she didn't bother with shoes, shoes were to loud. She stood on top of her dresser once again cursing her shortness (what sort of 17 year old was only five feet and apparently done growing?) she carefully slide the air vent cover aside and pulled herself up into the vent. The vents were big, like the ones people were ways crawling through in movies. Only in real life a fully grown man probably would fit up there and if he did it was highly doubtful it would hold his weight. This was a the side to being short and tiny and she knew she would never trade for being normal sized. She was always the one to go crawling through the vents never Simon, they we afraid that anyone bigger then her might break it, it was after all very old. They had discovered that they could use the vents like this when they were twelve. Actually Clary's mother had showed them the vents and how to use them, that was just before she had gotten sick, now Clary often wondered if maybe her mom had known she was getting sick. Had known she would be leaving her daughter to fend for herself (her brother Jonathan did what he could for her but that wasn't much, if he got caught helping her they would both regret it). So her mother had made sure that she had a way to get to a safe place, Simon's room. Simon was a student at the center, he had started taking classes there when he was 5, he and Clary had been best friends since the day they met. He had moved in as a live in student when he was 10 shortly after his father died.

She was now above his room, she silently slipped out of the vent and landed on the floor, Simon who was laying on his bed didn't even hear her, she smiled, she was good, she soundlessly came up behind him and jumped onto the bed. He made a squeaking sound of surprise and she laughed. He smiled being scared out of his mind was worth in if it got her to laugh, she almost never laughed anymore and he missed it, he just wanted her to be happy again.

"You may well scare me to death one of these days, then where would you be?"

'Without a friend in the world.' her mind answered. She didn't say anything though, just whacked him with a pillow.

"Would you mind telling me why you're still awake at 1:30 in the morning?"

"Sorry... I just...needed someone... to talk to..."

He sat up and put his arm around her, "Don't be sorry."

She leaned her head on his shoulder, some people might think she and Simon would make a good couple but she loved him like a brother, nothing more, nothing less. He had like liked her at one point but he was over that now, mostly. He knew he would never trade her friendship for anything and there was this new girl at the center, Mia...

Clary didn't say anything for a while, just sat there with her head on his shoulder. Finally she said, "Dads going to get extra strict tomorrow, all those new trainers are coming next week, and he'll want us to all be at our best...especially me..."

So this was what was bothering her. He didn't know what to say so he squeezed her shoulders in what she thought of as a Simon hug. This was apparently the right thing to do because she went on, "I'm going to start teaching too, once they get here... I'm scarred Simon." she was two belt levels ahead of him and qualified to teach. She was now a fourth don back belt and he was only a second don. But for 17 year olds being above first don was something to be proud of, especially here. Her father ran the best and strictest training center in the U.S.

"You'll be fine. You're great with kids."

"Yea I guess... I just..." she sighed. "I miss my mom...like a lot." she whispered, not that anyone but Simon could hear her anyway, but somethings just couldn't be said aloud.

He nodded, "I know, Clary, I know." that was the thing about Simon he really did know, he wasn't just saying it. She hugged him. As he hugged back she started crying. She hated crying but if she had to cry the best place to do it seemed to be into Simon's shoulder. He held as she cried, like he always did, she had done the same for him many times. As she started to calm down he rubbed her back, she filched.

"Clary, did he whip you again?" she shook her head, she always did.

"Lie down" she hesitated. "Now."

She lay down on her back, despite the pain in her back it was part of what she always did. "Clary." his voice was gentle. "Now." she didn't move so he gently flipped her over and pulled up the back of her shirt. He tried not to show the horror he felt at the sight that awaited him. There was a new mark, it was the only red one thank God. He stroked her hair, she was so brave.

"Clary you have to tell me, so I can make it better."

She didn't say anything. Nothing made it better, they both knew that, he did make it hurt less though and that was something.

"I'll be right back." he went to get the first aid stuff out of his draw. He poured hydrogen peroxide over it and let it sit for a moment, her knew it stung but she never complained. Then ever so carefully he patted it dry with a soft cloth. Lastly he rubbed in some anti itch cream, it wasn't nearly as bad as some of the injuries he had treated for her and it would get to the itchy stage quite quickly. She hated the itchy stage, and anything he could do to make her life a little better was not nearly enough.

"You should get some sleep now." he said quietly. She didn't want to leave. "Can I sleep here tonight?" she hated to ask even though she knew he didn't mind, it seemed like showing weakness- Simon and Jonathan were the only people still alive that she trust enough to show weakness to. They had slept in the same bed as children when they would have sleepovers so now when one of them needed comfort in the middle of the night they did the same.

"Duh." Simon answered.

They lay down under the comforter. Simon wrapped his arms around her and she was almost asleep instantly.

Just before she fell asleep she whispered, "Wake me when it's over." it something they said when they were "in the depths of despair". Simon had said it first shortly after he moved into the center, when the pain of losing his father had seemed too much to bear, the first night they slept together here. It had stuck and now they both used it as a sort of code that meant 'thank you for being here for me', 'I don't know how much longer I can take this,' and so much more, all in just 5 little words, "wake me when it's over."

Simon stroked her hair again and whispered good night. She was already asleep. He smiled and soon followed her into the land of dreams, but not before wondering for what had to be the thousandth time what he could do to get her out of here. He didn't really want to live here forever either but there was no way he would leave Clary here alone.

**So how was it? :) If you find and weird mistakes (and this goes for every chapter) please point them out! I am spell checking and proofreading about a million times but stupid dyslexia gets in the way anyway. Totally off topic but does anyone else think that the person who named dyslexia was laughing their head off the the whole time? I mean really! Why would you name it something so hard to spell? :P lol Sorry I just had to get that off my chest.**


	2. Chapter Two: Not Alone

**Chapter 2 Not Alone**

**AN: Thank you to IzzySnow95 3 for pointing out that in the last paragraph of the first chapter, the first time it says "wake me when it's over" I forgot the word "when". Of all the things for me to mess up... XP lol It's fixed now. :)**

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed or added the story to their favorites or alerts. 3**

**Songs: **

**Simon, Izzy and Alec are sharing the song Hurt by Thousand Foot Krutch**

**Clary's song is Open Wounds by Skillet (it's the perfect song for Clary right now!) **

**Jace's doesn't really have a song so for now I'm going with Blood In The Tears by Demon Hunter but if you can think of a better one let me know!**

Clary always woke up at, 5:30 everyone at the center had to be up by 6:30 and to breakfast in what she and Simon called the great hall by 7:00 unless they were black belts, black belts had to be at training by 6:30 and got breakfast at 7:30 (this included all the instructors age 25 and under who had to follow a strict training program along with their teaching duties) then they had to attend school within the center (again young instructors included, although they didn't go for as long as the other students). Valentine believed that being strong of body was worthless if you were weak of mind.

Clary woke up at 5:30, as ways, she needed some alone time to prepare herself for what ever the day might bring. Of course it wasn't really alone time with Simon right there but that only made it better. She picked up one her Harry Potter books that she kept here so her father didn't know about them. He had never told her not to read them but he tended to think anything that wasn't a classic was brain rotting and that was worth a wiping. She had wanted to keep them in her room anyway, he almost never came in there and when he did he didn't stay long, he probably would have never even noticed them, but Simon had talked her out of it, he didn't know why she was always so willing to risk getting in trouble he had saved her from beatings more times then he knew just by not letting her do stupid little things like that. She loved reading, almost as much as she loved drawing. Luke always sent her books, Luke was her fathers best friend. He had been her first martial arts instructor. Her father had wanted nothing to do with her training until she had begun to show promise, so he had entrusted her to Luke, who had been working for him at the time. Luke was always welcome back but Clary got the feeling he wasn't overly fond of her father these days. He still sent her books though and candy and all the things her father wouldn't allow. He sent them to Simon to insure that she would get them and it made her wonder how much he knew or suspected about the way she was treated.

Not that he could do anything about it. Shortly after thief mother died Jonathan had found out what was going on. He had called the police right away. No one had believed them. Valentine was greatly respected and it was their word against his. They had showed the police where Clary had been whipped but they only said that it looked like welts she could have gotten just as easily in sword practice.

He had beaten her badly that night, Jonathan hadn't been allowed near her for a week. After the week was over though their father went back to acting like the whole thing had never happened. He had told Jonathan then what would happen to Clary if they ever pulled anything like that again. He never threatened Jon, never. Everything Jon did was perfect, everything Clary did was wrong. She didn't resent Jon for this although she did wish that like him she could go off and study under other masters. But she wasn't good enough, she was never good enough.

She remembered that night, lying on her bed face down sobbing. Simon had texted her about some stupid thing he had found funny, she had been in too much pain to answer and after calling and texting her multiple times he had broken their rule and climbed through the vents to check on her.

He had found her still bleeding, for once unable to even try to hide her wounds.

"Clary?" he had whispered. Unable to truly believe that this was really his Clary.

"Out, get out." she had managed to get out through her tears.

"No Clary, I'm going to help you, I'm going to make it better." he had wanted to pass out at the sight of the blood soaking through her shirt, but somehow he had managed to stay calm and do what had to be done.

Once he cleaned her up and banged her wounds the best he could he had held her, carefully so as not to cause her more pain, but in a way that made her feel safe. She had managed to explain to him what had happened and how her father had said that for the next week as far as anyone else would know she would be sick, unable to leave her room, but then she must return to classes as usual. He would not come to see her during this week. No one would, meals would be sent to her and friends could visit (after she had cleaned up), so as not to arouse suspicion, but she was not to tell anyone anything. Or else. She found out from Jon latter what or else was and she didn't like it. Not that she would have told anyone anyway, she wouldn't even have told Simon if he hadn't found her bleeding.

Her stupid trader of a brain was making her remember all this for some reason, she hated remembering. She curled up in a ball as if she could thus protect herself from the memories, it didn't work, she made an involuntary whimpering noise and suddenly Simons arms were around her, and she was no longer alone. She put her head on his shoulder and he pulled her close. This was nice but only because she knew they were just friends. Men were dangerous and she had decided on that awful day that she would have nothing to do them, ever, she had never even dated and that was how she planned on keeping it. Simon held her and talked to her until she was calm enough to read, then still holding her, he went back to sleep for as long as he possibly could.

In New York another teenager with a dark past was suffering from a traderess memory.

Jace yelled out in his sleep, it was a wordless yell of pain and fear that brought two people quickly to his side. Strong hands grabbed him and he yelled again. Then he heard the voices that went with the hands and woke up. A girl and a boy were staring down at him with a mix of fear and love in their eyes. They were clearly brother and sister, they were both tall with the same black hair, but the boy was paler and had surprisingly blue eyes and the girl was breathtakingly beautiful with brown eyes and perfect hair despite the fact that she had been awaken by screaming and came running as fast as she could.

The boy who had been screaming was also breathtakingly beautiful, he had golden hair and pale gold eyes and even golden tan skin. But his eyes were wild with fear and even as it faded you got the idea that fear that horrible never left a person completely.

"Jace it's ok, we're here." the girl hugged him.

"Izzy." Jace said softly blinking up at her in confusion.

"Everything's ok Jace." the dark haired boy said laying his hand on Jaces arm.

"Alec." Jace said as if surprised that anyone would come to make sure he was ok. He was always surprised, every time, they had come every time for over 4 years and yet he still wasn't used to being loved.

"I'm sorry I woke you up." he said looking away in shame.

"Don't be." they both said at the same time.

Isabelle ran a finger over one of the many scars on his arm, "It's not your fault Jace."

"You always say that."

"Well that would be because it's always true oh stupid brother of mine."

"Right." he said sarcastically.

"You know it's true, now try to get some sleep, it's 5:30 we have to be up in an hour and a half." Alec said as he patted his brother's arm and headed for the door, "Unless of course you want to talk about it?"

"Hell no."

Alec shook his head and walk out the door he paused once more just before rounding the corner, "If you change your mind know where to find me."

Jace rolled his eyes and turned to look at Isabelle only to find that she was curling up on the bed next to him.

"And what do you think you're doing?"

"Going to back to sleep."

"And what exactly is wrong with your own room?"

"Jace? Do you remember when you were and Alec were 15 and 16 and I was 14?"

"Of course." That was right after he had first came here right after, he shook his head. No, no more memories.

"Remember that night when you heard me crying and came into my room? Remember how you didn't think I was stupid for being afraid of the dark?" No one else is the world knew she had ever been afraid of the dark, not even Alec, not even her mom and dad and Jace had never told anyone, thank God! She had told everyone she just used a nightlight because she didn't want to trip on things in the dark and given the state of her room and the fact she was never afraid of anything everyone had believed her. But that night she had decided enough was a enough, no more night lights for her.

He just nodded.

"Remember how you told me it was ok, that I wasn't alone and how you stayed with me till I fell asleep? I was never afraid of the dark after that."

"Your point?"

"I want to do that for you."

"It won't work, you've tried it before just with out the back story." he might be talking like he didn't care but he didn't mean it and she knew it and he knew she knew it.

"Jace. You moron. The point is you're not alone. And if I stay with you, you might believe me."

He sighed. "Fine." he remembered more than she did. He remembered waking up that morning and finding that for the first time in his life someone needed him. He was part of a family.

After a awhile he said, "What if it happens there?"

"Then we deal with that then." she looked him in the eye and added, "together."

He shook his head he didn't deserve them. But it sure was nice to have them.

"Thanks Iz." he said quietly.

"Duh." Isabelle replied.


	3. Love, Hurt, Pain The Same

Chapter 3 Fear, love, pain

Clary's song is still Open Wounds.

Jaces song is Welcome to My Life by Simple Plan (What's this? A song other people might have heard of? D= lol)

It was the day they were leaving to go work and train at the most perstegous traing center in the U.S. and Jace felt like getting out of bed was quite simply impossible. He had been doing so well against the depression. Of all the times for it to come back!

"Jace, it's time for breakfast!" it was Isabelle, "Mom is gonna freak if you don't hurry up! And Max seems to think your taking him to the zoo before we leave!"

"Yea, yea tell her I'll be right there!"

"Alec! Get out of the bathroom! I need to do my hair!" he heard her yell as she walked down the hallway.

He thought about what he had to do before they took the train to hell as he had started to think of it, they were leaving that night.

He had one more section with his counselor that day. He also had promised to do something with Max before they left. He had been thinking more of walking to the park down the street but if the little boy wanted to go to the zoo the zoo it was. Max was the one person he never got mad, the only person he wasn't scarred to to show that he cared about.

He heard a knock at the door.

"I'll be right down!"

"It's me." said a small voice.

"Well then me, come on in." Max came in and sat down on the bed.

"You okay?"

Jace smiled, the little boy always knew when something was bothering him.

"I'm fine Max. So I hear you want to go to the zoo?"

Max was not to be so easily distracted. "Yes please. It's taking you to long to come down. I don't want you get sick again."

Jace knew Max talking about the times he spent days in his room, unable to stand being around other people, only coming down for training. Max was the only one who was allowed in his room then, the little boy would bring him his meals and sometimes tell him stories, for some reason Max always mad him feel better. Jace thought it made him weak to care about people but he cared about his family more then he liked to admit, he just had a hard time showing it. Max though was so sweat and innocent he felt he had an excuse, no one could help but love the little boy.

"I won't. I have to take you to the zoo."

"Okay good, now come on!" he grabbed Jace's hand and pulled him down the stairs.

"Clary, chillax." Simon wispered.

They were at breakfast, the black belts had just got there and the younger kids were just finishing up. Her father was about to make an announcement. She had no more clue what it was then the others did, but well everyone else was whispering about it she was sitting here freaking out.

"Never say chillax again please. It just doesnt work for you."

"What,l am I too cool to say chillax?"

She rolled her eyes "hardly." Simon made a pouty face, but he was glad she was no longer staring off into space looking lost. Sometimes she really scarred him when she got like that.

"Atation please." the room fell silent.

"As you all know a group of new instucors are arriving tomorrow. The new students will be arriving next week. Unfircedently I have urgent business to tend to out of town. I will be leaving the day after tomorrow. And will be gone for at least a week. I acpect you to all be on your beast behavior well I am gone. A good friend mine, Luke Garrow will be filling in for me while I am gone."

Clary knew better then to say anything while her father was speaking but Simon could see her delight at the news that Luke was coming back."

"He will be filling my place while I am absent, however he will also be in of our young instructors who are still in training. He will remain at this position for the foreseeable future."

Clary's face light up but she quickly put her mask of inderfnce back on. Simon noticed the only people she really showed emotion around these days were himself and Jonathan and aperntly Luke though Luke hadn't been around in forever and Jonathan was rarely arou

He headed torowed the door, pausing next to Clary, he laid a hand on her shoulder. It took everything she had not to flinch. Flinching was a sign was weakness. She must never show weakness. When she did he tried to beat it out of her, which only made her more likly to flinch next time. Sometimes she had to wonder if he was right, maybe she was weak, useless. But no... She wasn't. Was she?

"I would like to speak with you in my rooms as soon as you finish breakfast."

"Yes father."

As he vanished around the corner Simon squeezed her hand under the table. "It's gonna be fine." Not that she would believe him, it but he had to say something.

"Yea cuz I'm sure he all he wants is to hug me goodbye, right?"

"Just try to eat something." she tried but failed. When breakfast was over it was almost a relief to go to her fathers rooms. At least what ever was going to happen would soon be over.

Jace walked down the stairs trying to seem like he was okay. No one seemed to notice that anything was wrong. The truth was that his brother and sister were almost as freaked out as he was and if they noticed he was upset they ignored it they didn't want to call attention to the fact that they were to, so they let him be in hopes he would do the same for them. "Jace there you are! Can you give me a hand in the kitchen please?" Mrs. Lightwood asked, well it sounded like she was asking any way but in truth it was an order. If he didn't do as she ask he would pay. But she wasn't only like that with him, she treated him just like she did her other children. He didn't understand why. Why would they love him? How could they love him? But they did. He liked being loved. But he knew that made him weak and he tried his hardest to hind it.

He walked to the kitchen thinking how this was the first 'normal" day in a long time that he hadn't been down in the karate school either to train or teach by his time. His family ran Lightwood instutint for mastal arts. He walked into the kitchen.

"Yes mom?"

"Jace I spoke with your consoler. He agreed to do setions with you over the phone.

"Gee thanks mom."

"Jace. I can't make you do this. Your over 18 you could revoke the permission you gave for Mike to speak with me and I wouldn't be able to do a thing about it. I wouldn't be mad at you. But please listen to me. Your doing so well, I'm so proud of you. I don't want you to back slide. No mother wants to see their child like that. I know you don't understand it but I love you. Seeing you like that hurt me just as much as it would have been it Alec or Isabelle. Youv been through things no 19 year old should. Things no one should ever have to go through. It's a wonder you made it this far, needing help is nothing to be ashamed of."

This talk again. Mayris was a strict women but she could be gentle, especially with Jace. She had grown up in foster care herself and well her experiences had been nothing to Jace's that didn't mean it had been fun.

She gave him a quick hug, "Please Jace?"

"Yea sure, if it makes you feel better." he returned her hug.

"Well, now that that's settled you can take that plate of bacon out to the table."

Clary joined Simon and the other black belts in the libary. She picked up the book she was supposed to be reading, Great Expections by Chales Dickens. Simon saw that she was sitting carefully as if afaid of getting hurt.

"We have 15 minutes free time after sinece." he wispered. "Meet me it my room so I can take a look at that." he nodded to her back, where he knew he would find anther red, swollen mark.

"It's nothing."

"You don't have a choice."

She rolled her eyes but said nothing she didn't want to get caught talking in class.


	4. What's Next?

**AN: You guys are amazing! This story already has 10 reviews and 23 subscribers! You really have no idea how absurdly happy this makes me! Like almost as happy as I would be if there was a knock on the door right now and I answered it and there was Jace standing there! XD So keep it up! Can we get over 15 reviews by the next chapter?**

**And one more thing, PEASE READ! I know you were all asking for Jace and Clary to meet already and I'm getting there as soon as I can, I'm just trying to develop their characters and what not so the story can be the best that I can make it. To quote Monk "You'll thank me latter." But I did give you Jace with Max which is soooo sweat I think it makes up for waiting for them to meet, and they will more then likely meet in the next chapter.**

**If your dying to read about Jace and Clary right this second you can always go and read my other story "The Real Jace". XD**

Jace got back in the car, thank God that was over. Stupid Mike, stupid Mayris making him continue stupid consoling over the stupid phone. Stupid life! He sighed, no he wouldn't think like that, not now, now he had to take Max to the zoo. He could think suicidal thoughts latter, on the train. He wouldn'y actually try to kill himself- not anymore- but the thoughts were still there sometimes... He hadn't realized he had been sitting there thinking for so long till he heard a knock on the window, he turned to see who it was, it was Mike. Again stupid Mike.

"Hey man, you okay?"

This was thing about Mike you just felt like you were talking to a regular person, and he really cared, he didn't just pretend to because it was his job When Jace had first come to the Lightwoods he had been in a bad place, his social worker had set up counseling for him with a lady who assumed she knew everything about him, yeah right. She was just like every other counselor or therapist he had ever been to, useless. But Mayriss was unlike any other foster mom he had ever had, she actually cared. Actually wanted him to get better. She had started looking for someone else for him to talk to, she made him try a few other people before they found Mike, Mike was just out of school and didn't have much experience but he knew how to talk to Jace, and how to listen to him too and Mayriss knew that this was more important then experience.

"Yeah, fine." Jace answered.

"Right, that's why you're sitting in my parking lot, starting off into space totally out of it?"

"Isn't my time up?"

"Yea but I don't have any appointments for like two more hours. So talk."

There you go, that was Mike, working extra, for free, because he didn't have anything else to do. And it wasn't even just because Jace was his favorite patient, which he was, the boy had been through so much more than any of his other patients, he was broken anyone would be, but he was strong, he rarely complained and didn't just makes things up like so many of the teenagers who come to see him, he was also one of his first patients and the only one still coming to him.

"Just nervous about Morgenstern Institute, like I said before."

"Anyone would be. My first day of this I had a panic attack. And it's my job to keep people from having panic attacks."

Jace laughed, "That must have sucked."

"Ya know, just a little." Mike laughed too.

"So what's exactly are you nervous about? Just the new place and being a teacher and whatnot?" they hadn't talked about this stuff much today, mostly they had went over ways for Jace to calm himself down, control his anger or depression as the case may be.

Jace shook his head, "Well that too but what if I wake up screaming in the night? What if I lose it in front of everyone? What if someone sees you know what? What if the depression wins again? I could hardly get out of bed this morning."

"Whoa, slow down. First of all if a frog had wings"

"He wouldn't bump his butt every time he jumped" Jace finished, "I still thinks that a stupid saying, and you still have to answer my questions." He said his voice returning to its normal arrogant tone.

"If someone hears you scream it's not the end of the word, just say you had a bad dream, it's true." (He knew Jace never lied.) "But it probably won't even happen. People will understand, same goes for if anyone sees you know what. The depression won't win, if it trys to you can always call me or talk to your brother or sister, I know they want to help you in any way they can. And Jace? You were thinking about death again just now weren't you?"

Jace looked at him defiantly, he never lied, but he did refuse to answer.

"Weren't you?" Mike repeated.

"How could you tell?"

"I just could. Listen to me Jace you don't have to go. Mayriss and Robert would gladly let you stay and teach here. But I know you want to go, right?"

"Yea." he did but Lightwood institute was the only place he ever been safe but he didn't want to be left behind if Alec and Isabelle were going.

"Look this is a wonderful opportunity for you and it would be a shame to let your past steal it from you. Alex and Isabelle will be there for you if you need them, just don't be afraid to ask them for help."

Right like it was that easy...

"Thanks, I gotta go, Max is probably bouncing off the walls at this point."

"Talk to you next week, but remember if you need to call before then don't hesitate."

"Right see ya later."

Jace pulled out of the parking lot feeling a bit better, not much, but a bit.

Clary once again lay face down on Simon's bed. God it hurt, you would think by this point she would be used to it, but no, it never seemed to get any easier. Simon pulled up the back of her shirt and gasped audibly. She had known it was bad, I mean come on it hurt like hell but when she heard Simon gasp she began to worry. Maybe it was worse then she thought, her father was always careful not to go so far that she would need a hospital but maybe he had gone to far this time.

"Is it that bad?" she asked her voice full of fear.

Simon realized he had scarred the poor thing and mentally kicked himself for having gasped, but this was just so horrible!

"No Clary, your fine. It's just... This is a burn."

"I know." her voice was so calm! He ran his fingers through her hair and whispered, "I'll be right back."

He came back with burn cream and wet, cold, cloth. He lay the cloth on her back and watched as she relaxed a bit.

"Thank Sie." she said gratefully.

"Any time...Clary... Why did he do this?" he had to know so he could know how to better protect her in the future.

"To remind me to behave now that he will have nothing to do with my training."

"So he burnt you?"

"Yes, with a lighter, but Sie your missing the point! Now that he has nothing to do with my training! He he has nothing to do with my training!"

"Wait he said that?"

"Yes! He said that I'm to be just one of the new instructors, not his daughter, he will not be giving me any special favors, or not, he will be much to busy and what not, and he's not even gonna be in the country a good bit of time!" she started off mocking her fathering voice but ended in an excited squeal. This was just too good to be true!

"The amazing Jace has returned!"

He announced had to flung open the front door. "Who's ready to go to the zoo?"

Mayriss was in the kitchen, having taken the day off from instructing, and she couldn't help but smile as she heard this followed by Max shouting "Meeeeeee!" and the sound of him running to the door to greet his favorite sibling.

Jace laughed as Max came running at him, he picked him up and spun him around. Max squealed in delight and Jace laughed again.

"Ready little man?"

"I was born ready." Max responded, he had clearly learned this from Jace and the older boy ruffled his hair and lead him out the door, trying not to laugh but having trouble holding it in.

"Hey! What's so funny? You think it's cool when you say it!"

"Max my darling, nothing he says is cool." Izzy informed him as they were about to close the door.

"Just ignore her Max, she's just jealous of our extreme levels of awesome."

"In your dreams."

"So Max you want you to stop for ice cream before or after the zoo?"

"Ummm, well mom said we're all gonna go out to eat before you leave so we better go now so she doesnt freak about us ruining our appetites."

Jace smiled, he loved it when Max tried to talk like a teenager, it was adorable, not that he would ever admit to thinking such things.

He realized this would be his last day with Max for a while. They would a close enough to come home for the holidays of course and even an occasional weekend, but not every weekend. He pushed the thought away, determined to enjoy it, he could be depressed about it later.

It was just after dinner, since the new instructors would be there tomorrow everyone got the off, there was no classes or training of any kind, everywhere you looked you saw kids goofing off, enjoying this rare freedom.

Clary and Simon were in Simon's room watching Lord of the Rings on the little tv his mom had sent him. She was laying on her stomach, at Simons insistence, he bathed her back with cold water.

"You don't have to do this."

"I knew." he replied as he continued.

"Thanks."

Just then there was a knock at the door, she jumped up, pulled her shirt down and quickly put the wet cloth and the little bowl of cold water under the bed.

Simon opened the door, "Hey there, is Clary by any chance here?"

Before he finished his sentence she ran across the room and threw herself at him.

"Luke!"

He laughed "Clary!" he held her for a moment. When let go and held her out at arm's length for a good look at her, he was surprised to find that her face looked harder then what he remembered, and there something about her eyes, she had the look of a teenager who had had a hard life, he knew losing her mother had been hard on her but...it looked like there was more to it then just that.

"You two want to go get some ice cream and catch up?"

They did, they didn't get ice cream very often.

He smiled at their enthusiastic responses.

"Then by all means, let's go."

Jace stood by the window of train with Alec and Izzy, trying to keep a happy face on for Max. When they could no longer see their family they sat down, none of them saying anything.

"So who's scared out their mind?" Izzy said after a while, trying to sound like she joking. The other two saw right through it, they raised their hands.

Jace was glad he wasn't the only one.

They talked for a while about absolutely nothing, just trying to distract themselves, it worked to a point.

Eventually they started talking about what they thought it would be like there and that helped too.

Mike was right Alec and Izzy were here with him, he wasn't a alone, he would be fine, there was nothing freak out about, probably.

**AN: Okay so I feel like somethings missing at the end but I don't know what...any suggestions? Also did I misspell Mrs. Lightwoods name? If so, how is it spelled?**


	5. Imagination

Chapter 5

Thank you, thank you thank you! *screams in happiness* 17 reviews, 30 subscribers! Can we make 25 reviews before the next chapter?

Or am I being super unrealistic? What ever! Lets at least break 20 okay? I update faster when I'm super excited from reviews! Don't worry though I'm not gonna hold chapters hostage for a certain number for reviews or anything like that.

On to the story! Oh and btw there is weird duck or goose or some such thing in my yard that won't shut up... I hate ducks... XD

On to the the story! (for real this time)

Clary lay in bed, (on her side) to happy to sleep. She hadn't felt this good in a long time. But then her brain started being stupid again and she wondered if she deserved to be this happy? Parents loved their children no matter what right? If you weren't good enough for your own father to love you you had to be completely worthless. She sighed, so much for happiness, then she felt even more guilty, she right no right to wish for happiness! That was why she never told her mom that her father hit her. When she was alive her mother had been nothing but loving to her, she had known she didn't deserve it though. He had been hitting since she was six. Once her mother died it had only gotten worse, whipping, and now burning. She dug her fingernails into her arm, hard. She closed her eyes at the pain, she deserved it. It made up for her having been so happy, she needed more pain... maybe she should... She snapped out of it, no! No! She would not let him do this to her! Every time she started to get her life back! This was so unfair! She buried her face in her pillow. No, she couldn't break, not now. She had to be strong. Tomorrow she would be meeting the other new teachers, she was the best, she would show them. She would prove to everyone that she was not worthless.

Jace took a deep breath, "in for four seconds, hold for seven, slowly let it out for eight" just like Mike had taught him,it made him feel a little calmer. Not much. It was supposed to have the same effect on your nervous system that cutting yourself did... It didn't. Jace looked around, it was just him and Izzy and Alec in here, Izzy and Alec were both asleep...

He reached into his pocket and pulled out his pocket knife, he flipped it open, he started to moving it toward his arm.

"Jace." Alec's voice was quiet but sharp, "Don't you dare."

He had been sitting across the aisle but he was next to Jace so fast that Jace wasn't quite sure how he got there.

He took the knife from Jace's hand, closed it, and slipped it into his own pocket.

"I-" Jace began, unsure what to say.

"Stop it Jace. You're not thinking clearly, what if Iz had been the one to not really be asleep? She would have woken up the whole train yelling at you. More importantly what if we had both really been asleep?" He was wisper yelling, whisper yelling is generally very hard to take seriously but Alec only talked when need be and never yelled, whisper or otherwise so he got his point across quite nicely.

"I'd feel a hell of alot better right now." Jace mumbled.

"For how long? A few minutes? Then you'd realize what you'd done and feel worse? And don't deny it, you know I'm right."

It was true, he knew it was true, he just looked at the other boy. "Fine" he said after a while, "Can I have my knife back now?"

"Absolutely not." Alec replied calmly. "Now what's that breathing thing you're supposed to do?"

"I already tryed it."

"What? Like once? You know it takes more then that. Look I think I could use some calming down too, I'll do it with you, I'm too stressed about tomorrow to sleep, is tomorrow all that's bothering you?"

"No, it's that and everything else." he didn't know why he was talking to Alec, but they were closer than brothers and he knew could tell him anything, there were however something's which he would much rather never think about, let alone talk about, was all he was gonna tell Alec and he wished he hadn't said that much.

Alec knew that for Jace even saying that much was a lot and that this was all he was gonna get.

"Okay now how does it go?"

Jace told him.

They did it together a few times. It really did help, Alec felt a ton better after about 3 times, but knew it would take longer for Jace. He could tell Jace was losing patience, he was speeding up his breathing trying to make it work faster, it didn't work that way though and they both knew it. Alec began slowly counting out loud, "1,2,3,4. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8." After about five minutes of this Jace was glad he hadn't cut himself.

"Thanks bro."

"Anytime." Alec replied.

"Sorry about this whole thing."

"Look, you wanna make it up to me?"

Jace nodded.

"Then promise me when we get there if you feel like cutting you'll come to me first."

Jace rolled his eyes to hide the fact that he was touched by this. "What, so you can count while I breath?"

"If it helps."

"It does." he didn't know why it did, but it did.

"Then it's settled. Promise?"

"Promise." Jace sighed, it was hard work having a family.

He finally fell asleep, he had a dream, one of the recurring ones, he didn't scream though, only whimpered in his sleep, he didn't even know he had whimpered, he would have stayed asleep if not for Isabelle "Jace." Izzy's voice was gentle, for a change she was neither yelling or squealing.

"I can't sleep Jace."

"I was sleeping." he replied but he wasn't mad, she saved him from a nightmare and even if she hadn't he wouldn't be mad at her. He glanced over at Alec, he appeared to be asleep but that clearly didn't mean anything. "Okay we clearly need a distraction." Isabelle said, Jace couldn't agree more.

"Alec?" Izzy whispered.

Alec looked over at them, clearly you could never trust that he was truly asleep.

"We should play a game." Isabelle announced. Neither of the boys could think of anything better to do so they agreed.

They played every stupid little kid game Isabelle could think of, 20 questions, even I spy, it was actually pretty fun. At least it kept Jace from thinking too much.

He decided that he was going to show how strong he really was, no breakdowns, no anything. He was going to start over, he knew he was good, he would prove to everyone that he was the best. No matter what voices replaying over and over in his head were saying he was not worthless.

Simon lay in bed staring at the ceiling, spending the evening with Luke had been fun, and Clary had been so happy! But it had reminded him of when his father used to take the two of them places. He really missed him, not a day went by that he didn't miss him, but some days were worse then others, some days like today he needed Clary, he didn't want to bother her, she was so happy, but...

He pulled out his phone and quickly texted her.

"Hey Fray, you wantta come over here?"

She looked at her phone, it was Simon, she put down the knife she had been about to use, so much for not breaking...he had saved her, this time, and there wouldn't be a next time...not if she could help it, but could she?

"Sounds good Lewis. What's up?"she texted back.

"Thinking about dad.."

"Be right there."

As she was crawling through the vents she got a another text this one from Jonathan!

"Hey Clare bear! I'll be home tomorrow!"

"OMG really?Can't wait! How long u staying 4?"

"A while, I'm gonna be teaching, didn't dad tell you? I'll be helping with the training of the first year instructors."

"John you'll be training me!"

"Watch out sis"

"Lol we'll see. I gtg, Simon needs me"

"Tell the geek I say hi, love u!"

"Will do, luv u 2 :)"

She swung down into Simon's room, "You okay?"

"Yeah," his eyes were shining from tears, "Just didn't want to be alone you know?" she did know. She ran to him and gave him a hug.

"Sorry to bother you weren't sleeping were you?"

"No, I have good news!"

He smiled as they sat down on the bed, "What would that be?"

John coming home! Tomorrow! And he's going to be helping Luke!"

Simon knew this would be the job John would more then any other. It didn't make sense that Valentine would just give it to him... He must have had some evil plan behind all this... He know Clary knew this, he was right she did, but they both pushed it aside for the time being, Valentine was rich and powerful, they couldn't stop him, so they may as well be happy while they could.

They got off the train carrying their bags. Now what? Someone was supposed to be there to pick them up. But how were they supposed to know who.

There a boy standing there, looking around, looking almost as confused as they felt, Isabelle was too nervous to ask him if he was there for them, but not being one to admit to fear she claimed that if she went up and talked to a random stranger he might rape her due her amazing looks then how would they feel, being that they supposed to be her protective older brothers? Jace pointed out that she was a fourth don black belt, same as them. She just ignored him.

Jace didn't really want to ask either but he saw Alec was about to and decided to take over, Alec hated talking to people and Jace definitely owed him one, or maybe more like one hundred...

"Are you by any chance here to pick up the three most amazing martial artist that ever lived? I am of course the most amazing of the three."

The other boy quickly overcame his shock and smiled, "Alexander and Isabelle Lightwood and Jonathan Wayland?"

"Yes, yes but my name should come first and you can call me Jace."

Isabelle apparently overcoming her fear of being raped stepped forward "Ignore my brother, he's an idiot."

"I thought that one was your brother?" Jonathan said confused.

"They both are, and they're both idiots."

"I see, and what about you? Are you an idiot also?"

Jace smirked, he was gonna like this boy, especially as he didn't seem to be drooling over Izzy like most guys did.

"W-what?"

"Well it seems a fair question, if idiocy run in the family the way you say it does."

"No she just doesn't know how to shut up." Alec said finally speaking up.

"And you must be Alexander?" John said laughing.

"Alec."

"And I'm Izzy, to people I like any way, you might get stuck calling me Isabelle if you keep this up."

but she smiled and he could tell she didn't really mean it.

"I see, I'm John by the way."

They got in John's car and started the hour drive to the Institute, it turned out they got along very well, although Jace acted like an ass upon finding out that John would be "in charge" of them as he had put it. By the time they got there it was clear the two of them were going to be friends, Jace didn't make friends easily, in fact till now his only real friends had been Alec and Izzy.

Valentine had had to leave a day early on account of the threat of bad weather keeping his plane from leaving the next day. So Luk, being in charge, had given Clary the day off, since the other instructors would be getting here later that day,

She had been keeping watch all day and when she saw Jon pull up she ran to meet him, she was hiding just out of sight, waiting for him to get out of the car. As soon as he got out of the car she was on top of him.

"Jon!" she squealed happily.

"Clare bear!" he responded picking her up and spinning her around.

"You okay?" he whispered in her ear.

"I am now, lets not talk about this now, please?"

"Fine, latter."

He sat her down and kissed the top of her head.

"Guys this is my little sister Clary. Clary this is Alec, Isabelle, who may or may not allow us to call her Izzy and Jace.

"Hey" she said slightly awkwardly, she hadn't noticed they were even there.

"You can call me Izzy just not him." Isabelle said pointing at John.

Clary laughed, "What did the idiot do this time?"

"Apparently we're all idiots." John said amused.

"I think we're gonna be friends." Izzy said, quickly explaining how her brothers were also idiots.

Then Clary looked at the other girl's brothers. Alec was good looking, clearly Izzy brother, then there was Jace, she felt her heart quicken as their eyes met, he was beautiful! And his eyes were pale gold! For a moment she let herself be a teenage girl. Then she remembered everything she had been through, and how she could never trust a man not ever! She thought she saw something in his eyes, something familiar, a haunted look, but it was gone so fast she must have imagined it.

As soon as he saw he loved her, but the he reminded himself that he didn't love, couldn't love. He saw something on her face though, just for a moment, the same pain he used to see in own eyes when he looked in the mirror, the pain he still did see, just not as much, or as often, thank God. But then it was gone so fast he had to have imagined it. No one else could be that broken could they? Least of all this happy little redhead.

**AN: Okay so was this chapter too long? I can never tell, let me know. What do you think thus far? Any ideas for what should happen? Do you think Izzy should date John or Simon? I want opinions here people! XD**

**Oh and just FYI the breathing thing Jace was doing? It works.**

**PLEASE READ! tlkin2much to much is having a MI fan fic contest, You have to let her know if you what to do it by July 2, please enter! I want to enter really bad and she's not gonna do it if she doesnt get at least 7 more people. Here is the link to her profile. Copy and past it if you cant click on it. **

** u/2811926/tlkin2much**


	6. Calm Before the Storm?

Okay, wow. 27 reviews! Thanks guys! You deserved a super quick update for that! However I now have this thing called a job... And it gets in the way of writing. XP I'll try to get the next chapter up by the end of the week though. :) Reviewers get cakes with a picture of Jace on on it! Mhhh Yummy! lol

Oh and I know before I said The Lightwoods live in New York, They don't, Clary does. Jace and Lightwoods live I don't know where...lol sorry about that.

Clary and Jon took The Lightwoods and Jace to meet Luke. Luke gave the teens the choice of resting or going sightseeing in New York, being that they wouldn't have much time for such things. They of course chose sightseeing. He kept Clary and Jon for a moment after the others had left his office.

"Would you two show them around for me? I would but I have to all this paperwork to do." he looked at the pile of papers in front of him as if he would like to burn it. Then he smiled "if you two want to go with them and show them around I'm sure they would apreate it."

Clary was almost never allowed out, before she could think about what she was saying she exclaimed, "Could we really?"

Luke gave her an odd look and Jon felt his heartbreak a little, his poor baby sister, stuck in this horrible place alone with him - he refused to show him the respect of referring to him as father or even Valentine, in his mind at least, to his face he had to be respectful or Clary would pay. But she wasn't really alone he reminded himself, she had the geek. And the place itself wasn't that horrible, it had once been wonderful place to be, and it could be again, he had plans of taking in over someday, making in a safe place for kids to be, to learn, maybe take in troubled kids. He mentally shook himself, pay attention! Focus! It was easy to get lost in these dreams, but that was all they were were for right now, dreams, at this moment in time his little sister was the only "troubled kid" he needed to worry about. He realized she was talking to Luke, trying to explain away her excitement at being allowed out.

"Aren't the live in students allowed out in their free time still or days off? That's how it was before."

They were if you were over 15 you could go out as long it didn't interfere with your training, if you were younger you to have someone older with you, but you still allowed out, unless you were Clary. She decided to tell the truth.

"Yes but father wants me to be the best that I can be," her best was nowhere near good enough though.

"So I have almost no free time." and what she did have mostly spent hiding in Simon's room...

Luke didn't like the sound of that, she was just a child, Valentine was pushing her too hard, he was going to break her spirit. He didn't know the half of it.

"Well, he said you are to be treated like all the others, so from now on when they have free time so do you."

"Thank you Luke!" she ran forward and gave him a quick hug. He smiled and returned the hug, Clary and Jon had always been like children to him, he could tell something was wrong, Clary seemed so... different, like she was trying to be something she wasn't, and Jon seemed worried. But he knew they wouldn't tell him what was up, the best he could do right now was to keep an eye on them, and try to get Clary to have some fun.

When they went back out to the hall the Alec, Jace and Izzy were just standing there.

"We have no idea where to go." Izzy stated.

"We'll show you." Clary smiled.

"Yea and if you don't how find your rooms I'm not sure we trust you wondering around the city on your own." Jon smirked.

"That's different!" Jace protested.

"Yea it is. It's harder." Clary shot back.

"Nice one little sis!" Jon gave her a high five.

Izzy laughed at the shocked expression on her brother's face. Jace wasn't at all used to girls talking him like that. Most were too busy drooling.

"Fine then. You have to show us around." Jace said, glad of an excuse to spend some with her, with them...he didn't like her, he didn't like her... Girls liked him, he dated them for a week or two, sometimes he slept with them, he didn't like them. That was just way it was, that way he didn't get hurt, that way he was safe. He never lied to them, never lead them to believe it was more than just a fling, he didn't want them to get hurt either, he wanted them to be safe too, but he didn't really care about them. But...no! Shut up brain! I don't like her! She's the daughter of the rich famous owner, she has had nothing but a good life, everything she wants, she probably doesn't even know how good she has it. She was the kind of person he disliked, he didn't like her...that worked, mostly.

Clary and Jon showed them around. First they got their stuff out of Jon's car and took it too their rooms. Izzy's room - much to the delight of both girls - was right across from Clary's.

Jace was glad to see that his room was next to Alec's, he didn't plan on losing it but if he did having Alec nearby could save him from people finding out...hopefully.

Jace's room was also right next to Simon's room, aka the room Clary often ended up in. It was probably a good thing he didn't know that.

"You guys ready to go?" Jon ask after all the bags had been dumped in the appropriate rooms.

"We have to clean up first! Or I do any way, I look like hell! You guys may enjoy looking like slobs but I don't!"

"You look fine to me, but let us show you around really quick, then you guys can unpack and clean up or what ever before we go." Jon said, wondering how she could look any better then what she did now.

After showing them around, they agreed to meet in the courtyard in an hour, Clary went with Izzy to help her unpack and Jon who hadn't been home in months also went to unpack and settle in, maybe he should clean up too...Izzy had said the guys looked like slobs, and while he hopped she been referring to her brothers only he didn't want to take any chances.

After unpacking an absurd amount of clothes, and shoes and makeup and such, Izzy insisted on doing Clary's makeup and hair.

"There, now look."

"Wow." she just wished she actually cared, yea it was nice, and she was glad she seemed to have found a friend but it wasn't like she was trying to impress guys like Izzy was, she just wanted to blend in, if no one noticed her no one could hurt her.

Clary headed out to the court yard early. Izzy was taking a shower and whatnot, and everyone else was still busy. She headed over to the old playground that was there for the younger kids. She sat on one of the swings, thinking about her mom, her mom had always brought her out here when she was little.

Just then she noticed a movement out of the corner of her eye.

She turned and saw Jace headed toward her.

"I see Izz got to you with her makeup." he said trying not to sound as impressed as he was. "Looks nice." There was something about her expression...she looked scared? Sad? He didn't know then it was gone.

"Thanks, it's not my thing but Izzy insisted." she wasn't comfortable with this conversation, so she changed the subject. "You almost snuck up on me. No one can do that."

He sat on the swing next to her. "You noticed me, that never happens."

She smirked, "Well it does now."

There she went again. Talking to him in a way girls just didn't do, she didn't fall head over heals for him just because he was insanely hot.

"We'll see."

"Yes we will. By the only reason you got that close is because I wasn't paying attention."

Geez, if that was true she was good, he might be given a run for his money...or not, probably not.

"What were you paying attention to then?"

"Just thinking."

"About what?" he didn't know why he asked, it just came out.

A shadow quickly passed over her face, but it was gone so fast he once again wondered if he had imagined it.

"My mom." why had she told the truth?

"Oh." what the hell was he supposed to say to that?

Clary realized that had to be the most awkward answer ever, "She used to push me on the swings all the time when I was little." still not an answer girl, you got yourself into this you can this can get yourself out. She didn't say anything though, she couldn't make her mouth form the words.

"Is she...gone?" Jace ask softly when he saw she wasn't going to say anything. He wondered if maybe this girl had had a few bad things happen to her after all.

"She passed away when I was 14."

"I'm sorry." her really was, but still, at least she had had two real parents till she was 14 and they both loved her, didn't do...bad things to her.

Why was she talking to this boy? He had seemed so full of himself earlier, but he was being so gentle. It didn't matter, people lied, men especially, she couldn't let herself trust him to much. But they could be friends, that was it though, and she couldn't trust him not completely.

She looked so sad, just staring off into space, he silently crept around behind her, she noticed but didn't bother to do anything about it. Suddenly he pushed the swing, she let out a small scream and struggled not to fall off.

"Hey!" she exclaimed but she was laughing. He laughed to.

Just then Alec and Jon came out.

Jon saw that Clary was laughing and smiled, he knew she had trust issues and well how could she not, it was good to see that she still able to relax enough to have fun, especially around people she had just meat.

"Where's Izzy?" Alec ask. "It's been an hour."

"And Izzy is on time, when?" Jace pointed out.

After about half an hour Izzy finally showed up.

"You guys ready to go?" she asked as if she hadn't just made them wait for forever.

"Yes your majesty." Jace responded.

They left, they had a fun day but each of them was hiding something, Jace was trying too hard to act okay and came off as a bit of an ass hole (as always)l Clary was trying to hid the depression that was always eating away at her, and the fact that she was allowed out so infrequently that she didn't know the city any better than they did, Izzy and Alec were hiding their worry about Jace and Jon his worry about Clary. He was trying to figure out how okay she really was, maybe he should talk to the geek.

All in all the day went better than expected. Neither Clary or Jace were use to making friends, especially this quickly, it was nice, but each of them had to wonder if this was just the calm before the storm.

Okay this was kinda just filler and hopefully the next chapter won't take as long as this one, but what did you think?


	7. Weakness

**AN: I suck. Jace was 13 when he came to the Lightwoods, not 15 this makes Alec 14 and Izzy 12 at the time. Sorry, I keep having to change things :P**

Jace woke up with a groan, he had been up most of the night, and had made himself wake up early so he had time to pull himself together. This was gonna to a long day, hopefully it would get better... First days were supposed to be hard though, right?

He had had nightmares, but to his knowledge he hadn't screamed, maybe something in his subconscious only let him scream when he was safe at home? It seemed possible.

Home, he sighed, home was a thing he'd gone a long time without, but once he had found it he hadn't left, left untill now. He wanted to feel safe, he hated that he needed to feel safe, hated that he couldn't. When had been younger there had been no such thing as safe , even when he was as young as Max, even when he was younger then Max. He thought of Max waking him up every morning, sometimes calming him down if he had been having a bad dream, Max was only nine, he safe was safe and sheltered as as a nine year old should be. He didn't know why Jace had bad dreams but he knew that he could make him feel better, when when Jace had first come Max had been almost 4. Even then he could tell when something was wrong. Jace smiled as he remembered the little boy jumping up and down in front of him, chanting "Happy, happy, happy, happy Jace!" Until he smiled, then Max would proudly say. "Happy now!" and run away laughing still saying "Happy, happy, happy!"

He missed his little brother.

He pulled out his phone a sent a quick text to Max to Maryse's Phone, like he had promised to do if he didn't have time to call.

He put 'for Max' in the subject line.

'Hey little man, what's up? I'll try calling you later okay? TTYS.'

He forced himself out of bed. And felt a wave of fear washed over him. Stupid anxiety . He had that was gone, being in a strange place must have brought it back, it was too much like before, when he wnet from home to home, only now he has Alec and Izzy with him, he wasn't alone. He didn't like that he needed them, it put him in danger of losing them, or worse, hurting them, but without them he wouldn't be here, he wouldn't be even semi functional, he might not even be alive. He sat on the edge of the bed taking deep breaths, trying to think calming thoughts, screw that, he started practicing, kicks and punches. That helped.

There was a knock at his door, he answered it.

It was Alec.

"You okay ? You look... sweaty."

"Just practicing."

"Trying stay calm?" Alec asked knowingly.

Jace just rolled his eyes.

"Take a shower you look like hell."

"Gee thanks, I love you too."

This time Alec rolled his eyes. "Well if you're good Im gonna go take a shower too, see you in "the great hall"."

Jace smiled remembering Clary. Shit that girl was messing with his mind. The last thing he needed was more people in his life to care about.

"K see ya." he closed the door.

Clary had been exhausted the night before and had for once fallen asleep no problem. However when she woke up the next morning she started to panic. She wasn't good enough for this! She was going to be horrible! Okay, chill, time to hit the vents, this time she headed to Jon's room.

She dropped soundlessly to the floor. He didn't hear a thing. He was still sleeping.

"Jon?"

He heard her scarred voice and woke up immediately.

"How the hell did you get in here?"

She pointed at the vent and smiled.

"Geez sis, you're good."

She rolled her eyes.

"What's wrong?"

"Nervous." she said in a smile voice.

"Come here."

She shuddered, she didn't mean to but thats what their father said when he was going hurt her. And right now age knew she deserved to be hurt.

"Clary?"

"Sorry, you... you sounded like dad."

"Oh Clary. I'm sorry, baby."

He sat up and opened his arms to her. She flung herself at him.

"I would do anything to get you out of here."

She lost it sobbing into his shoulder. She shouldn't be crying. It it was weak, she deserved to be beaten for it.

"Shhh, Clary you're going to be fine." he whispered rubbing her back.

She flinched.

"Clary?" he pushed her off, "Lay down. Now" he added when she didn't.

Like she did with Simon she lay on her back.

"Clary, please?" his voice was pleading.

She didn't move, so he rolled her over.

"Jon no!"

He gently held her down and lifted her shirt.

"Jon!"

"Oh Clary!" he didn't know what to say, it was worse then he had expected.

"Is that a burn? He he burnt you?"

"Jon don't yell! Please don't yell! That's why I told you not to look!" she was shaking, his yelling might be overheard, plus yelling always made her think of being beaten.

"I'm sorry baby, but he can't do that!" she was his little sister! His baby! He was 4 years older and he had taken care of her since she WAS a baby! No one could do this to her!

"Yes Jon." she said calmly. "He can. He can do what ever he wants, I'm just a piece of property to him."

He knew it was true, but to hear her say it. So calmly, as if it was just a fact of life! It was too much!

"Clary listen to me, you're not a piece of property. He's not here right now, Luke is. I am. Neither of us would ever Do a thing to hurt you. If you need anything..."

"Jon you know we can't tell Luke."

"He already knows, or can tell something's up at any rate."

"But he doesn't know what! You know what dad will do in we tell!" finally her voice lost that strange calm it had had, he wanted to be glad the calm was gone but it was replaced by raw panic.

"Plus he might hurt Luke! He do whatever he wants you know! Please just don't do anything! Please just don't bring this up again? Okay?"

"Fine just one more question. Who takes care of your injuries?"

He couldn't bare to think that no one did. But at the same time he could see their father taking care of it just to make it less likely that anyone would see, and was somehow even worse.

"Simon does. He insists, I could do it myself though."

John let himself breath, he still hadn't gotten to talk to Simon, he needed to. It was good to be reminded that she had Simon when he himself couldn't be here. Simon loved her like a sister just like he did. It wasn't quite the same but it was something. It kept him from going completely crazy when he had to leave her here.

"Okay baby girl, we have to get ready for today. And you know what? I'm nervous to."

"Really? But you've taught before your good! Even dad says so." she was shocked that Jon might be scared to.

"This more responsibility then I had before. Like way more. And as for me being "good" dad's words mean nothing to me. And you stuck in here without me hearing you! That's good. Your better then me, you always have been, don't let him mess with your mind."

Yea right, it wasn't true, if it was he wouldn't beat her, wouldn't hate her, but it made her feel better. At least Jon thought she was good enough.

"See you in the great hall." she said giving him one last hug before climbing back though the vents.

Training went okay, all the new kids looked a little nevus. Except for Izzy, Jace and Clary. The three of them and Alec stuck together, Izzy found it a little strange that Clary didn't know anyone else, she had lived here her whole life and some these kids had been going here for years, most of them of course were the best from all over the country, but shouldn't she know at lest a few of them?

"So don't you know any of these kids?" Izzy was not one to keep her thoughts to herself.

"Nah, I mostly only hang out with Simon, he's third don. You'll meat him at breakfast. We should have some classes with him still to."

Izzy nodded, that seemed legit. Most of these people looked like those boring stick in the muds who only thought about training any way.

It soon became clear and Izzy and Jace were good, like really good.

Clary who still wanted to be the best kicked it up a notch.

"Damn, you have competition." Alec whispered to Jace.

Yea right, she did a kick and sent Izzy flying. Geez! He had trouble doing that! Okay maybe she would be a challenge, that was okay though, this would keep things interesting.

The rest of the day went well, at breakfast the four of them sat with Simon and Jon. Jon was talking to Simon when they came in but they stopped when they saw the others coming.

Simon just about drooled when he saw Izzy and Clary who thought it was hilarious had to kick him under the table several times to keep him from starting.

Luke had had the kitchen staff make pancakes, and Clary wished she could have seen their faces when he asked them about it. Especially as they weren't used to being asked about anything, they were used to orders that must be followed or else, and Luke hardly ever gave orders, when he did you knew you had to follow them but they were so infrequent you didn't mind following they never had pancakes!

They must have been even more shocked when he insisted on making some of them himself. Clary and Jon and the others at their table found themselves with pancakes in odd shapes, with smiley faces... They started laughing as soon as they saw them.

"What the hell?" asked Jace laughing at the thing on his plate was probably meant to look like a dog.

"Luke." said Clary also laughing.

"I think mine is a horse...maybe?"

Luke glanced over at them from the head table and smiled. Not only was he glad Clary seemed to be okay but Jace too. He had gone to school with Robert and Maryse She had called and let him know a little about her adopted son, asked him to keep an eye on him, make sure he was okay. Luke had been happy to do so and he hoped and Jace and Clary would be friends, they seemed to be getting along thus far.

The next week passed no problem. Valentine was going to to gone for a another week and everything was going fine. Then Clary found out that when the new students came she and Jace would be teaching a bunch of 4 and 5 year olds, alone, together. They hung out all the time, but never alone. This was gonna be bad. He had the same thought when he found out. Shit this was gonna be bad, but how bad?

**AN: A bit of a cliff hanger! Sorry about that! (not really) XD what do you think? How can I make it better? Any ideas for the story? Why did you not review the last chapter? Lol it made me sad. :'( XP XD**


	8. The Storm Is Coming

**AN: I meant to update sooner but between working and having writers block for this chapter that didn't work too well. :P**

_**Important!**_

_**does Jace seem to soft? This is the way I see him, he's hard on the outside but broken and hurting on the inside, that's why he tries so hard to act "okay" and he come off as as an ass whole. Is it coming across like that? He's really hard to write and suggestions are welcome and appreciated.**_

**Oh and I forgot to say in the last chapter, the way Max chanted "happy, happy, happy." till Jace smiled, my little brother does that to me. Lol So I didn't make that part up and I felt the need to give the credit to my brother. XD**

Jace woke up and immediately wished he had not. Teaching day...Yaaay! Only you know...not.

He liked little kids but being around them meant being nice...which meant looking weak, hopefully if he proved he was a better teacher then Clary was it wouldn't matter that he looked a little weak , or he could just be a jerk. But he knew he really couldn't do that. Every kid deserves to have someone care about them, he didn't know anything about these kids, he hadn't even met them yet. But he knew there was always a chance that they didn't have anyone that loved them, even these rich kids who came here might need someone to just give a damn. He always made sure to be kind to kids, he wanted to keep people from going through what he had if he could. His way of thinking was that if he could save lives before they needed to be saved his own suffering would be worth it. But this went kids only, older people were dangerous, kids were innocent and needed his protection, even if it meant he was weak, but if you weren't a kid, forget it, he had to protect himself too after all.

Clary woke up in good mood, that didn't last long...teaching day. She took a deep breath, it was going up be okay, she just had to be better then Jace, they were teaching the little kids to together then she and Izzy were teaching twelve year olds. That would be fun, the twelve year olds were live in students and so they had them everyday, two or three times a day, depending on the day, the institute was an odd place, it wasn't what you expected a karate school to be, they had to learn many more things then just karate, from sword fighting, to art, from math and such mundane things, to first aid. Even horseback riding. Until you were 14 you come live at home and attend part time or full time, but once you were 14 you to live there if you wanted continue.

She and Jace had the little kids every day six days a week, there were 3 groups of then, and they each had two lessons a week. This was going to be bad, but it could be worse, at least she was spending more time with Izzy then Jace and not the other way around. She could ask Luke to change it, he was after all the one who had put her and Jace together, but it would sound like winning and she didn't wine. Plus he would want to know why...and she didn't really know why. She only knew that didn't trust men, but she trusted Jace and didn't know why, so therefore she distrusted him even more. Plus he was too good. Shr wanted to be the best, needed to be the best, he had a family, they loved him, didn't beat him, didn't worry themselves sick about him like Jon did about her. He didn't need to prove himself. She did.

Jace heard a knock on his door, once again it was Alec.

"Im fine."

"Right well that's good, I'm scared to death." Alec responded with a small smile.

"you'll be fine. you working with 7 year olds with that weird Magnus kid right?"

"He's not weird."

Jace raised an eyebrow.

"shut it Jace."

Jace didn't say anything, he wanted his brother to be happy, and he really had a feeling that Magnus was...like Alec.

"So I saw you left this at home...and stuck it in my bag before we left...I didn't have a chance to give in to you till now."

He held it out, it was a little black box with a silver symbol on it, Mike called it a fearless rune.

He remembered the day he got that box.

**Flashback:**

_Mike had told him at his last appointment that he should bring someone he trusted with him next week, that could help him, be there whenever he needed them, he was going to give him something, teach me some new ways to cope and it would be best if a family member or close friend knew these things too. So here he was, wondering what the hell he was supposed to say, knowing only that this was the only person he could ask, as hard it was, knocking on Alecs bedroom door._

_Alec heard the knock at his door and opened it, he felt worry flood him when he saw the barely hidden panic in Jace's eyes._

_"Jace?"_

_"Alec... I-I need to a-ask you something." he was stuttering? Since when did he studer?_

_"What is it?"_

_"I-well- ummmmm."_

_Alec's heart broke the way it always did when Jace was like this. It made him want to hurt the people who had done this to him, this wasn't right! Jace shouldn't be this scarred of asking for help. That had to be what it was, he only got like this when he was asking for something. When he had first come he gotten like this asking Maryse for new shoes, after wearing his old ones for so long that he really could fit his feet in them any longer. He had gone so long thinking no one could care that asking for anything just felt wrong._

_"Jace what is it? It's okay, it's just me, calm down."_

_This was why he had picked Alec, he could calm him down...kind of, and he stayed calm about it. He trusted Izzy too but she was just too...Izzy._

_"Right. Well, ummm, can you come with me tomorrow?"_

_Surprise flashed across Alec's face. But there was only one thing he could say to that._

_"Of course." he had been supposed to work tomorrow, but he never took a day off and he could easily call in sick. When your brother and best friend asked you to go with him to consoling you couldn't say no._

_"You mean like sit in with you?" Alec asked just to clarify._

_"Yea, Mike said I need to be more trusting... And well..." he took a deep breath, it would be better if he told Alec then Mike saying something and Alec figuring it out. He pulled up his sleeve, there were several new cuts there._

_"He thinks I need someone here who knows...and Maryse would freak..."_

_Alec knew yelling would do no good but he wanted to scream at Jace and tell him what an idiot he was for doing this to himself, instead he said calmly,_

_"Of course I'll go with you. But you can tell mom, she freaks because she loves you, she'd be the same way if it was me or Izz...well maybe not Izz." he added to try to lighten the mood a little._

_It didn't work._

_"Thanks Alec." he had said in a Grateful but ashamed voiced voice._

_"Hey, now that that's settled how about some training?"_

_Jace had smiled at that, he might have started training later than most but he was catching up to Alec faster then Alec liked to think about, he didn't really care though, it helped Jace to cope so he practiced basically all the time._

_"Sure."_

_The next day Mike had given Jace the little box, in it were, a list of calming breathing exercises, washable red markers (because apparently using them on his body instead of cutting was supposed to be helpful), a letter from Mike and pictures of Alec, Izzy, Maryse and Robert, (that he had gotten from Maryse) to remind him that people loved him and needed him. The thing that helped most though was defideny the picute of himself with Max. It showed Jace and Max at the pool, about 6 months after he had come to the Lightwoods, Max was sitting on Jaces shoulders and both boys had on huge smiles. Jace remembered the day, it was just after the night he had heard Izzy crying, the night he had gotten a family. For the first time in his 13 years people needed him, wanted him there. The little boy clinging to him for dear life, sqeeling in delight and fear every time Jace tried to get him down was proof of that, proof that some cared, trusted him, needed him. Every time he looked at the picture he remembered that feeling._

_Alec had promised to be there whenever Jace needed him, whether he needed to talk or wanted someone to practice with, or he just couldn't trust himself to be alone. (He had already been willing to do those things but saying to aloud made it seem a little more real to Jace that Alec, his brother, was really there for him. Alec had even made a habit of carrying around red markers after that, when Jace seemed about to lose it he would slip him a marker, without anyone noticing. He still carried a red pen in his pocket, just in case._

**End Flashback:**

"I don't need it." Jace protested, then saw the worry on Alec's face, "Thanks though, you should try to get a little more sleep, it's over two hours before we need to be up."

He and Clary had both woken up woken up way earlier then even they they usaly did, neither knew that the other was though, they had no way of knowing that the other was just nervous as they were.

"I can't sleep."

"Same." Jace admitted.

Alec looked pretty freaked out. Jace didn't really know why but he figured it had to do with Magnus, and teaching, but mostly Magnus. What did know was that Alec would never leave him alone if he was the one that looked this stressed, admittedly Alec was alot more stable then he was, and would never do the things Jace did, but maybe Alec might still prefer not to be alone.

"Wanna hang out here?"

"Sure. If you don't mind."

Alec was always doing things for him, trying to help him, it drove him nuts, but still. Of course he didn't mind if he stayed here till it was time to do something other then freak out.

She needed to calm down, it felt like she was going to explode. She picked up the knife.

All the new instructors were very quite. There were about 25 of them altogether and all of them looked nervous. But Clary thought, none of the others were weak enough to have picked up a knife because of it.

Jace was sort of proud of himself, he had let Alec in, helped the other boy to chill out and not injured himself in anyway. But a voice in side kept telling that none of the others were had even thought of such things...they were all better then he was, but no, he was the best, he executed a perfect and highly complicated routine. Yep, he was the best.

Teaching with Izzy went well. Izzy knew Jace nervous about teaching with Clary. And based on Clary's behavior she might be almost as worried as Jace. She wished he would just admit that he liked her already. Clary was a nice girl, not like most of sluts he went out with, and he actually seemed to like her. The thing Izzy didn't get was, why Clary wouldn't admit that she liked him. She knew she did, all girls liked Jace, but it was different with Clary, didn't drool over him or act like a moron, but Izzy knew she liked him. She understood why Jace was the way he was, but as far as she knew Clary didn't have any excuses.

"Hello, most of you know me already, I'm Clary." she didn't use a last name, she didn't want risk using Fray and she would not use her father's name unless she had to.

"And I'm Isabelle Lightwood."

One uneventful class latter, it was time to teach with Jace... She was afraid of how he would be with little kids, he could be super nice one minute and a total ass the next.

That first day on the swings he'd seemed kind, gentle, like he cared. But she could tell he thought he'd had a hard life, and she lived on easy street, and he resented her for it. If only he knew the truth. He was adopted, big deal, they loved him, didn't hate him, he needed to get over it.

She was about to walk into the classroom when she heard voices, she froze. A little girl was sobbing clinging to a woman who Clary assumed was her mother, the mother was trying to leave but the little girl wouldn't let her.

"Im so sorry, I was afraid this would happen, that's why we got here early."

Clary realized the mother was talking to Jace.

"Don't worry about it. She's just a kid, she's scared." Jace replied.

Clary was surprised to see that Jace looked worried about the little girl.

"Hey now, it's okay, I'm going not to eat you, I promise." he said gently.

The little girl looked at him, she wasn't crying anymore but she still looked scared.

"Is this the first time your doing something without your mom?"

She shook her head. The lady gave Jace a small, sad smile smile, "Her parents died in a car crash last year and she's been living me since, I'm her aunt, she doesn't understand why her parents never came back, and she thinks I might do the same." she gave to little girl one last hug.

"I'll be back sweetheart, I promise."

She looked at Jace, "I hope this is as good for her as I thought it would be."

Jace looked at the little girl for a moment, "It will be."

The lady left, and little girl just stood there staring after her.

Jace put a hand on the little girls shoulder, "she be back, but while you're here, you have to focus, do you know what that means?"

She nodded.

"Good, now no thinking about bad things, or things that hurt you. When you're training your so strong nothing can hurt you."

Clary who was still hiding gasped, that was how she had always felt.

"Really?" the little girl asked, speaking for the first time since she had stopped begging her aunt not to leave.

"Really." Jace said in a kind yet firm voice.

Clary decided that now was as good as a time as any to come out of hiding.

"Hey."

Jace spun around as if he had been caught doing something bad, not helping a heartbroken child.

"Hey yourself." he said coolly he was clearly back in ass mode.

The little girl looked at Clary for a moment, then exclaimed, "My mommy had curly red hair too!" she began to cry again.

"So did mine." Clary whispered taking the girl in her arms.

"Is your mommy gone too?"

"Yes. But your mommy can see you you know. She's in heaven, in the sky, she wants you to be happy till the day you get to be with her again."

Jace felt tears in the back of his eyes and blinked them away, it didn't matter though neither of them were looking at him.

"And like Jace said here you're safe here, in the training room we can't think about the bad things that have happened to us, only about being the best you can be, okay?"

"Why don't you go get a drink of water to calm down?" Jace ask the little girl. She nodded again and left.

Jace looked at Clary, "You heard that?" he was trying to hide his growing panic.

"Ummm, yea..."

"You didn't hear that, I didn't see you cry?"

Oh shit! She hadn't even noticed the tears running down her cheeks. She quickly wiped them away.

"Deal."

He nodded.

"So ummm, you don't think I'm stupid for crying?" Clary asked unsure whether or not she wanted the answer.

"Course not."

"Then why didn't you want me to see you being human?" she asked, why did she care was a better question.

"Some people think caring is showing weakness."

"I know. I don't." If not for the few people that cared about her she would be long dead.

"I used to." he said honestly.

"Now?"

"I don't know. I honestly don't know."

Then the little girl, whose name was Anna, came back from the water fountain down the hall and the other students started coming do they had to stop talking.

After that they were friends though. They each knew something about the other that only a select few knew, there no way they could not be friends. Jace was still a jerk most of the time, and Clay was still very wary of him, Jace was even a little scared of her too, or the way she made him feel anyway. They were both still trying to convince themselves that couldn't love. But they could be friends, when Jace noticed that Clary was looking down he would go out of his way to say something stupid to make her laugh, she would do the same when she saw he looking tence. If they couldn't do anything without someone else noticing they would the other a small smile or a sympathetic glance.

Two weeks passed like this, Valentine reminded gone and Clary was slowly getting better, not only were her bruises and burn marks fading but she wasn't so scared of everything with Jon to fuss over and Luke too she felt loved and stated to believe that maybe she wasn't worthless . Then one night Clary checked her phone and saw that she had a voicemail. She listened to it at dinner, oh God no!

"I have a headache, I think I'll go lay down for a while."

Jon gave her a hard look, "You okay sis?"

"I'm fine Jon. Really." she left as quickly as she could without running.

"I have to go to some deathly boring meeting with Luke a lot of super old boring people, it could take a while...could you check on her after dinner?" he asked Simon.

"I have training. If I miss it..." Simon was training to take the test for fourth don and he was starting to wonder if it was really worth it.

"Right, yea I'm sure it's just a headache. She'll be fine." he wasn't sure though, and neither was Simon.

"I'll go now." Izzy volunteered, "I'm done anyway and I have to get ready for my date latter, I'll check on her."

"Who are you going out with?" Jon asked, just as Simon said "Who's your date?"

"Sam, I don't like him or anything but I haven't been out in awhile, don't want to get of practice, ya know?"

"Can you say slut?" Jace muttered.

"What's that?" Izzy asked sharply.

"Nothing my darling sister. Just be careful. You don't want Alec and to have to beat anyone up, do you?"

"We will if we need to." Alec added.

Izzy just rolled her eyes, "Bye bye." she said as she walked away.

Jace noticed that Simon and Jon were uncharacteristically quiet, they were really worried about Clary, he realized that he was too. Something in her eyes that look he had seen before, only before it had passed so quickly that he had wondered if he had imagined it. He didn't say anything though.

Izzy got ready for her date in record time. Record time for her at any rate. Half and hour later she was knocking on Clary's door.

"Jon?" Clary called from her hiding place under the covers.

"No it's me. Can I come in?"

"Sure."

"That time of month?" Izzy asked opening the door.

"Why would ask?"

"Your crying, you ran out for no reason and you have a headache." Izzy said matter of factly.

Clary couldn't have found a better cover story had she been trying. "Okay. Yea. you're right. I'm sorry it's just so..."

"Hey I know, it happens to the best of us, and by the best of us I mean me."

Clary managed a smile at that.

"You want me to stay with you?"

"Go get ready for you date Izz, I'm fine. Seriously." Clary lied.

"You sure? I could make it for another night, he wouldn't mind, I have him eating out of my hand already."

"Izz you're a horrible person. You know that right?"

Izzy smirked, "I know."

"I'll be fine. Have fun."

Finally Izzy left.

She needed to get out. Simon and Jon weren't stupid, they knew something was wrong. She couldn't face them right now. She knew they were both busy for a while but they would come as soon as they could.

Ten minutes later Clary was pacing back and forth across the roof. She likes to come here when she needed to think. Finally she sat down, the tears started to fall. They were tears of anger, anger at her father anger, herself for allowing herself to believe that things could get better, even anger at her mother for leaving her to deal with this alone.

Jace was restless, he needed to do something, he tried practicing but this was one of the rare times when it didn't help. He needed to get some air, he needed to take his mind off that strange little redhead who seemed to be the only thing he could think about lately.

He found himself on the roof, he doubted he was allowed to be up here, but that only meant he would alone. Then heard a small sound from the corner, he wasn't the only one up here after all. Silently he creep over see who it was. It was Clary. So much for taking his mind off her. It didn't matter though, she was sitting here sobbing, he needed to do something.

Clary didn't hear him. She was hearing the message from her phone over and over in her head.

"Clarissa, I heard you've been having fun, I'm glad one of us has, daddy's meetings haven't been going according to plan, I could use some cheering up when I return, and who better to do it then my darling daughter."

She really didn't like what that implied but there wasn't much she could do about it.

Jace didn't know what to say, he wouldn't want anyone to see him like this, he doubted she wanted to be seen either. So in the end he didn't say anything and just creeped back down stairs, a decision he regretted for the rest of his life.

**So how it? Sorry about the cliffhanger. What do you think is going to happen? I want to see if you can guess. I'm hoping my plot isn't THAT predictable, but let's find out shall we?**

**PLEASE REVIEW! It take less than a minute and makes me happy! Let's see if we break 45 reviews. I know you can do it! XD**


	9. Too much to bare

AN: I don't know if any of you actually listen to the songs I put with the chapters, but the song Not Alone by Manafest describes Jace's thoughts and feelings like exactly.

I tried harder with proof reading...how did i do?

Simon and Jon both came looking for her as soon as they were done. She was still up on the roof and when they found she wasn't in her room they freaked out a little. They spread out to look for her. Jon found her first. She was still where Jace had found her earlier, no longer sobbing, just sitting there shaking slightly.

"Oh sweetie." he took her in his arms and she lost it again.

"Shhhh, Clary, your fine baby."

"He's coming back."

"But we knew he would." he knew that didn't make it any less awful, but he didn't know what else to say.

She tried to say something but he couldn't understand her, she was crying too hard.

He took a deep breath, "Listen to me Clary. What did he say in that message? Is it what I think it was?"

"No." she lied. "He said he's mad at me for enjoying myself." that was at least partly true.

"Your sure there was nothing else?"

"Yes." she lied again. Telling the truth would do no good, she would have to find a way out of this on her own, if there was one. Jon would get mad, get desperate, do something stupid. He would only hurt himself. Simon would be the same. She couldn't tell anyone.

"Simon was looking for you too. Do you want to let him know where you are are or do you want me to?"

"Could you?"

"Sure."

He pulled his phone and quickly texted Simon to let him know that she was with him and that she was safe.

"Okay lets get you inside." he pulled her to her feet and lead her in.

Clary couldn't sleep that night, she didn't want to bother Jon or Simon again so she spent most of the night wandering the halls.

At at 1:00 in the morning she heard someone coming, she tried to hide but it was too late. The person had already seen her.

"Who's there?" the person asked softly. It was Luke.

"It's me."

"Clary? What are you doing out of bed?"

"I couldn't sleep." she said honestly.

"Me neither." In truth he couldn't sleep because he was worried about her, he had seen the way she had left dinning room, then Jon had seemed very preoccupied at the meeting. When he had asked Jon about Clary it was clear he was worried even though all he said was that she had a headache, he had tried going to her room to check on her, but she hadn't been there.

"Umm sorry Luke I know I shouldn't be out of bed."

"You live here, I think it's a little different for you."

"Not to dad." why the hell had she said that?

"I won't tell." was all he said. Maybe this had something to do with why she had been acting so strangely. He knew Valentine was not a good person but he would like to think that he would never hurt his own daughter. But he had reason to believe otherwise, that was why he had come back.

He invited Clary to come back to his rooms for hot cocoa invitation she gladly expected.

They sat on the couch in his tiny living room sipping their cocoa and talking about anything other then what was bothering Clary. Luke was glad to see that she seemed to be relaxing. After a while she fell asleep, he let her sleep for a little then attempted to carry to her back to her room. As soon as he touched her though her eyes snapped open and her breathing quickened. When she saw it was Luke she relaxed a little.

"Shhhh, it's just me, can I carry you to your bed?"

She nodded still half asleep, this was what fathers were supposed to be like, Luke had always been like a father to her, she wished she could ask him for help. She couldn't though, there was nothing he could do.

As Luke put her into her bed she whispered. "Thank you."

"Goodnight sweetheart." he brushed the hair away from her face as he pulled the comforter up over her.

As soon as he left she was asleep, her last thought before she fell asleep was that she hadn't felt this loved and cared for since her mom her died.

The next day was like hell. She acted okay, but on the inside she felt like she was falling apart. The only thing that kept her going was the fact that Jon, Simon and Luke all cared about her. They needed to see that she was okay and that was what they would see.

She somehow made to bedtime. She was so tierd she fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow, at first she didn't dream, then she began to dream that he was there, that he was calling her name, "Clary, wake up sweetie, it's time to play."

She sat up, wide awake. It wasn't a dream, he was really there.

"Hello dear, you look so much like your mother." he said, his voice sickly sweet.

"Mom would hate you now." she was trapped, there was no way out this time, she could say what ever she wanted, it couldn't make things any worse.

"No she wouldn't, she would love me, just like you will." he had truly lost it Clary realized, he had loved her mother, he really had, loosing her had driven him mad.

"Father, listen to me, I'm not Jocelyn, I'm Clary, Clarissa, your daughter! I'm only 16! You can't do this to

me!"

"I can do what ever I want to you." he sneered. "Now come with me and come quietly"

She fought him, it was no use though. He roughly trapped her and slapped a hand over her mouth.

He he took his belt off and beat her for trying to fight him. When he was done he picked her up, a hand once again firmly over her mouth and dragged her off to his rooms, where he proceeded to do awful things to her.

When he was done he allowed her to put her clothes back on and return to her bedroom. She limped to her room bruised and bleeding. She went right for her knife. She sliced open her wrist and watched as blood began to flow.

As beaten and broken as she was she somehow dragged herself up to the roof. Once there she made her way to the edge, she stood there, staring down, wondering where she would go if she jumped, she knew it would kill her, but where would her soul go? It didn't matter, it would be a better place than this. She sliced into her arm again, deeper this time.

Then she heard someone called her name, for one horrible moment she thought it was Valentine. Then she realized it was Jace.

He woken up in a sweat and needed to clear his head, but the fear from the nightmares was gone now, replaced with a worse fear.

"Clary, no, don't do it." he said trying to keep his voice calm. "Please come here, come away from the edge please." he voice was pleading but he didn't care, it no longer mattered what she thought of him. He just had to save her.

She stared at him in shock. "No, get away! You don't understand! I have to get out of here! This is the only way!"

Jace closed his eyes for a moment, if anyone know that feeling it was him. "It will get better I promise. I'm not just saying that like other people do, I know Clary! I know what you're going through better then you think! Trust me. Please trust me."

She laughed, trust, she pretty sure she would never be able to trust again. And that was if she lived, which she wouldn't. "Yea right, I'm sure you know all about it. Go, go away!"

"I can't do that." he took a step toward her and she didn't move away. "Just listen to me, please?"

She didn't say anything but she was looking at him so he went on. "Clary I never show this to anyone, not ever, but I think you need to see it."

He pulled up his left sleeve, Clary's face changed as she realized what she was looking at, there were four deep scars there, it was clear that he been trying to end his own life. Then he showed her his other arm, there were three on that one, he must have tryed again.

She stared at him in shock, he took advantage this momentary distraction, in three swift steps he was next to her, he grabbed the knife and threw it on the ground out of her reach, in the same movement he wrapped his arm around her and pulled her away from the edge.

He held her for a moment, unsure what to do next. He knew she was still ready to die, if he let go of her she might well run right off the edge, so he couldn't let go.

He lead her over to a little bench in the middle of the roof, he sat down and pulled her down next to him. He kept his arms around her, not willing to take any chances.

"Clary, please, please tell me you won't do this." he could feel her heart pounding, his own wasn't much calmer. He knew exactly what she was feeling.

"I can't. I have to do this! You don't understand! He- he raped me." she whispered the last part so quitly Jace could just barely hear her. But he heard her. He felt anger wash over him, he wanted to find the person who had done this to her and kill them. But right now that would have to wait, right now making sure Clary lived through the night was more important.

"Who did?" his voice was shaking with rage but he knew he had to find out who had done this to her so he could keep him away from her- and come back later for revenge.

She began sobbing, he held her, whimpering calming words, telling her that he knew what it was like, that she would be okay. Finally she said "M-my f-father."

"You want me to get your father?" Jace asked confused

"Noooo!" she clung to him and he knew what had happened. "He did this to you?" It felt like he was burning up inside that's how angry he was, but he knew that he had to get her to safety.

He picked up the knife and put it in his pocket. "Okay we're leaving. I'm taking you home with me right now."

"But I can't leave he'll hurt everyone I care about!"

"Not if I have anything to say about it. But right now I have to get you somewhere safe." he very gently turned her head so he could look her straight in the eye, "Clary, you can trust me. I know you think you can never trust again. Believe me I know, but you can, I couldnt hurt you if I wanted to. We're too much alike."

A part her screamed that he had to be lying, no one could care this much about whether she lived or died, but another part her said that she didn't have any choice but to go with him.

"I'll go with you, but we have to get Simon and Jon out of here with us."

Jace nodded, "Alec and Izzy too."

He took her hand and they began walking down the stairs, Jace saw how much pain the poor thing was in.

"Can I carry you? We have to move fast." That and he couldn't stand to see her stumbling along like that. She nodded. He scooped her up ever so carefully, he didn't want to cause her any more pain, he could still feel her heart beating much to fast. "Breath, Clary, you need to breath."

She just looked at him like he was nuts.

"Deep breaths, you need to calm down, you're going to be just fine. They stopped at Jon room first.

"What the hell" Jon whispered when he opened the door to find his best friend holding his little sister, broken and bleeding and clinging to him for dear life.

"You need to be quite." Jace said he knew he would want to scream if someone told him that Izzy had been raped.

"He did it Jon." Clary whispered.

"No. Oh my baby." he held out his arms and Jon handed Clary to him.

Jon sat on his bed, stroking her hair whispering how sorry he was that he hadn't been able to stop this.

"Jace you need to get her out of here. Take my car. Take Alec and Izzy with you. I'll make sure Simon gets home safely and then I'll go talk to Luke. We have to make sure everyone here is safe."

"Can't you come with me? It's not safe here!" Clary pleaded, after everything she'd been through she wanted her big brother with her.

"Jace will take care of you. I have to stay here, I'll be fine I promise. I'll come see you as soon as I can.

Jon sat Clary on the bed and grabbed two sets of keys, "This is for my car, take it and get the soonest train you can, once you get home take her to a doctor, here's some money, he handed Jace a wad of cash.

"This is for a school car Simon will know which one. Tell him what happened and tell him to get to his mom's house and stay there till I tell him otherwise. I'll take Clary to get cleaned up and pack a few things. Tell Alec and Izzy, pack what you need, we'll meet you by my car in 15 minutes."

Jace nodded and turned to leave.

"And Jace?" Jon added. "Thank you."

Jace nodded again and silently ran off down the hall.

20 minutes later they were driving away.

Alec was driving, and Clary was in the back seat with Jace, she had asked him to sit with her, he knew what she was feeling, he was the only one of the three of them that she could talk to right now. He still had an arm wrapped around her, she trusted him. She trusted him and Jon and Simon and Luke, oddly enough that was one more person then she had trusted before tonight. She also trusted Izzy, but Izzy was a girl, and therefore not as dangerous.

They got on the train, leaving Jon's car behind.

Alec suddenly thought of something. "Someone needs to call mom. Let her know what's going on."

Jace sighed, "I'll do it." he started to get up, he didn't want to have this conversation is front of Clary.

Clary who hadn't left his side this whole time grabbed his arm. "Don't leave me!"

"Shhhh, breath Clary, I'm not leaving you. I'm just going to be in the hallway. You need to stay still. I'll be back I promise."

She didn't say anything but she let go of his arm.

"Good girl, Izzy will sit with you till I get back, and you can trust Alec too you know. It's thanks to him and Izzy and that I'm here at all." A tear ran down his cheek as he said this and on an instinct Clary reached up and wiped it away. She hadn't meant to do that. It had just happened. Jace smiled at her, "I'll be right back."

Once in the hall he leaned against the wall trying to think of what to tell Maryse. This was not going to be easy. He dialed her cell phone number. She answered on the third ring, he had known she would be asleep but as he had hoped she had her phone nearby, probably in case he needed anything, or Alec or Izzy, but she had pulled him aside before he left to tell him that she would always have her phone with her, night and day, just in case.

"Jace sweety, are you okay?"

"I'm fine, but there's this girl, Clary, she not okay. She needs our help."

He explained what had happened as quickly as he could.

Maryse was more then willing to cooperate

"I'll be waiting at the train station, we'll need to get her to a doctor as soon as you here."

When he came back to the compartment where the others were he saw that Clary was talking quietly with Izzy.

"It's all worked out, she's going to pick us up and we'll take Clary to the hospital right away. Maryse knows a cop or something and she's on the phone with him right now."

"You called the cops?" Clary's voice was small and scared.

"He can't hurt you anymore." Izzy said hugging her friend. "We're going to get him locked up, he'll never get out."

Jace knew Izz thought that this what Clary wanted to hear, but he knew that even given what he done to her he was her father and part of her felt like she still owed him something.

"Izz, that's enough. Clary everything's going to be okay, you have to believe us."

One train ride latter Jace was helping her off the train, she was being introduced to Mrs. Lightwood and being told that after the hospital she would need to talk to the police. Everything was a blur, she clung to Jace as if he was the only thing keeping her from drowning.

At the hospital Jace helped to explain what had happened, he even requested that she have woman doctor, the nurse was kind and sympathetic and readily agreed to this.

When the nurse came back out to the waiting room to tell Clary that she could come back now she didn't want to let go of Jace.

"Clary, you need to go, I'll be right here, I'm not going anywhere."

"I'll go with you if you want." Izzy offered. She glanced at the nurse, "If that's okay?"

"Of course."

Clary nodded, "Thanks Izzy."

About an hour later she came back to the waiting room. Mrs. Lightwood was talking with the doctor.

"She's fine." Izzy said.

Jace didn't believe that. She might be physically fine but it would be a long time before she was really anywhere near okay.

He held his arms out to her and she tried to run to him, she stumbled, he caught her.

"Thanks." she mumbled.

"I'll always be there to catch you." he knew it sounded lame but he truly meant it.

Maryse came back, "Okay honey." she said to Clary. "I know you must be exhausted, but you need to talk to the police."

Clary just nodded.

At the police station she answered all their questions as best as she could, she felt numb, this was all too much, it was like her body was just shutting down.

After that was over they finally went to the Lightwoods. She could barely walk by this time, she was that tired and sore.

"Come on." Jace picked her up and carried her to the spare bedroom.

"There you go. You're safe now." He whispered as he put her in bed.

"Stay with me?" he nodded. He pulled a chair up to the bedside and sat down. He took her tiny hand in his and she was asleep.

He was tired too, but he couldn't stop thinking, she might be safe from her father here, but what about from herself? Also he feared he really was falling in love. He had thought that part of him was broken, but he wasn't good enough for her, and that aside the last thing she needed to hear right now was that he loved her. She needed a friend and that was what he would be, even if it killed him. He mission in life right now was to make sure Clary survived this, once she was better then maybe they could be more then friends.

AN: So what did you think? Did you listen to the song while reading it? You should have! Manafest is amazing! You should listen to it now if you didn't! XD If you've ever heard of any of the bands I talk about let me know! It would make me happy. =D

REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW! I'll love you forever if you do! 3


	10. Fighters

AN: I don't own the chapter name, Fighter is a song by Manafest. Jace said I had to tell you that. Also When Jace is talking about his past, I was inspired by Manafest's song "Will You Catch Me?" Lucky Jace's story ended better then the boy in the song.

Jace eventually fell asleep. Only to be to be awakened by a scream.

"Clary, Clary wake up! It's okay. It's a dream." he now knew how Alec and Izzy must feel when he woke them up in the night, waking up to hear someone you cared about screaming was one of the worst feelings in the world.

"Clary wake up!" he was almost yelling now.

She opened her eyes.

"He's not here?"

"No Clary, he's not here. You're safe here." he knew he kept repeating that, 'you're safe' but she needed to hear it.

She was shaking. He sat down on her bed and pulled her into his arms. He held her, trying to make her stop shaking.

It was weird, Jon and Simon had held her like this many times, but she had never felt like this. She couldn't love though. Not after this. But Jace was different, Jace understood. She wanted to ask about his past but she was too tired. She put her head down on his shoulder and fell asleep.

She slept for the better part of two days. Jace was there almost every time she woke up. When he wasn't Izzy was. They clearly didn't trust her to be alone. That was okay though, she didn't want to be alone. Sometimes Jace would try to make her eat, she would try her best to choke down a few bites just to make him happy.

On the third day she was awake, she still just lay there though, she couldn't make herself get out of bed.

Maryse tried to get her to come to meals in the kitchen, thinking it would be good for her to be around people, but she couldn't. With Izzy's help she made it halfway down the stairs before utter terror overtook her. She knew she was being stupid, knew no one here would hurt her, but she couldn't help it.

"Jace!" Izzy screamed as Clary collapsed to the floor shaking with fear.

"Izz what on earth-" he cut himself off when he saw Clary.

"Shhh, Clary, what happened? It's okay, it's just me." he said as she shied away from his touch.

"It's okay Clary, let's get you back to your room okay?"

She nodded, unable to speak.

Once she was back in bed with the covers pulled over her she felt safe again, safer anyway.

"I'm sorry Jace." she said softly.

"Sorry for what?" she had nothing to be sorry for.

"I'm not strong enough for this, I can't go on, you should have let me die."

"Clary, don't ever let me hear you say that again!"

"Buts it's true! And now you're stuck taking care of me till it's safe for me to go back or you can find somewhere else for me to go."

"Clary, listen to me, we don't want to get rid of you. Your staying here, at least until it's safe to go back. You're not weak, you just need time, it takes time to get over these things, and even then ...sometimes...sometimes after all these years I still break down. Your being to hard on yourself, it was three days ago."

"Thank you Jace, for everything." she whispered.

He went to brush the hair away from her face and she flinched.

He paused, his hand in the air. "I'm not going to hurt you. Not ever."

She just looked at him.

"Clary, I'm just just getting that hair out of your eyes." he said calmly, he wanted her to get used to people touching her and not hurting her, used to people taking care of her.

She didn't say anything as he slowly moved his hand toward her again. He gently pushed the hair to the side. "Was that so bad?" she shook her head.

He smiled. Why did his smile make her stomach flip?

"Okay, you still need to eat. I'll go get something to bring up here for you."

"Tell your mom I'm sorry."

"Clary, Maryse isn't gonna care she just wants you to get better."

"But she barely even knows me."

"She once took in a half dead, and ready to go the other half of the way, 12 year old that she didn't know. She helped him, nursed him back to health physically and got him to the point metally where he could at least pretend to be normal. She now calls that boy her son."

"You?" Clary breathed the word, already knowing the answer.

He nodded, he had never told that to anyone the only ones who knew were the Lightwoods and now Clary.

"What happened to you?" she knew she shouldn't ask, but it just popped out.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, shuddering breath.

"I'm sorry! Forget I asked!"

"No it's a fair question. I want you to trust me I have to do the same for you."

"Does it get easier? Trusting again?" she was afraid of the answer but she needed to know.

"It does, it's not easy, but it's getting better, and trusting you is easier then most."

She just stared at him.

He took a another deep breath and closed his eyes again. He let the memories he usually worked so hard to suppress flood his mind. He had thought he could do this, but maybe not. He put his head in his hands as if he could hold back the memories he had just let loose.

Clary managed to pull herself closer to the edge of the bed. She reached out and put her hand on his leg. "Don't do this to yourself." she whispered.

He looked down at his leg in surprise. This was the first time she willing touched a another person since that night.

He put a hand over hers, lightly so she could pull away if she wanted to, she didn't.

"I have to tell you."

She nodded, she could tell that for whatever reason this was something he really needed to do.

He once again let the memories in, but this time they didn't overwhelm him, Clary's hand on his leg was like an anchor, anchoring him to sanity.

He began to tell her the story of his life before he had come here. A story he had never willing told anyone before.

His mother had died when he was three, he vaguely remembered her, he remembered not knowing where she had gone, wondering what he had done to make her not come back. His father had tried to take care of him for a while, then he had turned to drinking...by the time he was six his father was never home, he was basically taking care of himself, yet he been heartbroken when he been removed from his home, that was his daddy it didn't matter that he hadn't taken care him, he was a little kid and he loved his daddy.

His first foster home had been okay, they had tried to love him, but he had made a point to cause as much trouble as he could and after a year they couldn't take it any more, after that he went from foster home to foster home, no one wanted him and he knew it. When he was 11 he was put in the worst home yet, the foster dad had beaten him for every little thing, Jace had been in homes like this before. He fought back, he always fought back, one day he went too far, the man whipped him and beat him so badly that Jace had hoped he would die from the wounds. The man left, he just didn't come back. He left a beaten, bleeding 12 year old hoping for death for on his living room floor and left town.

Jace had pulled himself to the kitchen, grabbed a knife and carved the first four cuts that he had showed Clary, in what Maryse latter referred to as a miracle his social worker had chosen that moment to make a surprise visit like they were supposed to do to make sure the foster kids weren't being treated the way Jace had been.

She had called 911 and gotten Jace to the hospital just in time.

Once he was able to leave the hospital no one wanted him, not even the horrible places, the kind that taken him before, finally after calling 30 other foster homes his worker was about to give up and have him placed in a group home, even though she doubted he would last long in one, she didn't have any other choice, she tried one last family, as soon as Maryse heard about him she wanted him, she took him in and treated him like her own, Jace still couldn't live with his past though, and one day after some little thing had set him off, he tried again to kill himself, Alec had been looking for him, he found him just finishing the third cut. He had grabbed the knife and threw it out of Jace's reach, just as Jace had done for Clary. He held Jace there. Not letting him move while he screamed for his mom. She had come running and when Jace saw the way she reacted he he knew he could never do this again. After that Maryse had found Mike and Jace had really started to get better.

When he finished tears were running down both their faces.

"Oh Jace! How do you do it? How do you go on?"

"You just do, you just take it one day at a time and you survive. If you don't the bad people win. And we can't let them win."

She didn't say anything.

"Clary promise me you won't let the bad people win."

She still didn't say anything.

He leaned down so he was looking her straight in the eyes. "Clary you not alone in this fight, I'm here, I'm fighting too, we can fight together, I just need you to promise me that you won't let them win."

"I promise. They won't win, not ever." her voice was quiet but firm.

He smiled, "That's my little fighter."

"Jace, I want to be there for you too. You said you still break down. I want to help you fight too." why the hell did words keep popping out of her mouth?

"Clary there's something I need to tell you. I doubt you want to hear it. But..."

"Just say it."

He took a deep breath, "I like you. I mean I..." he was never at a loss for words but around Clary he sounded like a moron.

She wasn't sure she liked where this was going but she wasn't sure she disliked it either.

"Breath Jace." she said as he said to she when she was panicking.

"I mean LIKE you like you. I might even love you. I mean...I thought that part of me was broken, after everything, I thought I could never feel like this but do. And I...oh forget I said anything."

Clary's beautiful green eyes were huge, with fear and something else, something Jace couldn't quite place.

"What if I don't want to forget? What if I feel the same?"

His breath caught, could she really? "Do you?"

"Exactly. Even down to thinking I couldn't feel like this. But Jace, I don't know what this makes us now, but we have to go slow, and you should know if it comes to that I might never be able to be a normal girlfriend, even hugging, right now...I could barely do that."

"It's okay. I need to be with you. I don't know what we are either, I'm scared too, we'll go slowly, and if I ever try to do too much, even if it's just holding your hand, tell me and I'll stop."

"Jace? Will you hold me?."

He nodded and carefully pulled her into his lap the way he had a few nights ago. At first she was super tence. "Do you want me to stop?"

She didn't, she liked it. "No, just give me a minute."

After a few minutes he felt her relax.

"Good girl." he breathed in her ear.

She reached up and ran her fingers through his hair. They sat like that for a long time. Just stroking each others hair, talking a little, but mostly just enjoying each other.

Then Jace's stomach growled loudly.

"You should go eat." Clary wiggled off his lap laughing. She hadn't laughed in a long time.

He smiled at her laughter, it was the best sound he had ever heard.

"Okay baby girl, I'll go bring up some food for both of us."

"I'm not hungry!" she protested.

"But you need to eat, I'll hand feed you if I have to."

She smiled again, he smiled too as went to find food. She still had a long way to go, they both did, but together they would make it. They were fighters.

Okay I hope you liked it. XD There will be a few more chapters, I'm sure how many, maybe like 5?

Review please! It's my goal to have 100 reviews by the end of the story.

Also I just wanted to say that not all foster families are like the ones Jace grew up with, more of them are like the Lightwoods...so ummm yeah. Just thought I should say that...


	11. For You

**AN:**

_**IMPORTANT PLEASE READ**_

**To the person who reviewed as a guest and said that her friend self harms, and to any one else that self harms or knows someone who does.**

**I get their attitude right because I used to self harm, I'll Be praying for your friend. the breathing thing and the writing on your self with a red or black marker instead of self harming are things that I have tryed and that actually work, maybe they might help your friend. If you have a friend who self harms just let them know you're there for them. Be like Alec. If you self harm don't be afraid to talk to someone, even Jace needs to talk. 3**

**To anyone who self harms, listen to these two songs, Never Surrender and The Last Night, both are by Skillet. I hope they help you like they helped me.**

**And now that that's out of the way on to the chapter!**

Clary had somehow convinced Jace that no one needed to stay with her through the night. She woke up to a knock on the door.

"Jace?"

"No, I'm Max." came a little kid's voice.

"Come in Max." she had seen Max a few times, but she hadn't talked to him.

"I brought you some pancakes. Mom said to tell you, you need to eat." he said shyly.

Clary smiled at him, he looked alot like Simon had at that age.

"Thanks Max, I'm not hungry."

"You need to eat, Jace had to go somewhere but he said he'd eat me if I didn't get you to eat something."

She sighed, "Well we wouldn't want that to happen."

"I'm sorry your sick, do you want me read to you? Jace reads to me when I'm sick, when he's sick though he doesn't let me read to him, he thinks the books I like are stupid. He lets me make up stories for him though." Max said looking offended and proud at the same time.

"What books do you like?"

"Anime" the little boy answered.

Clary smiled. "Me too."

"So can I read to you?" Max asked excitedly.

"Sure, I'd like that."

Max ran off to get a pile of books for Clary to choose from.

As she waited for Max she chopped the pancakes up with her fork and pushed it around, hoping it would look like she had eaten something.

"I've tried that too. It doesn't work." Max said when he come back and looked at her plate.

Clary had to smile. The little boy was looked so serious, it was adorable.

"I'm sorry Max I'm just not hungry."

"When Jace won't eat mom calls Mike and makes Jace talk to him." Max slapped a hand over his mouth. "Ummm I'm not supposed to talk about Mike. Don't tell Jace?"

Clary smiled at him again, he looked so worried. "Its okay I know about Mike." she hadn't realized Jace had been this depressed recently, it sounded like it had been recently from what Max said any way.

"Maybe you should go talk to Mike."

Nope, that wasn't going to happen, not ever. She wasn't going to talk to anyone, well maybe to Jace, but only maybe and only Jace, that was it.

"I don't think so Max."

"Everyone thinks I'm too young to get it. I know bad things happened to Jace before he came here. I know he tried to kill himself. Bad things happened to you too, didn't they? I like you. And I know Jace likes you, like a lot." he smirked, and Clary had to think that he spent to much time around Jace, he smirked just like Jace did when he knew he was right. "You need to get better or he'll get sick again too. I knew he will. Please get better."

"I will Max. I promise." Clary managed to say while struggling not to cry.

"Good." Max gave her a quick hug. "Now pick a book."

About an hour later there was another knock on the door, this time it really was Jace.

"Max. Why on earth are you torchering Clary with that nonsense?"

"But Jace! She likes it too!" Max protested.

Jace shook his head in disbelief.

"Is this true?"

Clary smiled sheepishly "Yeah."

"What ever you two can continue this nerd party at a later time." but he was smiling, happy to see Clary was happy, happy to see she was sitting up and talking, not just laying there, staring off into space, the way she had been lately. Max had that effect on people, he didn't know how many times Max had made him get up and go on when it felt like he couldn't.

"Now out you go little man, and take the clearly not eaten food with you."

Max left but not without sticking his tongue out at Jace first.

"I shall return!" he yelled as he went down the hall.

"That boy will be the death of me." Jace grumbled under his breath.

Clary smiled, "You're really good with him."

"Yeah well, all kids deserve to have a man to look up to and Robert...well he's a good dad I geuss (better then mine or yours at any rate) but he's not around much. And Max seems to have chosen me to fill that roll. God only knows why. But I try my best." his face turned was unsure why he said that, when he was around Clary though words just seemed to pop out of his mouth even when he would prefer them staying in his head where they belonged.

"You doing a good job. He even smirks like you."

Jace laughed at that. Then he remembered why he needed to talk to her.

"You haven't really eaten anything since you got here. And you can't stay in bed for ever."

Her phone rang, "It's Jon I have to answer it." She said glad for the distraction.

"This isn't over." he said with a sigh, "You want me to leave while you're on the phone?"

"You can stay." she said as she answered the phone.

"Jon are you okay, why didn't you call before?" she asked worriedly.

"Clary, I'm fine, I've been non stop busy trying to get things under control here, whenever I called you were sleeping, I've been calling Jace when I get a chance, he said you're not eating?"

"I don't care about food right now, I have Jace to bug me about that. Tell me what's going on, and tell me the truth Jon."

He took a deep breath. "Clary, dad's in jail, for now, there's going to be a trail, they need you to testify against dad."

She froze, unable to respond.

"Clary? Baby girl? Are you okay?" he sounded panicked and while a part of her knew she ought to tell him she was fine she just couldn't.

"No! I'm not okay! I was raped! He beat me! And yet I can't testify against him! He's my father! What kind of person would that make me?" she stopped then, crying too hard to go on.

Jace flinched feeling her pain as if it was his own. He reached out and put a hand on her shoulder, when she didn't pull away he pulled her into his arms. He took the phone from her.

"Jon this is Jace, they need her to testify?"

"Yea, I didn't know how to tell her... I should have done it differently, I...do something! I can't stand to hear her crying like that!" Jace could tell Jon was reaching his breaking point.

"Jon, it's okay, give me a few minutes to talk to her, we'll call you back okay?"

"Okay, and Jace? Thank you, I'd go completely insane if I didn't know you were taking care of her."

"No problem."

When they hung up Jace didn't really know what to do, so he just sat there, holding her in his lap, letting her cry, letting her know she wasn't alone.

"I'm sorry Jace, your so much stronger than me, you must hate me for being so weak. I should be beaten." she said between sobs.

Then he understood, he had beaten her when she showed weakness, so as if it wasn't enough that she had gone through all this, was suffering the aftermath of rape, she was hating herself, thinking she deserved to be beaten, because she was hurting, breaking, because she was human.

"No Clary, you're not weak, you need help to get through this, I needed help too, I still go to Mike once a week, I still need help. Does that make me weak? Maybe, sometimes I think it does, but when I'm in bed unable to get fight the depression enough to get up, because I won't let any one help me, that's when I'm weakest. And no you shouldn't be beaten, everyone is weak sometimes, there is never any excuse to beat anyone, not ever."

Clary wrapped her arms around him in a hug. He hugged her back and she let him, after a minute she pulled away so she could look him in the eyes.

"Jace, I-I...will you, I mean, I..." she was stammering, she felt like an idiot but asking for things was just so hard.

"Breathe Clary, deep breaths, in and out. Okay now what were you trying to ask?" he knew what she was feeling, he remembered that feeling much to well.

"Could you come with me when I testify?" she blurted out as fast as she could before she had time to change her mind.

"Of course." he had planned on going, as long she wanted him there.

"Thank you!" she kissed his cheek. "Oh!" she hadn't meant to do that. "I...ummm."

"Shhhhh, it's no big deal, Clary I don't want you to ever be afraid to ask me for anything ever." he felt giddy from her kiss, sure it had only been on the cheek but still.

"Okay, I need to call Jon back." she repositioned herself in Jace's lap, he wrapped his arms around her and she didn't even react, except to snuggle closer.

When she got off the phone with Jon- it took quite some time to convince him that she was okay- she leaned her head on his shoulder.

"Clary I know you're not going to like this but hear me out. Earlier, when you were having your nerd party with Max?"

She stuck her tongue out at him.

"Moving past the part where you act like a five year old" he interrupted himself.

"Any way while you were with Max I was at my appointment with Mike...and I think he could help you. I told him a little about you...I'm sorry, I just...I set up at appointment for you, for tomorrow."

"Jace I'm fine! I can get better by myself! I don't need to talk to anyone!"

"Clary, no one can get better by themselves, and yes you do need to talk to someone. Please trust me."

"I trust you, but...I'll talk to you, how about that?" she asked desperately.

He laughed bitterly. "The blind leading the blind."

"Jace I don't know if I can do this. I just don't think I can."

"Yes you can, you need to do something, you won't eat, you can't get out of bed. Please try this. For me?"

She nodded, "For you."

**AN: Sorry it's kinda short, I was going to make this chapter and the next one one long chapter, but this seemed like a good place to stop and it would have reallyyyy long. The next one is almost done though so I should have it up by the end of the week. **


	12. Healing

**AN: Okay so this is why I hardly ever use an outline when I'm writing, I never follow it. There's no point it writing one. According to my outline there should be three more chapters at most. But I had a good idea so I'm changing it and making it longer. I don't know how much longer, but longer.**

The next day:

Clary did her best to be brave, she let Izzy help her get dressed, she was pretty sure Izzy thought she was a life sized barbie doll. She even tried to get her to wear a dress, that was going to far, as out of it as Clary was she would not be forced into wearing a dress. They went through the bag of clothes Jon had threw together for her the night they left. She found her favorite blue corduroy pants and her TFK (Thousand Foot Krutch) tee shirt, that Simon had given her ages ago. She put those on and didn't have any left over will power with which to keep Izzy from doing her hair and makeup.

Jace was in the kitchen talking to Maryse.

"Do you want me to come with you to take her?"

"I think the less people the better, I mean it's not that she doesn't trust you but..." he trailed off, saying "she only trusts me and maybe Izzy" seamed...full of himself, not that that stopped him most of the time but he tried to be respectful to his parents, his mom at any rate.

"I understand, how about you? How are you doing? This has to be hard on you." she asked her voice full of motherly concern.

"I'm fine mom, just worried about Clary."

She nodded, "You're really good with her, just remember, she needs time."

On his way to Clary's room he saw Alec. "You okay?" Alec asked him.

"I'm fine! Why does everyone keep asking me that?"

"You just seem. Nicer than normal, not so full of it." Alec was smirking and Jace felt the urge to punch him.

"Don't make me punch you." he said honestly.

Alec wasn't scared. "You like her don't you?"

Jace just raised an eyebrow. "Don't think I don't know that your texting Magnus." was all he said.

Alec's pale face turned bright red, and Jace laughed.

"Chill, I'm not telling anyone, mom and Robert might need to know at some point though."

"Yea, ummm well dad scares me...soooo."

"Good luck with that."

"Yeah you too."

Jace started to walk away, then paused, "Alec if you want me to be there when you tell them.."

"I'll let you know." Alec said gratefully.

Shit, that would be awkward, but Alec had done so much for him over the years he felt like he owned him this.

When Jace walked into Clary's room she sitting on the edge of the bed, Izzy was still fussing with her hair but she was breathtaking.

"Izz stop torchering her."

"Finally some one on my side." Clary said with a small smile.

Once he had shooed Izzy out the door he took another look at Clary. Wow. Her hair was no longer tangled. She had convinced Izzy to let her wear it in a simple braid over her shoulder. She wearing a gray brae that set off her red hair and green eyes nicely, and Izzy had made her put on a little bit of make up.

"Do I have time to wash this off?"

"Not really." they didn't have time, plus he liked it. "It looks nice."

"That's the problem, I know its stupid but I'm scared to look nice. What if it gets someone's attention, what if..."

He knew what she meant, she was afraid of being raped again.

"Clary you're a black belt, you can take just about anyone."

She just looked at him.

"And when you're with me no one will ever get the chance to even try to think about laying a hand on you."

"Thanks Jace."

"Ready to go?" he asked.

"No, but I'm not going to be. So let's go."

When they got into the hallway she froze.

"Clary, I'm right here, you're fine."

Jace's voice came floating to her, as if from miles away.

"Clary. I need you to to focus on me." his voice was calm, but on the onside he was falling apart. He needed her to get better. Of all the girls he could have fallen in love with in would have to be the one that was as broken as he was. But in a way it made sense, they needed each other, they could hold each other together, keep each other from shattering into a million pieces, either that or he was losing it all together. He wasn't really sure which.

"Look at me." he put his hands on her shoulders and crocheted down so he was at eye level with her.

She looked at him. She felt some of the pain and fear fade. It was still there but it wasn't overpowering any more.

"It will get easier. I promise."

He didn't ask what had happened, he knew, he didn't ask if she was okay, he knew she wasn't, he didn't even tell her that it would be okay, he couldn't not right now, sometimes he didn't think things would ever be really okay, but he knew it could get easier and he would make sure it got easier for her.

"You're gonna be okay." Jace said for had to be the millionth time. He had had to force himself to say those words over and over the whole way here. He got out of the car and walked around to open the door for her. "Clary, it's okay. I promise you're safe. You have to trust me."

"I do, it's the only reason I was able to get out bed."

He felt his heart break for the millionth time, she shouldnt be afraid to leave the house! At the same time he felt something he had never felt before all this, someone what needed him, like really needed him, sure Max and Izzy and even Alec had needed him sometimes, but she needed him the way he needed Alec and Izzy and Max, the way he needed her, she needed him to keep her alive.

He held out his hand and she took it, letting him pull her out of the car. She was still holding tightly to his hand as he lead her into the waiting room. The lady at the desk gave Clary some paperwork to fill out. She stared at it blankly till Jace took it and began to fill it out, gently coaxing her to tell him the things he didn't know.

Then Mike came out, "Clarissa?" he inquired. She nodded ever so slightly and said "Clary." her voice barely more than a whisper.

"You can come back now, Clary." Mike said with a gentle smile.

Clary didn't move. She grabbed Jace's hand and wouldn't let go. She hadn't been alone with any man other than Jace since the rape and she didn't plan on changing that.

"Clary, I'm not gonna hurt you." his voice was quiet and calm and she knew she should trust him, but she couldn't.

"Can I walk back with her?" Jace asked remembering his first time here, and knowing she was 100 times more scared then he had been.

"Of course."

"Can he stay? Please?"

Mike looked at Jace, trying to decide if the boy could handle it.

"Sure, at first anyway. We'll see how it goes." he didn't normally allow other people to sit in, other than parents, but she clearly didn't trust men and from what little he knew he didn't blame her a bit, she did however seem to trust Jace and it just might do Jace good to know how needed he was. Also she didn't look like she was planning on letting go of Jace's hand any time soon and dragging her away from him was certainly not going to help her trust him.

Half an hour latter Mike felt he was actully getting some where with the Clary.

"Clary would you be okay with Jace leaving now?" he asked.

She looked at Jace, her eyes wide and scared. He squeezed her hand and nodded his head slightly.

"You can do it fighter." he whispered so only she could hear. He seemed to have taken to calling her that when she needed encouragement to keep going, to keep fighting.

"Ummmm, fine."

"He can come back in if you need him to."

"I'll just be in the waiting room okay? I'm going not to leave you."

"Okay." she said sounding a bit more sure of herself.

"Okay." he said once Jace had left."I knew this going to be an awkward question, but I need to find out where you are so we can know what to work on at future appointments."

She nodded.

"Guys. Dating. Falling in love. What do you think about that stuff? After what you've been through a lot of girls are scared to trust men again, it's understandable but you can't let it ruin your life."

As he said that a picture of Jace popped unbidden into her mind.

That was what he expected, and even hoped for, he could see they cared for one another, and he suspected they would be good for each other.

"When I was 14 I swore I would never date. So this doesn't really change anything I guess."

"You sound unsure."

She was unsure, "Well..."

"Does this have to do with Jace?" Mike asked knowingly.

"Ummm ,yea?"

He smiled gentaly, he knew Jace shared her feelings, he had said so the day before.

"Just trust your self, and trust Jace, give yourself time, take it slowly, Jace will understand. But don't be so focoused on going slow that you forget to go."

That was the end of talking about that, it made a lot sense though and it made her feel better somehow, gave strength to bring up something else she needed to talk about.

When Jace was in there with her she hadn't wanted to worried him, so she hadn't mentioned that she still thought about killing herself, and even more often about cutting. Now though she could and she did.

Mike told her to call him if she felt she was going to do something like that, to make sure she wasn't alone when she felt like that and to tell Jace. Jace needed to know he said, or someone in the house did anyway. She agreed to talk to Jace about it. She didn't know how, but she would.

Mike also told her about something called the butterfly project. When you felt like cutting you drew a butterfly where ever you would have cut. If you didn't cut till it wore off it "flew away to freedom" if you cut the butterfly died. He said he knew it sounded retarded but it worked. Clary doubted this, but agreed to try it anyway.

When the hour was up he called Jace back in. He wanted Clary to talk to him now so she didn't end up changing her mind, she did and ended in tears, in Jace's arms.

Once she calmed down again he said "You haven't been out of the house till now right?"

She nodded.

"Don't go straight home, your homework is to go somewhere and have a good time okay?"

She looked doubtfully at him.

"I'll make sure she does her homework." Jace said with a smirk that said, 'this is gonna be fun.'

When they in the car Jace glanced over at Clary, "Where to?"

"Home?"

"You heard the man, you have been ordered to have a good time."

She sighed, "Fine you pick, just please somewhere where there's not a lot of people?"

He took her to a park, it was beautiful, not many people, peaceful and calm.

As he pulled into the parking lot she smiled, she been afraid he would take her someplace loud and crowded. She needn't have worried.

When she open the door she took a deep breath, preparing herself to be around people, granted there weren't many people here, but there were a few and that was too many for her taste just now.

"You like horses?" Jace asked.

"Who doesn't like horses?"

"Morons."

She laughed, then she noticed something, she took another deep breath.

"Do I smell horses?"

"Yep, there's a little barn over there, you can rent horses for trail riding. Do you want to?"

Did she want to go riding? That was the stupidest question anyone could ask her, she loved riding, at the institute they had horses, according to her father a properly rounded person knew how to rid. But she didn't get to ride often, hardly ever lately.

"Could we really?"

He smiled, this was first time she had sounded truly excited about anything, well not counting that time when they talked about being more then friends and that time her excitement had been so mixed with fear that he wasn't sure it counted.

"Of course we can."

He lead her to the barn, "You wanna wait here well I find someone?"

She shook her head.

"You wanna come with me?"

She nodded, unwilling to be alone in a strange place.

"Hey!" Jace said when he saw a stable hand, grooming one of the horses.

"Can we get two horses.

"Hey your self. You want your usual?"

"Yep and one of equal awesomeness for my friend." it was clear that he came here often.

Clary had a sudden idea, she wished she'd thought of it before, so could have asked Jace to ask for her, but she hadn't so if she wanted this she had to ask herself.

"Can we groom our horses ourselves?" she asked softly.

The stable hand smiled, she knew that only someone who really loved horses would ever ask for permission to groom as horse, ask for permission to something the stable hands got payed to do.

"Sure." she turned to Jace, "You know where everything is right? Buck is in the big paddock and she can ride Radar. If you don't mind a bit of a challenge that is." she added looking at Clary.

Clary felt better just being near the horses, and people who loved horses couldn't be bad people they just couldn't.

"I love a challenge." she said with a smile. She didn't even worry that she was talking to a stranger, horse people were safe, she knew it didn't make sense, not really, but what ever, it felt true, and therefore it was true.

As they went to get their horses she realized that maybe Jace might not have wanted to groom his own horse.

"Ummm, sorry, guess I should have asked if you wanted to groom your horse..."

He laughed, "Chill, I always groom my own horse. I come here sometimes just to groom a horse or five, if I don't feel like riding."

"Really?"

"Yea it's a good way to clear my head ya know?"

She knew.

They had been riding for quite a while, Jace knew Clary was still bruised and sore and riding couldn't be completely comfortable just now, but yet she seemed to be having a good time. They had been cantering and Jace's horse who was coming back from a bowed tendon (Jace had helped with bringing him back) needed a rest.

"Hey let's walk." he said tugging lightly on Buck's rains. "Buck needs a rest."

She laughed as Buck protested the slower pace. She was glad for the rest though. She pulled Radar into a walk also. Radar was really very cooperative, when he wasn't spooking at a shadow... She liked him though.

"Hey I know a little spot where we can take a break." Jace suggested.

He lead the way to a little clearing in the trees. Clary gasped. It was beautiful! The trees were starting to change colors and there was a sparkling blue pond at the far edge.

Jace heard her gasp and smiled. He quickly swung out of the saddle. "Hand on one sec, I'll help you down."

"I don't need help." she protested.

"Look, you're supposed to be taking it easy, I'm not sure that you even supposed to be riding. Your waiting."

She rolled her eyes but waited while Jace took two halters and lead ropes out of his saddle bag.

He slipped off Buck's bridle and slipped on the halter and lead rope. He then tied him to a tree so he could graze.

Then he did the same to Radar.

"Now you can get down." he said coming around to the left side of her horse.

She swung her right leg out of the stirrup and over Radar's back, wincing as she did so.

Jace put his hands on her waist to guide her down.

When she was on ground she stood there with his hands on her waist. Where his hands touched her it felt like flames were licking at her skin, burning her -in a good way- she was that aware of his touch. Without thinking about it she leaned against him.

Also acting on instinct he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her closer.

She gasped.

He thought it was a gasp of pleasure, but..."Should I stop?"

"Only if you want to."

He responded by planting a kiss on her neck.

"Jace." she breathed. She twisted in his arms so she was pressed against him.

"More?"

She nodded, a faint voice was whispering 'slow down, don't go there', but she couldn't care less.

He bent down, moving in for a real kiss, he paused, clearly giving her a chance to change her mind, but she raised up toward him on her tip toes.

The first kiss was gentle, Jace moving as if she might break at any moment, Clary figuring out what to do. When he pulled away he felt like he was leaving a piece of himself, he'd kissed more girls then he cared to think about but Clary was the only one who ever made him feel like that, she was the only one that mattered.

"You okay?" she was breathing hard and he could feel her heart pounding, now he thought about it that might be his own heart he was feeling.

"Yes." and it was true, "For the first time in a long time."

"Me too." he murmured, leaning down to kiss her again.

This time he didn't seem afraid of breaking her and she knew exactly what she was doing.

Clary felt alive for the first time in longer then she could remember. It was as if Jace's kisses were heeling her, healing the wounds that had been forming since the first time her father hit her.

Jace felt it too, it was as if the holes in their hearts were finally heeling, knitting themselves back together.

She pulled away gasping for breath, she tried to come back for more but Jace stopped her, she wasn't as strong as she normally would be, she was supposed to be resting, she needed to wait at least a minute, he figured he could wait that long, but not much longer.

"breath." he said, he was breathing hard too.

"Jace I need you."

He wrapped his arms around her, "I need you too."

That was as long as either of them could wait they kissed again. Then something shoved Jace in the shoulder sending them stumbling and falling to the ground. They looked up in shock and started laughing when they saw Buck staring up at them looking like he totally meant to do that.

"Stupid horse." Jace muttered.

"I think he's laughing." Clary said when could talk again.

Buck snorted as if to say 'of course I am.' and she started laughing again.

They stayed there for a long time, till it start to get dark. That afternoon they were just two teenagers having fun, they forgot all their hurt, and fear, they forgot their past, they all but forgot they had ever had a past. All that mattered was right now, all that mattered was each other. They had a leaf fight, when they took the horses to the pond for a drink, Clary started a splash fight. It was the best day either them had in a very long time, possibly the best they had ever had.

Eventually it started to get dark, "We'd better get back, we still have to groom these guys and I'm starving." Jace said reluctantly.

"Fine, I'm starving to." Clary agreed. She realized it was true. She was starving.

Jace smiled, she was hungry! It was almost comical how happy this made him.

When they were almost to the barn Clary stopped her horse, Jace stopped alongside her.

"Can we come back?"she ask in a soft voice.

"Of corse."

"Jace? I...when I go back? Are you coming too?"

"If you still need me to teach I'll be there.

"What if I need you for...something else?"

"And what would that be?"

"To make me whole again." she answered hoping it didn't sound lame, she truly meant it.

"I'll be there, I need you to make whole too you know."

**AN: If you review you get a sneak peek of the next chapter. All you have to do it answer these questions.**

**1) do you think Clary and Jace's relationship is moving too fast, to slow or just right? And what do you think about it. (I think it's cute, but heart breaking. But I want to know what you think.)**

**2) do you ever listen to the songs I put with the chapters and if so do you like them?**

**3) Is there anything about this story that you can't stand (Other than my grammar and spelling)? If so what is it and why?**

**Also I wrote a poem called 'I'm a Fighter' it's not really about Clary or Jace but it reminds me of them in some parts. If I get 5 people asking for it I'll put it at the end of the next chapter. (it's very short, don't worry.)**


	13. Nightmares

Paste your doc

**NA: Hey guys! I'm still alive, sorry I haven't updated in forever! **  
**I would like to thank iluvjace421 for being all amazing and giving me an idea for this chapter. =D See people? I do use your ideas so give me more! XD **  
**Any way this chapter is pretty long so I hope that makes up for the long wait.**

When they got back Max came running up the them, "Clary will you read to me?"  
"After dinner okay?"  
"Hey what about me?! I thought I was your favorite?" Jace asked teasingly.  
"But you have no taste in books." Clary pointed out.  
"You can read to me if you want." Max offered.  
"On second thought Clary is welcome take that torcher from me."

"You kids ready for dinner?" Mrs. Lightwood called from the kitchen "It's almost ready."  
"I'm starved." Jace replied.  
"When are you not starved?" Izzy retorted also from the kitchen.  
"Oh God she's in the kitchen! Izz please tell me you did not make that food!"  
"I made cake."  
"Well at least dinner will be eatable...Clary don't touch the cake though."  
"Hey!" Izzy said standing in the doorway with her hands on her hips.  
"Izz I'm sure it's great. Jace, just shut it." Clary said punching him in the arm.  
"Ouch!"  
"Watch out Jace. We girls stick together." Izzy said laughing.  
"Yea well untill she tries your cake any way."  
"Where were you two? You smell like horses!"  
"We were riding...why else would we smell like horses?" Jace responded.  
"And what's wrong with smelling like horses?" Clary added.

"Jace! Isabelle! Knock it off!" Maryse called from the kitchen.  
"Sorry." they both replied, neither of them looked sorry.  
"You two should go clean up." Alec said coming into the living room. "You do kinda smell."  
Jace gave an exaggerated sigh, "Come on Clary, they just don't understand."  
"Clearly." Clary said with a smile.

"Can I help clean up?" Clary asked when dinner was over.  
"Thanks Clary that would be great."  
"Then we can have cake!" Izzy squealed.  
"Oh great." Alec and Jace muttered.

Clary and Izzy cleaned up the kitchen. Izzy complained about it most of the time but Clary actully enjoyed it in a way, it had been so long since she had been a part of a real family, since before her mom died, even when she been alive though things with father had never been good. This made her long for that even more but it also in a way made her feel apart of something.

After cleaning up, and eating Izzy's cake which much to Alec and Jace's shock was actually pretty good.  
"I followed the recipe on the box! Duh it's good. Only a moron could mess it up!" Izzy had exclaimed in exasperation.

"Well you don't like horses." Jace commented with a smirk at Clary who burst out laughing.  
"And that has something to do with anything how exactly? Clary! Why in the world is it so funny?!"  
This only made Clary and Jace laugh harder.

"Clary could you help me take the dishes to the kitchen." all the Lightwood kids, knew this meant she wanted to talk to Clary.

"How are you?" Mrs. Lightwood asked awkwardly.  
"Better, thank you. I'll be going home soon. My d-dad is i-in jail...so I'll be s-safe."  
"Clary." she gave the little girl a hug. Clary started crying.  
"We want you to stay here till after the trial. Okay? Just in case anything goes wrong. I know you must be ready to leave, being in a strange place, putting up with those four." A scream had just sounded of the other room. Jace must have done something to Izzy because he and Max and even Alec were laughing.  
"It's nice to have them around actually, good distraction." Clary said with a small smile, then Max let of a squel and Izzy screamed again as Jace began laughing loudly.  
"Really?" Mrs. Lightwood asked, with a smile of her own.  
"Yea, but I'm don't want to impose... and I need to get back and help Jon and Luke."  
"I talked to both of them earlier and we all think it's best for you to stay here. This way you're away from all that craziness. As much as you can be under the circumstances. And Clary, you're not imposing at all. We love having you here, we all want what's best for, you okay? So you're staying here, end of story."  
"Thank you." Clary whispered.  
"Of course, if you need anything don't be afraid to ask."

That night Clary didn't want to go to bed. Jace was in her room with her, just talking, they both wanted to kiss again but they were both afraid of taking things too fast, even Jace didn't want to go too fast, he wanted to do this right, she was the only girl who mattered, the girl only that ever would matter, he needed to do this right.

Jace got a text, "It's Jon, he wants to know if you're okay. Are you?" he added the last part as he stroked her hair, gently, needing to know the truth.  
"Closer than I have been in a long time, years maybe"  
"You should call him."  
She didn't want to call him, she wanted Jace to stay here, she wanted him hold her, to kiss her, to make everything feel right, the way it had it the woods.  
As if her reading mind Jace leaned down and kissed her forehead. "I'll go so you can talk. I'll be back, I'll go check on Max, see if he wants me to read him a bedtime story."  
"You'll be back?"  
He knew she couldn't help but wonder if he would leave her, it wasn't her fault but it made him mad, not at her, at her father, if he ever got a chance alone with that man...it would not end well.

"Clary."  
"Hey."  
"How are you?" his voice was full of worry.  
"Sick of people asking me that."  
"Clary."  
"I'm okay today. Okayish at any rate."  
"Oh Clary."  
"Jon listen to me. Stop worrying. I'm okay. Jace won't let me do anything you wouldn't let me do. He took me on a trail ride today."  
Jon smiled, he knew how much his baby sister loved horses. "Did you have a good time?"  
Yes, she most certainly had. "Yea."  
"You're hiding something."  
"What's with you and Sie being able to read my mind?!"  
"Baby, I need you to tell the truth."  
"It's none of yo business Jon."  
"Clary!"  
"I kissed him."  
"Wait, what? Who?!"  
"Jace." her voice was soft, barely a whispered, but he could hear the happiness in her voice.  
"About time. We all thought you two would end up together, but then..."  
"He makes it better."  
"He if didn't I'd have to kill him."  
"Jon!" she exclaimed, unsure whether or not he was joking.  
"Chill, I'm not gonna hurt him...unless he hurts you."  
"He won't."  
It was amazing to hear how much she trusted him. He had been afraid she wouldn't be able to move on after this, he knew she still had a long way to go but this was something for her to live for, something to keep her going. He knew Jace. He knew he wouldn't let her hurt herself, cutting or worse, Jace wouldn't let it happen. He wouldn't have any way, but now it would be easier for Jace to stop her, he hoped. he just needed to talk to Jace, make sure the other boy understood just how dead one wrong move around his sister would make him.  
They talked for a few minutes then Jon said he had to go but Luke wanted to talk to her if that was okay, once she was talking to Luke Jon called Jace.

"Hey" Jace answered the phone.  
"So you and my sister."  
Jace wondered what she had told him, he didn't mind, he wanted the world to know! (was this really him? He didn't date but here he was wanting the world to know that he was no longer a player...he liked it, it was new and terrifying, but it felt good, it felt right.) He had thought Clary wanted to keep it quiet though.  
"Ummm yea...?"  
"If you hurt her-"  
Jace cut him off. "Jon, I can't hurt her. Listen I, don't want to tell you this, you will not repeat it to anyone and you will not bring it up again. You know I was adopted, but what you don't know is that before that I was abused, I tried to kill myself. I can't explain it, not so it makes sense to anyone but Clary and I, but being with her feels right, and i couldn't hurt her, it would be like chopping my own arm off!" he said all this very quickly, trying to get it over with, but his voice was hard, sincere, but hard, as if he felt the need to prove that this didn't mean he was weak.  
"Wow" he didn't not what say "I'm sorry." yea it was what everyone said and it was lame but what else was there to say?  
"I didn't tell you so you would feel sorry for me, I told you so you wouldn't have a panic attack every time you thought about Clary."

"I know and thanks." he couldn't put into words how grateful he was to Jace, he felt bad now for the way he had basically threatened him. All this was taking it's toll on him though, he felt like he was supposed to be the strong one, but he he was so close to his breaking point, if he didn't have Luke, taking care of the legel stuff and just being there for him and Jace and the Lightwoods watching out for Clary he'd probably be locked up in a mental hospital by now...maybe not but thats what it felt like.

"I'm just so out of it right now, they might be letting dad out till after the trial...he just knows to many people...and ughh!" he let out a small scream of frustration, unable to hold it in.  
"Letting him out? Like letting him go free?!" Jace knew he needed to stay calm, he knew that desperate note in Jon's voice, when he sounded like that Alec was there to calm him down make him see a way out of the problem, what ever it was, if not Alec then Izzy, or even Max, if none of them were there then that's when bad things happened, but this time it was his turn to be the calm one.  
"Sorry, it's just...do you think he'll come looking for her? Shouldn't she have some kind of police protection...or?"  
"They don't think it's necessary, most of them think there's no way he could be guilty. Luke's been on the phone for hours trying to find the best possible lawyer."  
"We shouldn't need a good lawyer, we should be able to win with a frick'n monkey! Okay sorry...Maryse knows people too though. Valentines not the only one with connections. I think she knows a good lawyer...I'll have her call Luke."  
"Thanks Jace.  
"Yep, don't worry, I'm not gonna let anything happen to her. But Ummmm I'm not gonna tell Clary about your dad, not tonight, she had a good day...I don't want to let him take that from her."  
"You're the one there with her, it's up to you, I think not telling her is for the best though. But if they let him out..."  
"Then we'll take it from there." Jace said trying to keep his voice steady. The mere thought of Valentine being free, possibly coming after Clary, his Clary, he didn't knew if he would be able to stop himself from literally killing him if he had half a chance and any more reason then what he had now.

He went back to Clary's room to find she had just gotten off the phone.  
It took some work to hide the anger that was eating at his insides, but he was a pro at hiding his feelings, so he thought he managed pretty well.

"Jace?"  
"Yes?"  
"Now what?" she didn't really know what she meant, was she talking about things thing her father, or the next step on the way to "getting better", or things between the two of them, she didn't really know, but mostly the last one probably.

"What do you mean?"  
"Everything."  
He nodded, 'Now what was a very good question. He wished he had a good answer for her.  
"You stay here, till you're better, till it's safe to go back, till you can go back."  
"What if I can't?" What if the memories were too much? What if she was too weak to face them? Then what? Then where did she go?  
"Then you stay here, you can teach here, we're not letting you leave till your ready. I'm not letting you leave till you're able to go back there without having a relapse."

She managed a bitter smile, "In order to have a relapse don't I need to make progress first?"

"You will." he took her hand, "You will and you are, you're letting me touch you."  
She looked down at his hand over hers, "I guess, but that shouldn't be progress...it shouldn't be taking this long! And you're the only one, the only one who can touch me or even really be near me without me flipping out, you and the Lightwoods, but mostly just you."  
"I don't mind having you to myself for a while."  
"Might be longer then you want me for, I don't want to make you hate me." she was scared to death of making people hate her especially Jace, if Jace stopped caring for her she thought she would die, not the way other teenage girls die when their boyfriends dump them, but really die, like give up, just stop eating, slitting her wrist, that kind of dying.

"Clary" shit what was he supposed to say to that. He didn't have any words for what he was feeling, but maybe he didn't need words.  
He leaned down and kissed her. Trying to put everything he was feeling into that kiss, all his fear for her life, all his need to be with her, all his love for her. He realized in this moment that he loved her.

"You asked now what? Now, now you're not alone, okay? And neither am I. We need each other. Clary, you need to believe that I'm not going to leave you, I know you think there's no way I or anyone else would want you, you can't let him mess with your head like that. You a beautiful, kind and amazing person. How can you believe no one would want you? I want you." he realized how that might have sounded to her. Shit. His heart was pounding his hands were almost shaking, his was only making things worse!  
"I mean...I mean, I don't know how to say what I mean!"  
"Take your time." she wanted to tell him to stop, put him out of his misery, but at the same time she needed to hear what he was going to say.

He took a deep breath to try to stop his hands from shaking.  
"Look, I thought I couldn't love anyone, not like LOVE love. But then I met you. I know I haven't known you very long and I know you wanted to take things slow, but listen to me, we can still go slow, I want to go slow to...well part of me does any way. The other part wants to hold you and never let you go, especially when you talk like that. Look Clary, I want to be here for you, and I will be, but it's more then that. I need you too! I'm never far from the edge of depression, the edge of all this." he waved his hand in the air to prove a point, not really bothering to figure out what that point was, or how waving his hand proved it.  
She knew what he meant though.

"I need you." he was shaking, he was trying to calm her down but he himself was near a breakdown.

"Clary I never said that to anyone before, I need you."

"Jace." she whispered as she leaned toward him, their lips met and for that brief moment everything was as it should be.

They sat there for a while talking till Clary began yawning.  
"You've had a long day, you need to sleep."  
"but I don't want to sleep. I want-I want to be with you."  
"I could stay for a while. Till you fall asleep?"  
"If you don't mind?" she asked timidly.  
"Clary." he said exasperated, "I thought I got through to you! Of course I don't mind!" he wasn't really yelling but his change of tone was enough to scare her. She pulled away from him, her eyes big, terror clearly showing.  
"Oh no, no no no. I'm sooo sorry. I didn't mean to raise my voice. Oh Clary."  
"It's okay. I'm okay. It's just..."  
"I know Clary, I know." he reached out a hand to her and he felt a part of himself die as she flinched away.  
He been thinking he could lay with her till she fell asleep. That would clearly have to wait.  
"I'm so sorry." he said again.  
"It's not your fault. I shouldn't react like that." she whispered, full of shame and anger at herself, but still afraid.  
"No Clary, you didn't do anything wrong. You should sleep. You'll feel better in the morning." he needed to get out of here before he hurt her again. He had been right along, he wasn't good enough for her.

"Will you still stay?"  
"Of course." he reached out for her hand and she took it. He sat there whispering soothing words till she was almost asleep. Just before she fell asleep she opened her eyes and whispered quietly, "I love you."  
Jace leaned down and gently kissed her forehead, moving slowly, afraid that any sudden movements would shatter this rare moment of complete happiness.  
"I love you too."  
"I know." she whispered, and she was asleep, worn out from the long, hard, but oddly happy day.

Jace just sat there for a while. Just watching her, he kind of felt like a stalker, but who cared? She had said she loved him! He didn't know how long he sat there for, but eventually he forced himself to get up and go to bed.

Clary woke up to a scream, she had been having nightmares, she always nightmares, it had been going on for years, only now they were worse then ever. At first she thought she was the one who had screamed, but as she lay there, heart hammering, she knew it was Jace.

Before she could concisely decide what to do she was up and running to him. She flew to his door and paused he was now muttering frantically in his sleep, she was terrified, but she knew she had to do something.  
"Clary no!" he said, she froze thinking he was awake and telling her to stay out.  
But then be called out again, this time loudly, no words, just a shout of pure pain and despair.  
She opened the door and flew to his side. She put a hand on his arm, he flinched, he must have been dreaming about the people who had done this to him. For the first time she felt the anger Jace felt every time she flinched away from him, the people who had done this to him needed to feel his pain, one day of his pain would probably kill them!  
"Jace." she said softly, "Jace, it's just me, it's Clary. Your dreaming."  
Alec and Izzy came down the hall now, woken by his second scream. When they got to the door way - which Clary had left open- they saw Clary sitting on the edge of the bed, Jace staring up at her, his eyes wide and clouded with fear, the way they always were when he woke up like this. But as they stood there watching Clary reached out and tried brush the hair off his sweaty forehead, he tensed,  
"Jace, I'm just going to get the hair out of your face." her voice was calm but her hands were shaking a little.  
Out in the hallway Alec pulled Izzy away from the door, "She has it under control." he said once they were far enough away from the door.  
"But-" Izzy started to protest.  
"Izzy go back to bed, let them be."

Back in Jake's room Clary slowly moved her hand toward him, the same way he did for her. When she touched him he flinched again but then seemed to relax a bit.  
"Was that so bad?" she asked, repeating his own words back at him with a small smile.  
"Clary." he whispered, finally coming fully awake. "Why are you here? You should be sleeping. Clary, your shaking!"  
"Why am I here? Well why were you there on the rooftop?" she was shaking harder now. "I needed you and you were there, now I'm here for you, it's not the same, I can never repay you for that..but I-" she broke off unable to go on.  
"Clary, stop, you don't have to repay me. But even you if you did you already would have. So just stop, ok?"  
She nodded, unsure what to do next.  
"Stay with me?" Jace whispered.  
She nodded, without a word or a second thought she started to slip under the covers with him, then she froze.  
"Ummm you are wearing pants right?"  
He laughed, "Yes." he decided not to add, "But I could take them off if you wanted."  
"Good." she said with an embarrassed smile, as she lay down next to him.

Then next morning Jace woke up first, as he started to regain concounes the first thing he realized was that he was happy, he hadn't woken up actually happy in longer then he could remember. Then realized she was still there next to him, in fact she was curled up against him. He smiled and wrapped an arm around her. Normally he woke up early and got up right away, but it was already 8:00 and he found he had no desire to get up what so ever, and not in the way that he was used to, where he felt like just laying there till he died would be a very good idea and had to force himself though the day pretending he was fine. No today there would be no need to pretend, today he was okay, he really was okay. Better than okay in fact. Today he was happy to just lay in bed for a while, with Clary curled up next to him, he was perfectly content.  
She shifted in her sleep, snuggling closer to him. He smiled.  
Eventually she opened her eyes and blinked sleepily, she looked confused.  
"Hey beautiful." Jace whispered and quickly kissed her.  
"Hey yourself. Why am I in your bed?"  
"I kidnapped you obviously." Jace answered automatically, before realizing that might have been a bad answer given the circumstances.  
"I see." she answered as what really happened came back to her.  
"I like being kidnaped."  
They lay there for a while longer then Jace said, "About last night, I- I wish I hadn't woke you up."  
"You wish you hadn't kidnapped me?"  
"No, I have absolutely no regrets about that part. I mean about-"  
"The night mares?" She asked quietly.  
"Yea."  
"Don't worry about it, my dreams at that moment were nothing I wanted to last. Honestly I was glad you woke me from them, I mean I wish you hadn't been dreaming too but,"  
"Yea, I know. Where your dreams any better once I kidnaped you?"  
"Much, I didn't have any dreams actually."  
"Me neither."  
"Jace? Ummm next time you have bad dreams feel free to come kidnap me, okay?"  
He laughed at that, "Sure, how about tonight?"  
"Sounds good."  
He kissed her again.  
"Hey Jace?"  
"Yes my beautiful?"  
"He's coming for me isn't he?"  
"Clary." how didn't she know? It was like she could read his mind, he sorta liked having someone who could see through him, but this was ridiculous.  
"Don't lie to me. John was hiding something, and you seemed on edge last night."  
"I don't know Clary, John said they might be letting him out till the trial. That doesn't mean they will, and if they do that doesn't mean he'll come for you."  
"He will." she sounded so resigned, as if she didn't think there was any way out."  
"If he does I'll beat the shit out of him." Okay, maybe not the best thing to say, but still, it was true...  
"Don't kill him." was all she said.  
"I won't. You want to go train? Mayris wanted me to teach a class today too..."  
"Sure training sounds good, and maybe I can help with the class?"  
"Sure sounds good, then maybe if you feel up to it we can go for a walk?"  
She didn't answer, she just kissed him which he assumed meant okay.

**Okay so what did you think? The Jace having a bad dream part was not my idea, that was iluvjace421's idea. :) Well she said Clary should have a bad dream so I guess I changed her idea some...but still I wouldn't have thought of it without her. :)**

**If you want a sneak peek of the next chapter answer these questions:**

**What do you think of this chapter? Was it too long?**

**What do you think of the poem? Honestly, do you think it's good enough to get published? Or least that if I keep working at it I can get one published someday? (I'm gonna keep writing either way lol It's too much fun to give it up even if I'm horrible)**

**Am i getting any better at proof reading? The reason I don't have a beta is that I need practice doing it myself. So I'm sorry for making you put up with my awfulness but I think its getting a bit better, right?**

**Here's the poem I wrote, it was inspired by the song Fighter by Manafest.**

**What do you see?**  
**When you look at me, what do you see?**  
**do you see the real me?**  
**The hurting me?**  
**The suffering me?**  
**The fighter?**

**Do you see the fake me?**  
**The one I pretend to be?**  
**With the makeup and such?**  
**Am I pretty?**  
**Do you like me?**  
**It doesn't matter.**  
**That's not me.**

**Someday I'll be free,**  
**I'll be myself,**  
**Free to hurt,**  
**Free to cry,**  
**Free to bleed.**

**Someday I'll be myself,**  
**Free to live,**  
**To love,**  
**To laugh.**

**Today I'm done with fake me.**  
**Today I show who I am,**  
**Today I hurt,**  
**I cry,**  
**I bleed.**  
**Today I take a step out of the shadows,**  
**A step towards the light.**  
**It might be a hard fight,**  
**But I'm a fighter,**  
**I fight on.**


	14. Welcome to the Masquerade

**AN: OMG! You guys! I love you! 103 reviews! XD**

Song for the chapter is Welcome to the Masquerade by TFK, so as you can see I don't own the chapter name.

Clary was trying hard to act okay, to be okay. But she wasn't okay, no one could expect her to be, not yet - no one but herself anyway. When she walked into the training room she froze. It looked to much like the ones at home, it reminded her too much of him.  
"Clary?" Jace asked she had been right next to him, where did she go?  
He looked back just in time to see her sinking to the floor, head in her hands, he knew from experience that she was trying to hold back the memories, he also knew from experience that it didn't work.

"Clary? Clary look at me."  
She could hear him, but just barely, the sound of her father telling her how useless she was, how she was worth less than nothing, how no one could ever love her, all that was so loud that it drowned out Jace's pleading voice.  
Even Jace didn't know the full story, not even Jon and Simon, not a single person knew. She knew she ought to tell someone, but she couldn't. It hurt to much to even think about. She had always just pushed it away, if she could make everyone else believe she was alright, maybe she could be, maybe she could fool herself. But she couldn't. She wasn't strong enough, she was weak, worthless, Jace couldn't really love her could he? Was he just trying to use her?

He put a hand on her shoulder, gently, trying to draw her out of her mind, he knew she must be hearing something, maybe even seeing it. It had happened to him before, it was sort of like PTSD he figured, it was like living the worst moments of your life over again, fun right?

"Clary, Clary listen to me, you're okay. You're safe, whatever it is it's not real. It's not now. Im here, nothing is going to happen to you."

She looked at him, fear clouding her eyes.

"You can trust me."

"No Jace, I can't."

"What?" he knew he should say something comforting, she clearly wasn't thinking straight, but her words felt like a knife cutting through his heart. It killed him, but he needed to take care of Clary right now, then deal with his problems later. It still killed though.

"Hey guys! Mind if I join you?" it was Izzy, Jace didn't think he'd ever been so happy to see his rather irritating sitter.  
"Iz! Get over here."  
"Oh my God! Clary! What happened."  
Jace wondered if anyone was worse at dealing with these things then his sister was, he knew she meant well and he loved her for it, but all her squealing was not helping things. Well on second though it didn't seem to bother Clary, but he didn't know how much more of it he could take.

Isabelle managed to get Clary to her room and into bed.  
"Thanks Iz. I'm so sorry." Clary managed to get out in a choked whisper.  
"Well you shouldn't be." Isabelle said matter of factly.

"Well I am."

"You want me to stay for a while?"

"No, thanks Iz. I'm fine now." she lied. "Really." she added when Izzy gave her a look.

"You want me to get Jace?" she asked not understanding in the least what had happened.

"No! I mean...no Iz, not right now, just please go." she was almost pleading and she hated it, but Isabelle would not see her cry, she didn't have much dignity left but she still had a shred and she would not let anyone see her lose it, not this time.

"Okay...well just call if you need and thing." she gave a the other girl a quick hug and hesitantly walked out the door.

Clary didn't cry, she thought she would but she didn't, she just sat there, staring blankly at the wall, thinking about things she shouldn't.

Jace was in the training room, beating up a punching bag as if his life depended on it, when Alec walked in.  
"Where's Clary?"  
"With." punch "Izzy" kick "she doesn't" kick "trust me" punch "any more". Kick, punch, punch kick, the chain snapped and the punching bag went flying.  
"You need to calm down." Alec said calmly but firmly. "Iz is in the other training room teaching 7 year olds, shes not with Clary."  
Jace froze, "You're sure?"  
Alec just nodded.  
"She left her alone?!"  
"You want me to check on her?"  
But Jace was already gone, running as fast as he could, praying he wasn't too late.

He burst into her room and froze, her bed was covered in blood, she was just laying there, not moving, she was still breathing, he could tell because her breaths were short and fast.  
He only paused for a moment, just long enough to process what he was seeing. Then he ran to her side.  
"Alec!" He screamed, "call an ambulance!"  
Alec was already in the doorway, with his phone in his hand, he had followed the other boy as quickly as he could, just in case.

Jace ripped the cleaner parts of her sheets into strips, and with Alec's help stopped the bleeding the best that he could.

"They'll be here any minute. I'm gonna go get mom. She needs to know what's going on. Will you be okay for a minute?"  
Jace nodded numbly.  
"Jace." Alec's tone was warring,  
"I'm fine, go!"

Alec hurried off down the hall.

The few minutes till the ambulance arrived seem to drag on and on for years.  
"Clary. Oh Clary, I'm so sorry I failed you. He whispered desperately.  
Her eyes fluttered open, just for a moment, she looked right at him and whispered one word, just one word.  
"Sorry."  
"No Clary! No my beautiful little fighter, you have nothing to be sorry for! Don't leave me! Please don't leave me. Its all my fault! No! Clary look at me!"  
She opened her eyes again, and gathering all the strength she could find whispered.  
"Not your fault. Love you."  
"I love you more then anything in the world Clary. Please hang on. Please." his voice was breaking, he couldn't say anything else. So he leaned down and pressed his lips to her forehead.  
She gave a faint smile and closed her eyes for what Jace feared would be the last time.

When the ambulance got there, Jace was sitting there, stroking her hair with one hand, taking her plus with the other, needing to know that she was still alive, if only barely.

Alec gently guided him out of the way so they could put her on the stretcher. Izzy came running and threw herself at Jace sobbing, "It's all my fault!"  
"No it's mine." he replied evenly, pushing her towards Alec.

Clary was now in the back of the ambulance.  
"I need to go with her."  
"It's best if you don't. We have a lot of work to do on the way." the man replied frankly.  
Alec put a hand on his shoulder, holding him back.  
"Go get in the car, you're not driving like this. Iz you're staying with mom and Max, don't argue. We'll call when we know something."  
Isabelle who was once again in control of her emotions shook her head.  
"I'm coming."  
"What ever, let her! Lets go! We don't have time for this!"  
Jace didn't say anything the whole way there, Alec stopped even trying to talk to him.  
Clary better make it. He didn't want to think about what would happen to Jace if she didn't.****

AN: Anyone see that coming? Cuz I didn't...it just randomly came to me and I liked it. What do you think? Reviews get a sneak peek as soon as I get something written to give you. XD

Also just FYI I read all the reviews and even if you're not signed in I take your suggestions under consideration. I just can't reply to you if you don't sign in.


	15. The Unthinkable

**AN: I would like to thank the amazing Hassle Casstle for offering to be my beta, and then beating for this story even though she was really talking about my other story. lol I'm sooo easily confused. Also the document she sent back to me was messed up thanks to my computer, so I fixed everything best as could but any mistakes are 100% my fault, she pointed them out I was just unable to see them. :P**

Also thank you to demonandstrigoihuntingprince ss for your idea's. If I say said what they were now it would ruin the chapter but thank you darling!

Songs for this chapter:  
Dead Flowers by Demon Hunter  
Blood In the Tears by Demon Hunter  
Zero by Hawk Nelson

When the car stopped Jace jumped out then realized he had no idea where to go. "Alec where?" he could barely form those two little words and whole sentences were far beyond him.

"I'll find out."  
Alec was struggling with what to say, so he wasn't saying anything really, just trying to show Jace that he was there. That whatever happened he would be there.

Jace had been doing so well, and now this! He knew it wasn't right to be angry at Clary but he couldn't help it. Jace was his brother and closest friend, he had finally been to the point where Alec didn't worry about him quite as much anymore, but this? This was bad, he felt bad for Clary, sure he hoped she was okay, but of all the girls that threw themselves at Jace why in hell had he chosen this one to actually care for?

.

Clary was in the ICU, Alec had found out from the nurse at the front desk. The three of them were now sitting in a waiting room, waiting for something to happen.

A nurse came back.  
"It's not looking good I'm afraid."  
Izzy closed her eyes for a moment, trying to hold back the guilt.

Alec glanced at Jace to find that his face had hardened, he was trying to hide his fear and pain. But it wasn't working.  
"I need to see her."  
"I'm sorry, no one can see her."  
Jace took a deep breath, trying to keep from punching something or someone.  
"I need to see her, you don't understand, I have to."  
"I understand, but you can't, she's not even in a room, she-"  
"I need to see her, I have to talk to her." Jace interrupted.  
"She's not conscious."  
"She can still hear, I could still hear."  
Something in his voice got to her,she hated this part, telling people that people they cared about were dying and there was nothing could do about it. Also "I could still hear"? If he had been through something like this maybe he knew something she didn't, maybe he could say something that would give her strength to fight for her life, she should be doing better than what she was, it was like she was fighting against their efforts to save her, maybe this desperate boy could say something to change that.

"Okay, I'll see what I can do, but only you. I'll be right back."

"The first time? You could hear?"  
"I could." He looked at his brother and sister, sitting there looking worriedly at him.  
"They all said I wouldn't make it. But my worker was still trying to find a place for me to go, just in case. She didn't think I'd make it though, she was just doing her job. Then your mom-"  
"Our mom." Izzy interrupted.  
"Then mom, came to see me. I was still in ICU, still unconscious, but I could hear, she was the only one that believed I could make it, she talked to me, told me about you and Max, how everyone wanted me to make it so I could come home, she said home, as if it was already my home, and be a part of your family."

Izzy jumped up and hugged her brother tightly. Alec laid a hand on his shoulder.  
Then the nurse came back.  
"Come with me." she nodded to Jace.  
Izzy gave him one last squeeze and let him go.

When he got there he froze in the doorway for a moment. He had tried to be prepared for whatever he saw, but he wasn't. He had to grab the door frame to keep himself steady.

'Okay Jace, you can do this, you don't have a choice, you're about to do the same thing she did? So what? It doesn't matter, you have to keep pretending, for her sake, she has a good life ahead of her, she can do great things, you can't let her die.' he scolded himself.

The sight was still painful, so much so that he could barely stand it, but now that he had reminded himself of what was at stake he knew he could do this.  
She was lying there on the table like thing, grim faced doctors and nurses hurrying around her. She was only wearing a hospital gown and Jace could see her scars, the new ones - some of them yet to have been stitched up - and old ones some of them looked very old, some of them looked like burns, had she done all of this to herself? He doubted it, he felt the need to kill something, but he pushed it down.

He took a step towards her, then another, and another. Soon he was standing at her side.  
"Clary. Clary, if you can hear me I need you to listen to me." he wasn't sure what to say, there were too many people around, people giving him sympathetic looks, he didn't need their sympathy! He needed Clary! He was about tell her just how much he needed her when something happened, Clary opened her eyes, looked right at him and closed them again.

Then he heard it, the sound that would haunt him the rest of his life.

"Beeeeeeeep."  
Someone swore, everyone was rushing, more so than before, it couldn't be. No! No, it couldn't be. But it was, the machine that showed her heart rate had flat lined.

He was being pushed out of the way, "Noooooooooooooooooo!" Jace shouted, the word being ripped from deep inside him. He let out another wordless scream as he fell to the ground.  
Everyone was ignoring him, they were charging that thing, Jace didn't know what it was called but he knew that it had to work, if not...

"All clear!"  
Nothing.  
They did it again, still nothing.  
"Clary! Come back! I need you! I need you!" he screamed. Not caring who heard.  
They tried one last time, and this time: "beep" "beep" "beep", Jace had never heard a better sound in his life.  
"Thank you." he breathed as he collapsed on the floor.

...

The next thing he knew Alec was at his side, as were Maryse and Izzy.  
Where was he? Was he in his room? Was this all a bad dream? Had he screamed and they had all come running to make it better? No. This wasn't a dream, they couldn't make it better.  
But where was he?  
Everything was so white.  
"Clary?" that was the only word he could get out, the only word he wanted to get out.

"Alive. She's in a room now." Maryse stroked her son's golden hair.  
"Is. She. Safe?" his words were broken apart, barely intelligible.  
"For now." she knew lying wouldn't help, but she couldn't tell her son how much danger Clary was still in. It would kill him, maybe literally.

"I need to see her."  
"Jace, sweetie. You're in the hospital too. You're in shock."

Alec laid a hand on his mother's shoulder. He nodded questioningly toward the door, thinking she might want to talk to Jace alone. She nodded, and he lead Izzy out the door.

"Clary died." Jace said sounding like he couldn't believe it.  
"They revived her, Jace, she's alive now."  
"But she was dead, she killed herself. I failed her."  
"No Jace. No." Tears were threatening to fall but she forced them back, he needed her to be strong.

"I failed her." he repeated.  
"Jace, listen to me. She wasn't responding, it wasn't working. Then you called out, and she came back. You didn't fail her, if anything you saved her, twice. Now close your eyes, you need to rest."

"I'm scared."

"I know, sweetheart. I know, almost losing someone you love tends to do that to you."

"I'm sorry mom."  
"Don't be. Just promise me you won't do anything stupid."  
"I'll try my best." he said with a bitter smile.  
"That's all I ask."

...

"I don't want to go home! I need to see Clary!"  
"Jace, no one can see her yet, I've done everything I can, they won't let you in, there's nothing else I can say."

"Tell them I have to!"  
"I did, Jace. But you can't. You need to rest. We'll come back the second they'll let you in. I promise."

Jace didn't say anything, which she took as agreement.

Jace looked at Alec willing him to understand that he needed to ride with him, he needed to get away from their mom for awhile.

"Coming with me?" Alec asked on que.  
Jace just nodded.  
"I'm coming too."  
"Iz, please go with mom. Don't make her go alone, she's upset and it's my fault, I can't be with her right now, I'll just make it worse."  
Isabelle was shocked into doing as she was asked, Jace was being...unJace like, and it scared her as much or more than the fact that he had just been in the hospital.

"Alec I can't do this!"  
They had been driving in silence. Alec knowing that Jace would talk when he was ready. That was why Jace had wanted to go with just Alec, he didn't make a fuss, he didn't squeal, he just waited, then he listened, and sometimes he even said something after, but only if there was something to be said. He didn't just talk for the sake of it, he didn't just say random crap to try to make him feel better. He was rather stupid sometimes though, as was proved - in Jace's opinion- by his response.

"Yes you can."  
"What makes you think so? I handle pain so well right? I mean waking up screaming. Yea I can do this."

"Jace don't you dare, don't start. You're not weak, you're the strongest person I know. You can get through this."  
"If she dies..."  
"She won't."  
"But if she does."  
"You'll get through it."  
"Maybe...but maybe-"  
"No! Stop it! No Jace! . Listen to me! Where would I be without you? Can't you see we need you! I need you! When we go somewhere? When there's lots of people? All I want to do is hide, but you don't let me and you force me to have fun! Jace without you I would probably like never leave the house, I'd be too scared of people finding out ...what's wrong with me... Jace! I need you, Max needs you! Everyone needs you!"

"Alec there's nothing wrong with you. Being normal is overrated. But the point is Clary was the only one who truly needed me. And I let her down."

Alec being past the point of being able to drive safely pulled into a parking lot and stopped the car.  
"Jace. You didn't fail her. You saved her! Twice. She wouldn't want you doing this to yourself! She doesn't want you doing this to yourself! Jace!" he could hear the desperation in his own voice but he didn't care. He was shouting and he never shouted but he didn't care. He used to think he loved Jace, like loved him loved him. But he knew now that he loved him as a brother and best friend. That didn't mean he could stand to lose him though.

Jace just looked at him.

This wasn't working. He took a deep breath.

"Jace listen, I swore to myself I'd never tell this to anyone." he paused.

Jace was still just looking at him but now there was something in his eyes, Alec didn't know what it was but he knew the other boy was listening.

"Jace you know that day you came to me to ask me to go with you to Mike's?"

Jace just nodded, of course he remembered that day. But what did it have to do with anything?

"Well..." how did he say this? "I'd had a really bad day at work...people making fun of me for... being-"

"Gay. Alec you don't have to be scared to say it! Now get to the point!"

"Thanks." Alec ignored the rude part of that comment, he knew it was the first part that mattered, Jace did that a lot, he would be really nice and sweet but then he would be an ass, like he needed to prove something. The only people he didn't do that with were Max and Clary.

"I know I shouldn't let it bother me but I can't help it. Anyway this one guy kept "hitting" on me and everyone thought it was really funny...I don't even know how he knew I was gay but he did...he even told every person who walked in."

"Why didn't you tell me this before?!"  
"You would have beat him up."  
"Don't tell me it wouldn't have made you feel better, not that you couldn't have done it yourself, but you're too nice for your own good." he still felt awful, he still felt his worry for Clary like physical pain, but he knew Alec suffered more than he let on, he didn't know why he was bringing this up now but he must have a reason, Alec always had a reason. He knew Alec sometimes hated himself, a feeling Jace knew all too well, but he didn't realize just how hard Alec could be on himself.

"I was cutting myself when you knocked on the door."

"Alec."

"You saved me. I don't know how far I would have gone if you hadn't needed me."

"Alec. Why didn't you tell me? I-" he would have what? He would have not gone to Alec when he needed him, thinking he had his own shit to deal with. That was why Alec hadn't told him, that and the fact that like him Alec didn't want people fussing over him.

"I know what you would have done. You wouldn't have talked to me about anything, not that you do anyway. But few times you let me help you wouldn't have."

Shit Alec knew him too well.

"But-but what about you? Let me see?"  
Alec nodded and slowly pulled up his sleeve. There were a few cuts there, really not more than scratches but the fact that he he done this to himself...  
"These are new."  
"I don't cut deep, there barely bleed, they'll be gone in two weeks." even though he had willingly shown Jace his cuts he still felt like he needed to prove that it really wasn't that bad.

"Still, you can't just-agh!" he let out a small scream of frustration.  
Alec knew what Jace meant, he had felt that way about Jace many times, including right now. Silently he pulled his sleeve up farther, the deep cut was up high, even in his weakest most confused moment he had known that it needed to be up were short sleeves would cover it.

Jace gasped, it was almost deep enough to have been dangerous. There was the start of another one next to it and a few smaller ones, but they must have been bigger then the new scratches to still be visible all the time later.

"Were you trying to...?" Jace trailed off. Had Alec, the boy that had never shown weakness as far as Jace could tell really tried to kill himself?

"I don't know. I just wanted to numb the pain...I'm just not good enough, I mean you're so strong, and I can't take getting made fun of? There's clearly something wrong with me!"

"Me? Strong? Alec! I just told you I'll die if she dies! You found me almost bleeding to death! I'm here because someone called your mom the first time I almost bled to death!" he laughed darkly. "You're so much stronger than I am, its funny."

"Jace! If i'd been through what you have I'd be dead by now! Some moron says some crap and I'm cutting!"

"Alec your only problem is that you don't trust yourself, there's nothing wrong with you!"

"Well then I'm trusting myself now, and what I know for a fact is that I'm a poor excuse for a human next to you."

"But without you I'd be dead! So if you're weak I'm weaker."

"And without you I might be dead too. I don't know how far I would have gone that night Jace." there was more to it then just work, when he got home he heard Robert talking to one of his friends, about how gays had no right to live. Jace didn't need to know that just now though.

"How about this, we're both messed up, and we need each other?"

"Agreed."

"So you won't leave me here?" Alec thought maybe he had gotten through to Jace, if so it was worth giving up part of his deepest darkest secret, in fact he felt better now too. He no longer hated Clary, now he found that he wanted her live for her own sake and not just Jace's.

"I'll try."

"Promise me if you think you'll something stupid you'll come to me first."

Jace nodded, "Same goes for you then."

…...

It was now 10:00 and they didn't know if Clary would make it through the night, Jace who was still suffering from shock had just woken up and demanded to see Clary, but he couldn't. They still wouldn't let him in.

He was alone again, holding a knife...he shouldn't. He had promised Alec he wouldn't. He had promised himself he wouldn't. But he was going numb from the pain of not knowing - whether it made sense or not that's just the way it was. He need to feel something, he made a cut, then another deeper one, and another, they weren't as deep as when he had slit his wrist but they were bad. He watched the blood flow, wondering how much blood he could loss before he got light headed. They he remembered just how much Alec seemed to need him, and Max, what would his death do to the little boy?

He didn't think he needed stitches, but he needed something and he didn't know what, Alec would know though, Alec was good at first aid.

He knew everyone else was down in the kitchen, so he sent Alec a text.  
"Come here?"  
Alec knew what it meant as Jace had known he would. He came running.

"Jace! Oh my God! I'll be right back, I'm gonna get the stuff the clean you up. Give me that!" he grabbed the knife. He ran back in with a bunch of clean rags, cloth bandages and some disinfectant.

Jace didn't say anything while Alec cleaned and bandaged his wounds. Alec knew the disinfectant stung like hell but Jace didn't even flinch.  
"Thanks." Jace said dully when he was done.  
"Yep." was all Alec said, there was nothing to say, nothing to do but just sit here, not letting Jace be alone.

Jace wouldn't talk to anyone the rest of the night, the only time he would say anything was to ask to see Clary. Robert even came in and yelled at him for upseting his wife this much, apparently unaware that his yelling at her son, her baby, was only making things worse. Alec knew that at any moment Isabelle would come in and start yelling at their father for yelling at Jace and things would get very bad, Jace didn't need that. He he didn't need to be yelled at at all, what the hell was his dad thinking? My son feels like crap, he thinks he failed the girl loves, let's yell at him and make him think he's hurting more people, heck while he was at it he might as well just give Jace a big sharp knife, or how about a gun? He needed to do something. So he did, he did something he'd never done before, he stood up to his father.  
"Let him be dad. Sitting in your room not talking isn't a crime."  
Robert was shocked into silence. Was this really Alexander?

"He's upsetting your mother!"  
"He's hurting. Let him be." Alec's voice was even but deadly. There was no not obeying him.  
Even Jace - who was so lost in his own mind at this point that all the yelling barely reached him - was impressed by Alec standing up for him like that."

"Nice." he said with what vaguely resembled his usual smirk.

Alec nodded, so this was why Jace and Izzy were always doing things like that, it felt good, only his way, unlike their way, actually worked, his dad had been shocked into silence. That had to be a first.

"Just don't do anything else to upset her, she doesn't deserve that."

"He didn't do anything." he grabbed his father's arm and dragged him out into the hallway.  
"Can't you see how hard he's fighting? He's barely hanging on to sanity. Don't push him. Leave him alone." This was so not him, but he needed to stand up for his brother, Jace was for once unable to take care of himself, so Alec didn't see that he had any other choice.

Once Robert left Alec slumped against the wall for a moment. Then he went back to Jace. He didn't try to talk to him, he almost wondered if Jace could hear him, but he must have been able to because he glanced at him as he sat down next to him, and gave a small nod of thanks, it wasn't much but it was all he could manage.

AN; Demonandstrigoihuntingprince ss's idea was for Clary to die while Jace was in the room. Also for Jace Jace to have a breakdown, so I kinda used both.  
Review for a sneak peek!  
I'm gonna update as soon as I can but on the 11th I'll be starting a new job so I might only to able to update a few times a month. :'(


	16. Make a Move

**AN: Okay, thanks to my Beta HassleCastle to keeping this was being horrible. :) You should all go read her story. It's really good. **

**Songs for this **

**Songs for this chapter:**

**Make a Move by Icon for Hire**

**Jace's song is Blood in the Tears by Demon Hunter**

**Clary's song is Fight by Icon for Hire**

"Alec go."  
"I don't think so."  
"I. Need. To. Be. Alone." Jace managed one word at a time. He felt like he was falling apart. All he wanted was to curl up in a ball and disappear, and since disappearing was outside even his skills that left the curling into a ball part... Not something he wanted Alec to see. He still had some pride left; in fact pride might well be the only thing he still had.

"Are there any more knives? I'll search the room if I have to."  
"There's one is the night stand, one under the bed and a razor in the top dresser draw." At least this way Alec would leave sooner.  
Alec nodded and quickly gathered the objects Jace had mentioned. "I'll be in my room if you need anything."

Once Alec was gone Jace curled up in a small ball and pulled the covers over his head, trying to block out the world; trying to block out the voices in his head telling him that it was all his fault; that he was weak; that he was the worst person in the he deserved to die. That he should die before he hurt anyone else.

He remembered Clary asking him how he went on. He remembered telling her that you just did; that if you didn't you were letting the bad people win. She had promised not to let the bad people win. But they almost had. They still might. He knew it was easy to break those promises you made to yourself about not letting them win, but she'd promised him she'd try. She had trusted him the night before. She'd even gotten into bed with him. It just didn't add up that she would do this. What had made her say she couldn't trust him? It could have been nothing, just fear. But there was something else, something awful enough to make her do this. There had to be something; something he was missing; something important.

He got out of bed, ignoring the rush of dizziness that almost knocked him over. He must have lost more blood then he thought. Not that it mattered. He could have been at death's door and he still would have managed to get to Clary's room.

He stood in the doorway for a moment, trying to make himself go to the place she had tried to take her own life. Really she had more then tried. She had ended her life, if only for a moment.

He saw the bed, still covered in blood - her blood. The knife was there too, on the floor, blood covered. He felt like he might pass out. But he couldn't. Everything he saw so far was what he knew already. There was something else here though; something he didn't know yet; something he needed to know; something that had caused this. He knew the fear that had made her think she couldn't trust him hadn't done this; hadn't pushed her this far. She was too strong for that. There was her phone. He picked it up and turned it on. There was nothing there at first; nothing already on screen to give him a clue; but the phone was the only thing in the room that might hold some sort of clue and he knew there was something here. He could feel it.

He checked her text messages first. He felt guilty about it but he tried to tell himself she would do the same thing for him.

Nothing.

Then he checked the voice mail.

"I'm coming back. I'll find you; and the others too. Their not safe either. Tell anyone and I'll hurt them worse than you can imagine. No one can stop me from getting what I want my darling, and I want you."

Jace felt sick. He was weak from blood loss, his mind was clouded with fear and hatred. But he needed to focus. He used everything he had learned from karate about focus. It wasn't his strong point; not by a long shot; not unless he really needed it. Alec could focus on command. It was the one part of karate that he was the best at. But Jace could focus only when he needed to; when lives depended on it. That was now.

"Mom we have to get back to the hospital! Now!"

"Jace they still won't let you in and I have to go pick up Jon and Luke from the train station."

"Listen." he handed her the phone. Now that he had something to do he was strangely calm. If he lost it now he wouldn't be any good to anyone (If he had something like this all the time, something he needed to do to keep people safe, maybe he would be more stable; more able to act okay; less likely to ask for help. Not that he wanted bad things to happen more often; not that; never that. He just wanted to stop the bad things that did happen. Maybe someday he could.) Right now, though, all that mattered was that Clary was in danger.

"What-?" Maryse started to asked.

"Just listen to the message.

She did.

"I'm going. Now! There's no time to waste."

She thought for a moment. No mother wants to send their children into danger, but she had to do something. She could go to the hospital and have Alec and Jace get Jon and Luke. But she realized that Valentine could just as easily have been waiting at the train station. He had after all threatened the people Clary cared about. Also she knew all three of her children were capable fighters. Clary had been too though... (Her mind was racing. It took her a matter of about three seconds to process all of this.) But Clary had been alone. Jace however might be able to take him on alone right now, based on his air of calm focus and the pure rage and love she knew was hiding underneath. She still couldn't send him alone.

"Take Alec and Isabelle and go."

"Take one of them with you, in case he's there." Jace was thinking the same thing she had.

"No, I could take Valentine when we were in school. I can take him now." So what if he had always been a bit better than her? She had always been the one who could come closest to beating him...

"Take Robert."

"I can't leave Max!" she thought for a moment, she could leave him with a neighbor but Clary and Max had become close. Max had a way of making people feel better, and she was proud of him, right now though it complicated things. If people Clary cared about were in danger Max might be one of them. She wouldn't put it past him to hurt a child simply because he could; simply because he would think they wouldn't be expecting it. He had after all raped his own little girl. She couldn't trust that he wouldn't go after Max.

"Take him with you. Valentine's the best. I better face facts. It's gonna take two of us to take him. If he's there one if you keep Max safe and the other two fight. Understand?"

Jace nodded already running to get his brothers and sister. Alec and Isabelle were ready in a minute. Max however was hard to wake up. He was still half asleep when Jace plopped him in the back seat of Alec's car. He didn't trust himself to drive and he certainly didn't trust Izzy's driving.

Maryse paused next to the car, Robert following close behind.

"Be careful, don't do anything foolish." The second part was directed mostly at Jace and Isabelle.

Then she looked at Jace, she knew he was taking the responsibility of the others' safety on his own shoulders and in a way it made her feel better. He would protect them at all cost. That was alsowhat scared her. She looked him in the eye.

"Keep them safe. But your safety matters just as much to me as theirs' does. Remember that."

"Thanks." Jace whispered. He was getting impatient though. They were wasting time!

"Max be good. Listen to Jace. Do whatever he tells you. Alec and Isabelle too." she added.

The little boy nodded, still half asleep and utterly confused as to what was going on.

The three was them were talking about plans. What to do; where to go; if they should call the cops, or just tell the hospital security. Alec called the cops as he was driving. He was the most able to calmly explain things in a way that might make sense.

Jace and Isabelle kept talking about plans.

Finally Max couldn't take it anymore! He started poking Izzy from where he sat next to her.

"What?" she snapped.

"Fine then, I'll asked Jace." he turned to Jace.

"What happened? What are we doing? Is Clary in trouble? Will she be all right? Will we be alright?"

Jace looked at the little boy.

"A bad person wants to hurt her some more. But we're gonna stop him. She's gonna be fine and so are we." he hoped he wasn't lying.

They pulled up to the hospital. Jace and Izzy ran up the front desk to try to explain the danger while Alec and Max waited by the door for the police. Everyone had to hear the message; everyone kept talking, wasting time! He could be up there right now.

Jace tried to point this out. He tried several times but no one wanted to listen to him. He knew they were all thinking he was just a kid who didn't know what he was talking about, especially the hospital workers who knew about his break down earlier that day when Clary's heart had stopped. They pitied him, but didn't take him seriously.

After the fourth time of trying to point out that they were wasting time he looked desperately at Alec.

"Keep them not looking at me." he whispered.

Alec nodded and pulled Max closer to his side, showing that he would look after the little boy.

And with that Jace was gone, racing off to the ICU; not really knowing where to go but knowing that he had to get there fast. He paused in a hallway; he heard a group of nurses talking.

He heard the words "the girl in room 300", "police" "Over reacting boyfriend." but he wasn't overreacting. He would have stopped to ask how they would feel if they had been in the room with the person they loved when that person's heart stopped beating, and now that person was in danger again and everyone just wanted to waste time talking. But there was no time. He took off again running, slowing when he saw people, not wanting to draw attention to himself, needing to seem as if he belonged here.

He found the room. When he entered he thought he was in time. Then saw him sitting in a chair in the corner by her bedside, whispering to her, stroking her hair.

Clary was in a comma but she could hear, just as Jace had known she could. When she heard his voice her body didn't know how to react. Did it retreat further into the comma to protect itself? Or did it let her regain consciousness? Apparently unable to decide she was now half conscious, fully aware of what was going on, completely unable to do a thing about it. She couldn't even call out.

"My darling, daddy's here. Did you think you could escape me in death? It would have been nice wouldn't it? That silly boy, saving you. He only made things worse; so much worse. He will pay though, don't worry I'll make sure of that. They'll all pay, even Jonathan. You're so weak. You can't live like this. I won't let you." he pulled off her oxygen mask and ripped the IV's out of her arm, making her bleed again. He didn't touch the other things she was hooked up to though, those would set off an alarm he knew, and he couldn't have that. Without the oxygen and IV's she wouldn't last long. He wanted to be there when she died. He couldn't let her die alone. That would be heartless.

This was when Jace walked in, as Clary's life was once again slipping away.

"Good bye Clary." He heard Valentine whisper.

"She's not going anywhere." his voice was deathly calm, and Valentine felt a chill of fear roll through him, if only for a second. He stood. This boy, the one that had cause him so much trouble, he would be fun to break.

Jace took a step back.

"Not here. Not in front of her."

Clary somehow found the strength to open her eyes and turn her head. She saw Jace standing there, his golden eyes shining with hatred but also with love. He looked like a vengeful angel. She felt her life sliding away. But no; she needed to talk to him again, to feel his arms around her, to feel his lips on hers. She had to hold on. She had to hold on for Jace.

"Hold on fighter." Jace said with a quick glance at her. It was like he had read her mind, and maybe he had. Either way his words gave her a new strength. She would make it. She had to make it.

"Here. Now." Valentine replied taking a step toward him. Then he attacked.

He lunged at Jace so quickly he barely had time to get out of the way. Jace was used to being the best. He had never been this out matched in a fight. He wasn't quite sure what to do. He used the momentum he gained from dogging out of the way to spin around and aim a kick at Valentines legs. He had hoped to knock his legs out from under him; he wasn't as fast as he should have been though, he was still light headed from blood loss and he almost knocked himself over with sudden rush of dizziness he had just brought on. He saw Valentine reaching toward his belt, doubtlessly for a knife. If he got the knife Jace was done for. Ignoring the dizziness Jace kicked out at his hand knocking it away from the knife. They kept on like this for what seemed like hours to Jace. he could see Clary, staring at them in horror, her life fading as they fought.

"Please hold on" he managed to call in her direction. He thought she tried to give him a reassuring smile but he wasn't sure.

She was unable to move, stuck in a bed, bleeding to death; again. Watching the man she loved fight a losing battle to save her. The odd thing was she believed he had a chance. But he was hurt and it wasn't a fair fight by a long shot. She wanted nothing more than to get up and help him She even tried, but she was unable to even lift her head.

. About half way through Izzy came in.

"Get the mask back on her. Stop the bleeding. Get her help."

Valentine then maneuvered the fight so that they were blocking the door. Izzy couldn't get out to get Clary help.

"Almost done. Just stop the bleeding."

There was a moment where Jace had the upper hand, he was about the go in for the kill when he remembered Clary's words: "Don't kill him." he had said he wouldn't. He was better than that. He had to be better than that or he wouldn't be good enough for her. It took all he had not to kill him. Valentine laughed and redoubled his efforts.

Jace was losing now, but he had to keep fighting. If he lost not only would Clary die but most likely Izzy too; not to mention his own life would surely end. But that didn't matter much. If he had been fighting for his own life he would have lost. But he wasn't, and that give him strength he hadn't known he had. Yet he was still losing

Then Alec was there and not a second too soon. If he had waited any longer it would have been too late. Everyone else, cops and security guards raced after him. But they were far enough away that Alec was the one who ended the fight. He snuck up behind and delivered a blow to the back of Valentine's head that rendered him unconscious.

Then everyone else was there.

Alec had grown tired of waiting for them to form a plan. He had pointed out that Jace and Isabelle were gone. That had only started more talking. Alec hated talking! They were running out of time. In a fit of boldness utterly uncharacteristic to him, he shoved Max at one of the officers.

"Keep him safe. I'm helping my brother and sister if you won't."

Someone had said what room Clary was in and Alec had found it no problem.

That took them to now. Valentine knocked out cold on the floor and Clary was barely alive. Izzy was using sheets to stop the bleeding and talking softly to her, trying to keep her awake. Doctors were now rushing towards her, pushing Izzy out of the way. The police hauled Valentine away and Clary was rushed to the operating room yet again. That was the last thing Jace remembered before everything went dark.

AN: How bad was the fight seen? I'm really bad at writing fights...lol I actually never tried it till now... so how was it? How could it be better? Reviews get sneak peeks!


	17. Fight

**AN: As usual thank you to my amazing beta for putting up with my stupidity.**

Clary's song is Fight by Icon for Hire. I quoted the song within the chapter...I know it's a little random but I couldn't figure out how to say any better than that quote does and anything less seemed lame. You'll see what i mean...maybe...or maybe I'm just crazy. XP  
Thank you guys so much for all the reviews! 16 for the last chapter! That is by far the most I've ever gotten on a chapter. 3

He heard noise. As he tried to focus, the noise slowly turned into voices.  
"Blood loss," "Trauma "Concussion".  
He wondered what they were talking about, it didn't matter. All that mattered was he needed to sleep.

But there was something, something that mattered more than sleep, someone that mattered more than sleep. Clary. His eyes snapped open.  
"Clary." he mumbled, then louder, "Clary."  
Maryse was at his side.  
"Jace, sweetie, you're a hero."  
"Is she okay?"  
"They don't know yet."  
"Then I'm not a hero."

"Jace you held Valentine off for over five minutes. You were weak with blood loss." she sighed knew she'd have to to do something about that later, he couldn't keep doing this to himself, but right now she was just glad he was alive.  
"I don't know if I would have been able to do what you did."  
"I almost lost. If not for Alec I would have"  
It was true. He had been too busy blocking Valantine's strikes, to get in any of his own. Yet the fact that he was even alive after fighting one of the best in the world, and in such a weakened state was more than Maryse could have hoped for. She was glad he was alive! Why couldn't he just accept how amazing he was?  
"If you hadn't gotten there when you did it would have been too late."  
"Anyone would have done the same."  
He truly believed that. He believed that anyone would have risked their life in a fight they had no chance of winning to save someone unable to save themselves. Not just because it was Clary. He would do anything for Clary. But it was more than that. He would have done this for a complete stranger. It didn't make him a hero. It was just what he did. What everyone did - in his world anyway. If he didn't he was no better than Valentine; if he didn't he was like his own father, something he lived in fear of.  
"No sweetie. They wouldn't. Most people don't think like you do. If they did the world would be so much safer."  
Jace didn't really believe it, but he was too tired to argue. His eyes started to close.  
"Wake me up if she needs me."  
Maryes nodded. "Of course. Just rest."  
He was already asleep.  
Jon was pacing back and forth in the small waiting room. Simon - who had come with him and Luke - was alternating between pacing and sitting in one of the hard plastic chairs, right across from the door.  
Luke sat quietly. He didn't tell the boys to sit down. He could barely stay still himself. But he had a feeling that if someone didn't set a calm example they would completely lose it. Jon especially, though Simon wasn't much better.

A nurse came in and informed them that Clary's heart had stopped again. They had revived her and now she was almost stable, but not by any means safe.  
When Jon heard this he swore and punched the wall, hard. He left a dent in the wall. He pulled his hand back for another punch.  
In a flash Luke was on top of him. Pulling him back.  
"Stop. Think. Destroying the building and your hand isn't gonna help her. She's going to need you to be sane when she regains consciousness."  
Jon didn't really care about sanity right now. He just needed to punch things...But he knew Luke was right. And he realized the few other people in the waiting room were staring at him.  
"Sorry." he mumbled.  
"No worries. Just chill." he glanced over at Simon who had collapsed into a chair.  
"Both of you. She's going to make it. She's stronger than she looks." he remembered her telling the other kids in his class that when she was about 5. They had made fun of her for being so small. But she was right- she was stronger then she looked and she was always the best in the class.

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Clary was unaware of where she was and what was happening. She heard voices - some of them in her head some of them real. She heard Valentine's voice mocking her; telling her she was too weak to live. Then she heard Jace. "You can do it fighter." she was drifting away again though. She could feel herself leaving her body. She was glad. She wanted to see her mom again.

Then she saw her, as if through a fog.  
"Mom!" she called out and began moving toward her.  
"No baby. Stay there."  
"But I want to be with you."  
"I know, sweetie. I know. Buts it's not time yet. You can't let him win Clary."  
"That's what Jace said...but I already failed. I broke my promise...how am I here? Am I already dead?"

"Not quite. This is a dream honey."  
"Then you're not really here?"  
"I'm here."  
"Is Jace okay?"  
" He'll be fine. He needs you to pull through. Will you?"  
"I'll try."  
"If you really try then you will. Enough talking now. Save your strength. You'll need it. I love you Clary. No matter what anyone says or does, you're worth more than you'll ever know, don't forget that."  
"I love you too mom."

Then she heard the whisperings again, this time though she tried to hear only Jace's voice. "Please hold on." she tried. She found herself fighting for her life. She had tried dying:that had been all she'd wanted. It had been easy to die. But getting away from death - living - that was hard. She could do it though. She was a fighter. Jace said so. Jace had to be right. He had to be. This was just another fight like the karate competitions she'd entered before. She was the best- she had to win. She always won. No. Not always. Everyone lost sometimes. She remembered the first time she lost, when she was 5. He had yelled at her. Made her feel like nothing. Told her she would never be good enough. That was the first time he said something like that to her, maybe he was right. Maybe she was better off dead. Then once again she heard Jace's voice, "I need you to make me whole again too." That had been the best day of her life, sure she'd had two breakdowns that day and gone to counseling, but the good parts had more than made up for it. And it showed that Jace loved her even when she was breaking. Not just when she was able to act like she was okay. He would help her. Hold her. Put her back together. Love her. Make her feel like she was good enough to be loved. But he didn't know the whole story. There was still that thing, the thing that made her run from him in the training room. He would still love her though right? She tried to think about it logically -if one can think logically when one is in a coma, fighting for one's life.

If he was going to run he would have run before. One more demon in her past wouldn't scare him off right? Maybe it would though. Maybe-. Enough. She cut her mental rambling off. Her mother wouldn't have told her Jace needed her if he didn't. If he was just going to run when he found out the truth. She was going get back to Jace, he wouldn't let her die once she found her way back to him. He wouldn't leave her alone. The problem was finding her way back. But she made up her mind right then that she was going to make it. Find her way back. No matter what.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xx  
"Standing on the edge, Am I better off dead? How could I forget that I'm better than this? I've come too far to fade tonight. Fight! Hold me tight.  
I survived on life support. But I'm stronger then I give myself credit for. These conditions only cure when we prepare ourselves for war. - Fight by Icon For Hire  
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Jon was pacing again. Simon had collapsed in his chair- he was praying, frantically begging God to save Clary.  
When the nurse walked in the two boys and Luke tensed.  
"She's stable."  
Jon felt himself going weak with relief. He barely made it to the nearest chair before collapsing.  
Simon closed his eyes and said a quick prayer of thanks.  
Luke breathed a sigh of relief. He felt like it was his own daughter whose life was in danger. He couldn't comprehend how Valentine could do this, he tried to kill his own flesh and blood. He knew he wouldn't be able to hurt her if his life depended on it. Yet the man who really was her father was able to do this to her without a second thought. He would have liked to be there to see Jace beat up Valentine. On second thought he would have liked to have given Jace some help. Now that Clary was stable he was able to think clearly. He realized he should go talk to Jace. he remembered Maryse saying the boy was unconscious. At the time he had been too worried about Clary to even really realize that Jace had endangered his own life to save her. He found out where Jace was and told the boys where he was going.  
"Jace!" Jon exclaimed. He had also forgotten about the boy who had saved his sister, but he felt terrible for forgetting him. He and Simon both wanted to go with Luke to see Jace but Luke told them to stay in case there was any news about Clary, they could go see Jace in a little while.  
Maryse was waiting for him just outside the door of Jace's room.  
"How's Clary?"  
"Stable, Jace?"  
"He just needs rest but he wakes up every 5 minutes either screaming her name or asking to see her. Maybe once he knows she's stable he'll be able to sleep."  
Luke nodded. "Can I talk to him? I need to thank him."  
"He's sleeping, but wait two minutes and he'll be up again."  
"He's a brave one. Does he realize how unlikely it is that an 18 year old defeated Valentine?"  
She sighed. "No. He said it was Alec. I even pointed out that I might not have been able to hold Valentine off that long but he doesn't believe me." Then she cringed as Jace's scream filled the air.  
"I should go calm him down before you talk to him. If he knew you heard him scream..."  
Luke just nodded.  
"Jace. It's okay sweetie."  
He blinked, he had been watching Valentine sitting by Clary's bed, unable to do a thing about it. Watching as she bled to death. There was nothing he could do about it. He was unable to even take a step toward her. It would have been nice to wake up to find that it was a dream. But it wasn't. Not completely. Not enough of it.  
"Can I see her yet?"  
"No but she's stable."  
"Don't just tell me what you think I need to hear."  
"I'm not. Luke wants to talk to you, okay? He'll tell you the same thing I did. She's stable."  
"Fine." He didn't want anyone seeing him like this but he needed to talk to someone who wouldn't fuss over him, who would tell him what was really going on.  
"Hey." Luke said as he entered the room and sat down in the chair next to his bed.  
"How is she?" His mind was still fuzzy, but all he cared about was Clary. He was so tired- by all rights he should be in a sort of coma. All the doctors were amazed by how well he doing. He just couldn't afford to be unconscious. He needed to be up the second he could see Clary.  
"Stable, finally."  
"Will she- will she be okay?"  
"Physically? Probably."  
Jace nodded- a sharp pain filled his head as he did so. He knew she was going to be a mess emotionally. He needed to be there when she woke up. But then...what if she didn't want to see him? This had all started when she ran away from him...maybe she didn't want to be...whatever it was that they were?  
"Jace? Jace?" Luke called his name several times before he responded.  
Jace struggled to pull himself out of his own mind.  
"Yeah?"  
"I just-I just wanted to thank you for saving her."  
"It wasn't me! How many times do I have to say it? I only did what I had to do. Tell me you wouldn't have done the same."  
"Of course I would have. But I'm more evenly matched with to him. When I was 18? I don't know that I would have."  
"Not even for the girl you loved?"  
Jocelyn...of course he would have. But he had been such a coward back then. Maybe he wouldn't have. If her life depended on it though he would have.  
"Perhaps."  
"You would have. When someone's in danger, don't you just need to help them? Whether you know them or not?"  
"If everyone was a little more like you the world be a better place."  
"Or a little less sane."  
Luke smiled. "Sanity is overrated."  
Jace was clearly fighting to keep his eyes open.  
"Thank you. For saving her and taking such good care her. A few nights ago, I talked to her on the phone and she seemed happier than she had in a long time. She's going to need you when she wakes up." he gently patted Jace's hand and left.  
It took Jace a few minutes to fall back asleep, despite how tired he was.  
Luke was like a father to Clary. A good father. It was sometimes hard to remind himself that not all fathers were like his. Or Clary's. He had sworn to himself he would never get married, never have kids. He had reason to believe his father had abused his mother. He knew how he had treated him. There was too much risk of him turning out like that. He just couldn't risk hurting people like that. But...Clary. He knew they were young, they had just met and they were both broken, but he wanted- no needed- to spend his life with her. He didn't care that it didn't make sense. He did however care that it might end up hurting her more. But cutting her out of his life wouldn't work either. He figured he'd just have to take it slowly like he'd promised her he would and go from there. Finally unable to stay awake any longer he let himself drift off to sleep again.

****

So what did you think? Let me know. Honestly if there's ANYTHING at all that you don't like about it let me know. The only thing I love more then review telling me how much you loved it is reviews telling me how I can make it better.

Reviews get a sneak peek! 


	18. Life, Scars, Apologies

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AN: Sorry it's been so long! :P This chapter is almost 6 pages long though so maybe that kind of makes up for it? I know not really, but I can pretend right?

Song for the chapter is Life ,Scars, Apologies by since October. So I don't own the chapter name.  
Here's a quote from the song. It's perfect for this chapter! If you haven't heard this song yet I highly suggest looking it up. :)

"There's a part of me that's coming undone  
When tragedy cuts too deep, the scars that it leaves  
Will remind me  
That love can be found in between the seams  
Of life, scars, apologies"

  
When Jace heard that Jon, Luke and Simon had gotten to see Clary he sat up and jumped out of bed. He would have fallen on the ground if Alec hadn't caught him.  
"Jace, you're in the hospital too if you haven't noticed."  
"I have noticed funnily enough. See there's all these hot nurses that come in all the time to check on me. We don't have those at home." he responded.  
Before, when he'd been talking to Luke and Maryse he'd been barely conscious and had been way too open about basically everything. Now he was back to himself. well kind of. The boy who didn't ever date a girl for more than two weeks and never thought of her again afterwards, was so focused on a tiny little redhead that he was out of bed despite his injuries..He was somewhat able to walk...only not really.  
"Get back in bed now."  
"Help me get to her room. If you don't I'll make it there myself. You know I will."  
Alec knew. But he also knew that Jace would either get caught by a nurse or hurt worse than he already was.  
"This is what we're going to do, you are going to get in bed and stay there while I get permission to take you to Clary's room. If I can't get it, I'll help you sneak down there." he knew that if he didn't add the last part chances were Jace would try to go to her while he was getting permission.  
"Thanks."  
"What are brothers for?" Alec asked with a shrug as if hearing Jace thank him wasn't something that made him feel like he might not be a total waste of a life after all.  
It was nearly impossible to convince them that Jace needed to see Clary. But he did it. He came back to Jace's room pushing a wheelchair.  
"Mission accomplished."  
"I'm so not riding in that thing."  
"You so don't have a choice."  
Alec knew Jace too well to fall for this fake calm. He also noticed that the other boy was breathing hard, as if he'd been running or something, not laying in bed. He was on the verge of a flat out panic attack.  
"Chill Jace. She's fine."  
"Maybe."  
"She is."  
"Physically." Jace wasn't sure he should say that out loud but he knew Alec could read his mind at times like this anyway. They were closer than brothers, closer than best friends, Jace was pretty sure if one of them died the other would know. It was kind of creepy. But it was also kind of nice.  
"She'll make it."  
Jace fought his way back to a sitting position and once again tried to stand.  
"Oh no you don't." Alec said hurrying to help him.  
Once Jace was in the chair his breathing was even harder.  
"Lets go."  
"Not yet. If anyone sees you like this they're forcing you back to bed and you know it."  
"Alec!"  
"Jace, it's for your own good."  
"Maybe I don't care about my own good." he grumbled.  
"And that would be the problem. Now stop arguing and start taking deep breaths."  
Jace glared at him.  
"The sooner you do as you're told the sooner we can go."  
Jace rolled his eyes but he knew Alec was right.  
A few minutes later they were on their way to Clary's room.  
Jace realized he was having a panic attack or something. He really didn't know what to say. He didn't even know if she was awake yet or not. He would have asked Alec but he doubted his ability to speak without totally losing it.  
"We're here. You want to go in alone or you want me to push you in?"  
"Alone."  
"I'll wait right here. Just call if you need me."  
Jace nodded and gripped the wheels, but he just sat there. As much as he wanted -needed- to see her, he was terrified.  
Alec didn't say anything he just reached out and lay a hand on Jace's shoulder for a moment. When he moved his hand Jace pushed off on the wheels and slowly went in.  
She was hooked up to so many machines she hardly looked human. He froze for a moment, then he pushed himself to the side of her bed. He wanted to say something but he didn't know what so he just sat there, watching her breath, needing to see for himself that she was alive.  
After awhile -he had no clue how long- he slowly reached out and took her hand. She flinched away from him but he didn't let go.  
"It's just me. I won't hurt you. I promise." At the sound of his voice she relaxed.  
"Clary." his voice was weak as if he was near tears.  
She was fighting to wake up she needed to talk to him. Or at least look at him. It took every bit of willpower she had to open her eyes.  
"Clary, don't leave me. Please. Tell me you won't leave me. Tell me I'm not alone."  
"Jace." she forced her lips to form his name. "…failed you."  
His heart felt like it was shattering. "No, no you didn't. Oh Clary, don't ever say that."  
She could hear the love in his voice but she wondered if he'd still love her when he realized that she was scarred for life- In more ways than one.  
"Don't leave me." he pleaded again, needing her to answer.  
"…scarred." she managed to say. Talking was a struggle; it was a fight to force out each word. She weakly lifted her arm to show what she meant.  
Jaked froze for a second then lifted his sleeve. "We match now." he held his arm next to hers'.  
"It means we were meant to be."  
She just looked at him.  
"…love… you."  
"I love you more." he pushed as close to bed as he could and placed a kiss on her forehead.  
"Stay.. with… me?"  
"They won't let me stay long. But I'll stay as long as I can and then I'll come back as soon as I can okay?"  
She wanted nothing more than for him to hold her; to snuggle against him as she had the other night when she had had a nightmare. But she couldn't bring herself to ask him to. Even if she had asked hough, it would not have changed the fact that she was still too fragile to be moved, and Jace wasn't even really able to get out of his wheelchair. So they just sat there, holding hands taking comfort in each other's presence.

Just as she was about to slip into sleep the memories attacked. Her eyes glazed over and it was clear she was no longer seeing Jace's loving, worried face but some horror only she could see. She whimpered and began to shake. Jace called to her and gently stroked her face and arms but she didn't respond. If anything it only made things worse.  
"Alec!" in a flash Alec was there. One look at Clary and he pushed the button that called a nurse.  
"She'll be fine. I'll give her some sleeping meds and when she wakes up. she'll be better", consoled the nurse on her arrival.

"But what caused it?" Alec asked since Jace was unable to speak.  
"Have you heard of post traumatic stress disorder?"  
Alec nodded. "That's what soldiers have when they come back from war right?"  
"Yes but not only soldiers get it. After what she's been through it's not surprising that she's showing signs of PTSD."  
"Will it go away?" Jace asked abruptly.  
"Sometimes it does, sometimes not."  
Jace hopped for Clary's sake that she wouldn't have to live with this for the rest of her life. However if she did he would be there for her as long she would let him.  
The next day Jace was able to get up and walk to Clary's room. Alec was there in case he needed help but Jace made it most of the way there without help.  
Clary had been moved out of the ICU to a normal room, much to everyone's relief.  
Jon was just leaving her room when Jace got there.  
"Good luck. She won't talk to me. She wouldn't talk to Simon or Luke either. But the nurse said she was talking earlier, and she talked to you yesterday?"  
Jace nodded.  
"Like he deserves to even be in the same room as her? If he hadn't left her alone when she needed him she'd be fine." Simon fumed as he came out of Clary's room.  
Jace lunged at him and Simon did the same clearly forgetting that Jace could rip his head off. Jon grabbed Simon and Alec did the same to Jace.  
"Jace. THINK!" Alec hissed in his ear, just as Jon shouted. "Simon ARE YOU NUTS? He's hurt already and he saved her at least three times!"  
"I might be hurt but I could still kill him!" Jace spluttered.  
Jon was bigger than Simon but he was still struggling slightly to keep him from rushing at Jace. Alec who was as tall as Jace but slighter was also struggling, Jace could have broken free if he wasn't weakened, even now he might have been able to but he didn't want to risk hurting Alec. Simon was a piece of scum but he wasn't worth hurting Alec.  
"Jace?" came a barely audible whisper. "Jace no!" They froze.  
"Go." Jon said looking pleadingly at Jace. "If she'll talk to you- go."  
Alec released him and he rushed in faster then he should have been able too. She was thrashing about in her sleep. She looked so small in the white room, she was almost as pale as the sheets and the only real spot of color in the room was her hair -and her scars...which were almost as red.  
"Clary." his voice was soft but firm. "Clary, it's okay."  
He tried to think of something, anything he could do for her. The doctor had said there was really nothing they could give her, when they gave her sleeping meds she still had dreams. He needed to wake her up.  
"Clary." he put his hand on her shoulder. "Clary it's just me. You're safe. I need to you to wake up. Please. For me?"  
Slowly she opened her eyes. She was shaking. He sat on the edge of the bed.  
"Can I hold you?" he would have just scooped her up and never let her go but he knew doing anything without asking was a bad idea. She nodded. Ever so carefully, so as not to cause her any pain or upset any of the wires she was still hooked up to, he pulled her into his arms. He leaned against the wall panting slightly, but he did a fair job of hiding how much pain he really was in.  
"Breath baby girl, deep breaths." he could feel her heart pounding. But at least it was beating. She did as he said, head on his chest, just over his heart. She found the sound calming.  
"Jon said you wouldn't talk to them."  
"Talking. Is. Hard."  
Jace wasn't quite sure what she meant- physically hard or something else?  
"Shhhh, then just listen and nod or shake your head if that easier, okay?"  
She nodded.  
"Clary, you know I'm here right? I'm not leaving you."  
But he might. If she told him the rest of her past he might. If she told him what she heard one of the doctors say she'd probably have to deal with PTSD for a really long time...  
"Clary, you know that right?" he repeated. "No matter what. I'm not going to leave unless you want me to. Do you want me to?"  
She shook her head frantically.  
"Shhhhh." he stroked her hair calmingly. "Good."  
"Now what do you mean talking is hard? Like Physically? Or...?" he paused trying to think of a way phrase it as a simple yes or no question.  
"Feels..like.. I'm.. gonna.. lose.. it." she slowly forced out one word at a time.  
He nodded. He remembered that feeling. He didn't think he'd ever had it this bad but he knew what she meant any way. Her hold on reality was so weak right now that it seemed like anything could shatter it.  
"He… tried... to... kill… me."  
He held her tighter, still being careful not to hurt her but tight enough to make her feel safe.  
"I know baby. It took everything I had not to kill him."  
She looked at him but didn't say anything. He had a fairly good idea what she was thinking anyway.  
"You want him dead. But you think that makes you a bad person." It wasn't a question, but she nodded anyway.  
"How. do. you. know?"  
He closed his eyes for a moment and gently leaned his head against her's.  
"Experience."  
"How do you deal with it? How do you forgive him?"  
Her voice was still soft as if she was afraid to speak any louder, but her words weren't quite so broken apart. He kept stroking her hair and making calming sounds. After a few minutes he tried to answer her.  
"He's a nasty piece of filth. Nothing he says matters. And forgiveness? Clary you're a better person than I am. Maybe you'll find a way." he placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. "Then you can teach me okay?"  
She finally forced herself to look at him again.  
"What if I can't?"  
"We'll figure it out together."  
"Jace you're hurt."  
As hard as the Lightwoods tried he was always surprised when someone showed they cared about him. Nothing, nothing had ever made him feel as loved as this little girl, in the hospital, still fighting for her own life, yet worrying about him. It took him a moment to get to the point where he could answer her.  
"I'm fine."  
"He hurt you."  
"Clary don't worry. I'm fine. I promise. You need to rest now."  
She wanted argue, but she was just too tired. Jace could tell she was exhausted. She was so pale she was almost the color of paper. He sat there holding her for another few minutes.  
"What do you think you're doing?" a nurse snapped at him.  
"Holding my-" he faltered he been about to say girlfriend but he didn't know if she would comfortable with that.  
"Girlfriend?" Clary suggested weakly, sounding very unsure.  
"Girlfriend." Jace confirmed placing another soft kiss on her forehead.  
When he turned his head to look at her the nurse completely changed her tune. Most females did.  
"I'm so sorry sweetie but I'm going to have to ask you to leave."  
She noticed that his eyes were shining with tears he was refusing to let fall.  
"If you need some cheering up I get off at 6:00."  
Clary's pale face went paler if that was possible. The nurse was tall, nearly 5 foot 6 while she was barley over 5 feet. The other girl was older than her, and had long perfectly straight blond hair and lovely if cold blue eyes. Most importantly she wasn't scarred. She could wear short skirts and bathing suits without worrying about what people could see. She looked like the kind of girl a guy like Jace should be dating. Clary was right- two months ago this was the kind of girl he would have gone for. Not anymore. She was too tall to be held the way he had been holding Clary a moment ago. Her hair was too perfect and her eyes were so cold! She had none of Clary's warmth, none of Clary's ability to make him feel whole.  
"Maybe you're deaf but I said I have a girlfriend. Slut."  
He turned to Clary. "I'll be back as soon as I can, okay my love?" he said partly for the sake of ticking the nurse off more.  
"Love you." Clary breathed.  
"Be strong fighter." he brought her hand to his lips held it there for a moment before letting her go and leaving.  
He wasn't surprised when the nurse followed him out.  
"I don't think you understand what you're dealing with."  
"A first class slut?"  
She ignored him. "You do know she's mentally unstable right? Word is she's going be sent to the mental hospital. You don't want a girlfriend in the mental hospital do you?"  
"Here's the thing. I_ love_ her. You might not get that but it means no matter what I'm not leaving her and certainly not for a whore like you."  
Now she was mad. "But she has PTSD! She's never going to be normal! You really want to keep dating a freak like that?"  
"If you're normal, I want nothing to do with normal." he glanced over at Alec who was standing off to the side waiting to help him back to his room.  
"Help me get away from the whore._ Please_?"  
Alec nodded and stood at Jace's side, so he could lean on him like a crutch.  
"Oh and by the way? I don't care what she has, I'm not leaving her._** Ever**_. Got it?"  
Clary had heard the whole thing. She felt a weak smile on her face when she heard him say he would never leave her. She fell asleep almost happy, still smiling. Jace wasn't going to leave her. Not ever.

**So what do you think? What was you favorite and least favorite part and why? Review for a sneak peek!**


	19. Lonely was a safer place

**AN: This chapter is brought you courtesy of my car needing work and me having time to write well I waited for it. :P lol**

I stole the Chapter name from my favorite Thousand Foot song Learn to Breath. (Now no one can sue me)

Isabelle's theme song is Softer To Me by Relient K. I think it's also my theme song. :) lol  
"Life could you be a little softer to me?  
Life could you be more gentle to me?  
Yeah I know this is a selfish plea,  
Because Christ sacrificed his flesh  
On the cross for me  
But this world is hard,  
It's cruel and I wish it could be...  
Softer to me"

Simon's song is Lean On Me by Manafest. If you listen to it you might start crying...or maybe that's just me.  
"You can LEAN ON ME when your feelings ain't strong,  
You can LEAN ON ME when you go through the storm  
You can LEAN ON ME when you're feeling alone  
LEAN ON ME, LEAN ON ME"

Oh DJRESHRESH has awesome taste in music! XD

"Yeah you know what? We don't care."

"I understand but I have my orders. Your name is in the list so you can go in. But he can't."

Max was on the verge tears. Isabelle slipped an arm around the little boy and pulled him closer.  
"Because they won't put anyone on the list if they're under 12!" she was getting frustrated, so much so that she was forgetting to flirt with the guard.

"I'll see what I can do. Wait here."

She nodded. She would have gone in while he was off "seeing what he could do" but there were two guards each outside Jace and Clary's rooms. She understood why but it was still a pain in the neck as far as she was concerned.

She turned to the second guard, he was younger, cuter... maybe she could get him to let them in.

"Hey-." she began.  
"You can't take him in there. I'm really sorry."

But this guy was younger and friendlier looking. He kind of reminded Max of his big brothers. The other guy had been too scary to talk to but now he decided to try standing up for himself.

"Is my brother okay? Is he alive? I need to see him. Maybe he needs me. Maybe he's depressed and he needs me!" Once he started talking he couldn't stop, his voice was shaking with suppressed tears but he wouldn't cry. Jace never cried. He wanted to be strong like Jace but more than that he wanted Jace to hold him and tell him he was okay. He wanted Jace to pick him up and spin him around. To take him to the zoo, to help him drive Izzy insane. He just wanted his brother to be okay.

The guard looked taken aback. "Hang on."  
He pulled out a walkie-talkie and walked a little ways away from where Max and Izzy stood.

"Can we just go in now?"  
"No,wait."  
Normally Isabelle had no problem with breaking the rules, but he seemed to be trying to get Max in and she was honestly glad that Jace had good security. They were all worried someone might try to kill him for foiling Valentine's evil plan - foiling? What was she even thinking? Who said foiling? Anyway...she was trying to distract herself from thinking about how it was all her fault. She hadn't gone to see Jace yet. She wanted to but she didn't know what to say. She didn't even want to be here now. It was all Alec's fault. He seemed to think he was helping her. Max had been begging to see Jace and she was the only one who could take him right now. Their parents were busy talking to cops and lawyers crap like that, Alec was teaching a class, trying to keep Lightwood Institute from shutting down while Maryse was dealing with everything with Jace and Clary.. He and Izzy had agreed to try to keep things running as much as possible, but when Max had come in sobbing Alec made her take him here. She knew Alec knew she didn't want to come; she knew he knew why too. But he had refused to take Max; plus she didn't really have the patience to deal with little kids right now.

"You can go."  
Max pulled away from his sister and rushed in as fast as he could without running, he didn't want to give anyone a reason to kick him out now that he was finally in.  
Jace was lying down with his eyes closed but he wasn't really asleep. He had heard voices outside but he'd been too busy thinking about Clary to bother paying attention.  
Max froze he hadn't seen his brother like this before. When Jace had slit his wrist the second time Max had visited him in the hospital but then he had known Max was coming, been ready to put on an act for the little boys sake.  
"Jace?" It came out as squeak.  
Jace turned his head toward the door. When he saw Max standing there, his big eyes looking bigger than ever and not just because of his glasses he forced a smile, he wished someone had warned him Max was coming.  
"Max." Jace sat up, suppressing a groan as he did so.  
"Are you...okay?" the little boy's voice was shaking and Jace held his arms out to him.  
Max ran to his big brother and threw himself at him. It took everything Jace had to not show the pain Max caused him but it was worth it.  
"When are you coming home?"  
"Soon. Tomorrow or the next day."  
"Good. I'm hungry now." Max said as if it wasn't a totally random thing to say.  
"Go home and eat then." Jace laughed.  
"Not yet. I need to be with you first. If that's okay?" He asked hesitantly.  
"It's more than okay."  
"Good." Max was sitting next to Jace. He laid his head on Jace's shoulder and Jace wrapped an arm around him. After a few minutes of silence Jace realized the boy had fallen asleep. Then he noticed Isabelle, she was standing in the corner, looking like she wanted nothing more than to disappear.

Why did life have to be so hard? She wanted to run to Jace and hold on to him. She had been so afraid of losing her brother. But she couldn't. And really what right did she have to think her life was hard? Compared with Jace and Clary her life was a fricking picnic. Still it would be nice if life was... softer.

"Izz?" he called softly. "Earth to Izzy."

"What? Sorry I was just..." she trailed off, she was just what? Wishing she hadn't almost killed her brother and his girlfriend who was also kind of her friend, especially since they both been through so much already. She couldn't say that now could she?

"Izz? You know it's not your fault right?" he was being soft again and he knew it, but Izzy wasn't exactly herself right now either and seeing his sister in pain, blaming herself for something that wasn't her fault wasn't something he could deal with right now.  
"Whatever."  
"Come here."  
She took a few steps toward him.

"Come on, it's not like I'm going to eat you."

"I- I'm sorry. I shouldn't have left her."

"You had no way of knowing. She would have been fine if he hadn't called."

"Jace neither of us wants to talk about this."  
"I need you to know it's not your fault." he knew all about blame, but he couldn't let himself think like that now, he knew Isabelle was thinking along those lines already and both of them hating themselves right now wouldn't do either of them any good.  
She flipped her hair over her shoulder, "Whatever."  
"Fine. Just know I don't blame you and neither does Clary. So try not to blame yourself okay?"  
She lost it. "It's not that easy! If I had stayed with her you'd both still be at home, safe! I just..." she stopped not even sure what she was trying to say.  
"Come here." he repeated.  
She rushed towards him and he pulled her to him using the arm not wrapped around Max.

"I'm sorry." She sobbed into his shoulder.  
Once again he was determined not to show pain, Isabelle was more careful than Max had been, it still hurt though.  
"I'm sorry.  
Jace really didn't know what to do. He was in the hospital, his little brother was curled up sleeping in his lap and his sister was sobbing into his shoulder. This was not something he knew how to deal with. He had never comforted anyone, until Clary that is. But with Clary if he didn't know what to do he just kissed her. Having to use words made things so much harder!  
He held her for a moment.  
"Iz? Stop being sorry. If things hadn't happened the way they had they might have been worse. Valentine would have come back one way or another."  
"I know."  
"Then why are you crying?"  
"I..we..ummm...we thought you were going to die! I was so scared. I...I'm sorry. I shouldn't even be here! I really shouldn't be here crying. I just...  
"It's fine."  
"You shouldn't be comforting me!"  
"Everyone needs to be comforted sometimes. Remember the night you were scared of the dark?"  
She nodded.  
"That was a bad night for me too." Worse than most nights and back then that was really saying something. He had been thinking about death. Now when he thought about death there wasn't much chance of him trying anything, but back then he had been much less stable and anything little thing, even a random thought could be dangerous.

"But when I heard you crying...I knew what it felt like to be alone...I couldn't let someone else feel that if I could help it. The thing was by the time you were asleep, I didn't feel alone anymore either. That's what families do right? Take care of each other?"

"I don't need to be taken care of!" but she was clinging to him for dear life as she said it.

"I know. Neither do I. But it's still nice sometimes." He had always known Isabelle was capable of human emotions even though she never showed it. She was a lot like him that was probably why they fought so often. In truth - although Jace didn't know this - she also had trust issues. When she turned 13 Maryse had told her about Robert cheating on her before Max was born. She had told her to warn her not to trust men; it had worked too well. Isabelle couldn't trust people now even when she wanted to. If your own father could betray you (because that was what he had done in her eyes) anyone could. But right now she knew she could trust her brother, still he really shouldn't be taking care of her right now. He was right though, it was nice to have someone comforting you. She always had to pretend she was okay, and she was a good actor; so no one knew she needed comforting. Sometimes Jace could began to see through it but to show it would mean to show that he also had actual human emotions. And since he didn't even know what was bothering her - and asking could be hazardous to his health- knowing his sister he never brought it up.

"Okay I'm good now." she said as she pulled away.

"Good. Now let us never speak of this again."

"Agreed. But I mean...if- if you ever need to talk." Isabelle blurted out before she could rethink it.

"Same."

She wanted to talk, she wanted to tell him why she didn't trust anyone, but she couldn't. Instead she just let him hold her for another moment.

Jace could tell she wasn't going to say anything, so he just held her. But there was something bothering him.

"Why did Max randomly tell me he was hungry and why is he sleeping?"

Isabelle froze. Jace wasn't going to like the answer.  
"Well..."  
"Spit it out."  
"He hasn't been sleeping or eating..."  
"Why?" he knew but...he couldn't quite believe that he could matter that much to anyone.

"He was too worried about you. Well Clary too, but mostly you."  
"You should go see her."  
"I..."

"Look Izz if you want I can go with you but you need to see for yourself the she doesn't blame you."

"No. I'll go. You shouldn't be up unless you have to be and Max needs to sleep. "

She smiled at the little boy and brushed his hair away from his eyes. "Do you mind if I leave him with you?"  
"Of course not. He probably shouldn't see Clary just yet anyway."  
"Is she awake?"  
"She was earlier...but just go see her, you'll feel better."  
"Doubt it." she said with a toss of her head.  
Jace rolled his eyes; Izzy was back.  
"Just trust me."

She did. Jace and Alec were the only people in the world she would ever cry in front of, well maybe Simon...Simon? What? She must be losing it. Where were these thoughts even coming from? She didn't like Simon. He liked her, she didn't like him. She liked Jon, as much as she ever liked a guy anyway; meaning she thought he was cute and she wanted him to ask her out. But there was something about Simon...yeah, she was going nuts. There was no other explanation.  
"Isabelle."  
"Hmm?"  
"You zoned out again."  
"Oh yeah...sorry."  
"You need to chill."  
"Whatever."

"I'm starting to think that's all you can say. Now go."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

When she got to Clary's room she saw Simon just outside the door. Great, just what she needed. Maybe it could be good though, maybe she could remind herself what a geek he was.

"How is she? Simon? Simon!"

"What?" he snapped.

"Well sorry for bothering you."

"Oh Isabelle, sorry. It's just...she was having a panic attack or something. They kicked me out..."

"They seem to like doing that around here. It took forever to get Max in to see Jace."

They heard a scream, it was Clary.

Simon winced as if he could feel her pain. Isabelle felt a brick wall of guilt hit her full force. She leaned against the wall.

"Isabelle?" When she didn't respond he tried again. "Izzy?"

She looked at him, the concern on his face only made her feel worse, yet her stomach did a weird -non guilt related- flip when he called her Izzy, he had never called her that before.

"You look like you're about to pass out. What's wrong?"

"Ummm... Nothing?"

"Yeah and I'm Harry Potter." She was too worked up to remember to use this comment as proof that he was a geek.

"Its just...ummm...you know how you think it's all Jace's fault? Well...what if it wasn't. What if some else was supposed to be staying with her but when she told that someone to leave they were an idiot and did as she asked?"

"Why would that someone have done that?"

"Well I thought she was okay. I thought she just needed to be alone. Jace says she would have been if Valentine hadn't called... But I-" she stopped, appalled by the honesty of the words tumbling unbidden out of her mouth. She realized tears were running down her face and she violently swiped at them but more quickly replaced them.

"Come here." Simon pulled Isabelle toward him. He had wanted to get closer to her since the first time he saw her but that wasn't at all what he was thinking about right now. If it had been he would have been nervous but instead all he could think about was comforting her. She was usually so well put to together, it felt wrong to see her like this.

She began sobbing. She wished he would stop being nice to her. If he was yelling at her the way he had at Jace she would know what to do. As it was however she hadn't the faintest clue.  
"Just yell at me or something!"  
"Now why would I want to do that?"

"You were mad at Jace when you thought it was his fault. Now that you know whose fault it really is you should hate me instead."

"I wasn't mad. I was scared. I never really thought it was Jace's fault. I just... needed someone to blame; someone to beat up preferably. Since Valentine is out of reach...Jace was convenient."

"He is fun to yell at." Isabelle admitted through her tears.

"Exactly. But no one blames you."  
"Thanks."  
"For what?"  
"Not hating me." she mumbled.

"I could never hate you." he probably shouldn't be saying things like that to her -no matter how true they were- she was way out of his league.  
She didn't seem to mind though. She flung herself at him almost knocking him over.  
"Thank you." she breathed again.  
He didn't say anything. He was too busy kissing her.

...

"Better? Jace asked when Isabelle came back a little while later.

"Much." she had seen Clary. The first and only thing Clary had said to her was "Not...you're...fault..."

That wasn't why she felt better though. It was part of it but nowhere near all of it. Simon had asked her if she wanted to "hang out" after hospital visiting hours were over and they got kicked out.

She wondered what Jace would say if she told him, probably nothing good. Either way it's not like she could tell him anyway. That would mean admitting to herself that this meant something to her, and that was not something she was currently capable of doing.

****

AN: So I know some of you wanted more Simon. Happy? And more is on it's way. And what did you think of Max? I love him so much FJLKDJS:LKGJ:LKJG He's just soooo cute! XD Any way if I get 20 reviews on this chapter I'll do my best to have the next one up with in the week. And you'll get a sneak peek...so what do you have to loss?


	20. Broken Heart

**AN: Sorry I didn't update last week like I said I would. :P But this was going to be chapter I made it one long one so it took longer than planned.**

Songs for this chapter are Broken heart by falling up and yours to hold by Skillet.

Jace reminded himself that he needed to stay calm as he walked into Clary's room two days later. He had gone home late the day before, but he had no intention of staying there. He needed to be with Clary. He was scared to enter the room though, he always was. He was terrified that she wouldn't be there, that something might have happened to her.

This time though she was sitting up. He was relieved to see she was awake and appeared to be somewhat aware of what was going on. Not like the times she was too lost in whatever terrors her mind made her watch over and over to even notice he was there.

"Clary?" his voice was gentle, he didn't want to startle her.

She kept staring straight ahead as if she didn't hear him but he thought her eyes flicked toward him for a split second.

"How's my beautiful girl today?"

She still didn't respond, he began to worry.

"Clary?" he asked again, coming closer and sitting on the edge of the bed.

"I'm breaking up with you." she said still staring straight ahead, face expressionless.

It took a moment for him to process what she had said. Then a wave of cold fear overtook him. She did not just say that. There was no way she had said that.

"Clary are you okay?"

"No. That's why we need to break up."

"But...w-why?" he wanted to shout 'I need you!' but this wasn't about him. Never mind being mutuare wasn't going to work, "I need you." his voice was a weak whisper. She didn't need him start yelling. He needed to keep himself under control as much as he could. That was the least he could do.

"No you don't. You need a girl you can hug and kiss without worrying that she's going to have a break down! You need a girl who won't be like this for the rest of forever!"

"You won't be. And if you are? I don't care."

"Jace. Don't make this harder. There's things you don't know. Things I'm not able to talk about...I can't do this. I love you...I'll never love anyone like I've loved you. And I'll always be able to know that someone loved me once even when I was like this. But I can't ask you take care of me. I can't let you waste your time with me." her voice was so calm it was scary.

"Clary-"  
"Jace please don't. Just go."  
"But I-"  
"Please." her voice was pleading and Jace was so desperate to do anything he could for her that he couldn't protest. He left.

He barely made it to the hallway before sinking to the ground. He didn't know what to do. He needed her. He thought she needed him too. She had said she did didn't she?

"Err...is there a reason you're sitting in hallway?"

Jace didn't respond.

Simon nudged him with his foot. "Hey, is Clary okay?" he was starting to panic.

"I don't know." Jace's voice was dull and lifeless.

"Are you okay?"

"Get lost."

"I take it that means no." Simon fought the urge to kick him didn't like Jace all that much but if he thought about it reasonably he knew the other boy had saved Clary so that was a good reason not to kick him -he still kind of wanted to though. There was also the fact the Simon was an abnormally good person. He didn't like seeing people upset...not even Jace.  
"You need anything?"

"Go check on Clary."

That scared Simon. If Clary was awake, if there wasn't a doctor in there with her why was Jace not with her? He went.

"Clary?" like Jace he softly called her name to warn her that he was there. She didn't turn to look at him. She didn't seem to hear him. She was just staring straight ahead, her face completely blank.

"Clary?" he had seen her like this before. Mostly after her father had cut her with a knife, he had never understood why she only got like that after being cut, not after being beaten. What he didn't know was that he had never cut her, she did that herself.

"Clary? Please talk to me. Please. Come on. Let me make it better." that was he had said when he needed to treat her injuries, any time she needed him but tried to shut him out. He meant it now more than ever, she was his best friend, she was like a sister, she had died. Twice. She had come back though and he wasn't about to let her leave him now.

"You can't."

"You want me to get Jace?" it killed him to ask, but he was willing to do anything for her. If Jace could make it better so be it. Her reaction was the last thing he expected.

"No!" She sounded frantic.

She didn't want to see Jace, Jace looked like he had collapsed out in the hallway, what the hell was going on?

"Clary?"

She didn't respond so he came right up to the bedside.

"Can I sit?"

She nodded.

He sat next to her, slipping his shoes off so he could sit along side her.

She gave him an odd look and he wondered if she might not like him being so close. Just as he was about to ask if she would rather he not be there she -with great effort- shifted and scooted closer so she could lean against him, the way she did when they spent the night together when one of them didn't want to be alone.

"Oh Simon." she whispered.  
"Hey now." he wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "It's gonna be fine."

She started sobbing. The tears she had been forcing back all day could no longer be restrained.

"No. It's not. It's not ever going to be fine. It hasn't been for so long. Sometimes... with you... I can pretend it's fine...but it's not."

He wanted to pull her into his arms and hold her the way he used to sometimes when her injuries were really bad. But she was so weak still. She was only able to sit because the bed was in a sitting position, she had hardly been able to move closer to him and she was still hooked up to a bunch of different machines. He was too scared to move her so he settled for wrapping his arms around her. He wasn't sure how she would react but it must have been the right call because she leaned into him and just let herself cry, not even trying to stop. Simon knew the best thing he could do for her was to just hold her till she could speak again and then coax her into talking.

She cried into his shoulder till she had no tears left.

"Okay spill."

"It's just everything..."

"Right. Not buying it. If that was it you would have let me get Jace."

"I..."

"Come on Clary. I've known you since we were what, six? I know you."

"I broke up with him."

"You what?"

"I broke up with him." the scary calm was creeping back onto her voice.

"What did he do?" Maybe he should have kicked him. If he had done anything to hurt Clary...

"He can't waste his life with me Simon. He needs a girlfriend who's not mentally unstable. He's been nothing but wonderful and I'm still unable to let him touch me most of the time!"

"Touch you?" he spluttered.

"I mean like hold my hand you perv." she quipped automatically, years of dealing with Simon taking over for a second.

Simon couldn't suppress a smile at this brief glimpse of the Clary he had grown up with. He just hoped they could bring her back for good, seeing her as this broken shell of a girl was heartbreaking.

"Do-do you love him?" he didn't want to hear the answer, although he was pretty sure he knew it anyway.

"Yes...but being with him would be selfish."

"Does he love you?"

"He says he does and he...well he acts like he does."

"But?"

"Well he...he's...perfect...he can have any girl. He deserves more. How could he love me? I don't get it." If her own father could think killing her was kinder than letting her live then maybe he was onto something. There was no way Jace could love her. And if he did? Well he would find someone else.

"You can't let him ruin your life Clary. If we were still at the institute, if Valentine was still out of the country, would you be pushing him away then?"

At the sound of her father's name she tensed. She felt a 'flashback' coming. She hid her face in Simons shoulder, trying to cling to what was real, the feel of his arms around her, the smell of his clothes. She knew he hadn't known that just his name would set her off. She hadn't even known, Jace would have known.

"Clary? Are you okay?" Simon asked.

Jace wouldn't be asking such a stupid question. Jace wouldn't expect her to talk right now. He would know what she was going through or at least have some vague idea. But she had sent him away. She would never feel his arms around her again. Never again curl up in his lap and feel perfectly safe. Simon was doing his best but it just wasn't the same.

"Jace?"

Isabelle had been coming to check on Clary...and to see Simon... She not been prepared to see her brother sitting in the hallway looking lost.

"Jace? What happened?" she offered him her hand and pulled him up. She lead him to an empty waiting room just down the hall.

"Is she okay?" Izzy demanded once he was sitting down.  
"I don't know."  
"What do you mean you don't know?"  
"I- well...umm..."  
"Are you okay?"  
"I need you're help Izz. She broke up with me. What do I do?"  
His voice was pleading and Izzy didn't know what to say.

"Tell me what happened." her voice was hesitant, she wasn't used to stuff like this.

Jace told her.

"She didn't mean it. I mean she did. But well...she's not exactly sane right now is she?"

"Don't say that." his voice had a dangerous edge to it.

"I just meant...she'll get better Jace. I know she will."

"But what do I do?"

She sighed. "Well" she looked around to make sure they couldn't be overheard. She could do this Jace had been so good to her the other day she had to do what she could for him now.  
"She's doing the same thing you do...I guess I've been known to do it do...but she's pushing away the person she needs most. She thinks she's protecting you. Just don't leave her."

Jace just stared at her.  
"Just go."  
"Fine. Just think about what I said."  
"Go."

When Jace didn't answer she looked him in the eye.  
"Jace promise me you'll be okay on your own. Otherwise I'm not leaving."

"I'll be fine. I'll see you at home."

She nodded.

When she was a little ways down the hall she pulled out her phone.

"Alec?"  
"What happened?"  
"I don't know. Jace is upset. Clary said she doesn't want to see him. I think he needs you. He's sitting in the waiting room. I told him to give her time...he seemed...like he needed you. I did what I could but..." she hated admitting that anyone could do anything she couldn't but if it was for the good of her family she didn't have any other choice.

"I'll be right there."

Simon wasn't sure if Clary even knew he was there...she didn't respond to anything he said. She knew though. His arms around her were the only thing keeping her from slipping farther into her mind. She knew if she did that she would never come back. It was tempting though. Jace had needed her. Now she had no one to live for. There was no one that truly needed her. Simon would miss her but he would move on. Same with Luke and Jon. Jace wouldn't have moved on. She didn't think he would have anyway. But it didn't matter. He was gone. She couldn't understand the fact that he still cared. That just because she told him not to care it didn't really change anything.

"Do you want me to leave?"  
Simon's words cut through the fog in the mind if only for a moment.  
"No!" she gasped.

"Shhhhh. I won't. I'm right here. It's okay. I'm right here."

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Jace? Jace!"

Alec had just come in to find Jace staring at his pocket knife.

"Maybe I should just not give it back this time." Alec muttered as he snatched it from Jace and slipped it into his pocket again.

"I didn't do anything Alec." Jace protested weakly as he watched Alec pocketing his knife.

"Yet."

"I wasn't going to."

"Either way you don't need to be alone right now."

"How did you know to come? Wait, did Izzy call you? That little traitor!"

"Not a traitor. A little sister who didn't know what else to do." Alec's voice was gentle but firm. "Plus do you really want her driving you home?"

"No. I'm not that suicidal. Did she tell you what happened?"

Alec nodded. "You've finally met a girl with enough sense to dump you." Alec had the worst sense of when it was okay to make a joke and when it most certainly was not okay. Jace was used to it by now though.

"Haha very funny." but maybe Alec was right maybe Clary would be better off without him. Maybe he should just go home. For now at least.

"What are you gonna do about it?"

Jace sighed, "Just take me home." He wasn't supposed to drive yet - due to the head injury he had sustained in the fight with Valentine- and Maryse had dropped him off here this morning - despite the fact that he thought he was perfectly capable of driving.

" You sure? Maybe if you talk to her again."

"Please Alec?"

Alec nodded. "Fine. But if you love her you won't give up this easily." as he said it he realized he was right, also he could be talking to himself as much as to Jace...he hadn't been texting Magnus back the past few days...he'd been too afraid of what his parents would think if they knew.

"Bring me back tomorrow?"

"Sure." Alec answered as he made up his mind to call Magnus once Jace was safe at home.

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Jon had been with Luke, talking to the police about Valentine. To say he was in a bad mood when he got back to the hospital was an understatement. When he found Clary in tears in Simon's arms he didn't feel any better.

"Oh Clary." he whispered. He hadn't really gotten to talk to her yet. Not when she was able to talk back anyway.

Simon got up and Jon took his place next to Clary.  
"I'll be in the hall." Simon muttered thinking he might want to talk to her alone.  
"Thanks."

When Simon came out into the hall he found Isabelle waiting for him. He had forgotten that she was going to meet him here!

"Sorry...I..."  
"It's fine. I was playing with my phone." She waved an iphone in a case so pink and sparkly it hurt you're eyes if you looked at it too long - she had peaked in, saw what was going on and decided not to bother them.

"So..." Simon mumbled.  
"Yeah..." Izzy responded.  
"Jon seems to want to spend some time with her...do you...ummm? Well would you like go..I don't know ….get something to eat?"

"Now?"

"Well I mean if you're busy..."

"Let's go." Izzy smiled.

Meanwhile:

"Clary. Why would you think you're bad for him? How could you be bad for anyone? You know what he told me? He said he couldn't hurt you if he wanted to. He said it would be like chopping off his own arm, and he meant it. Have you thought that maybe he needs you too?" Jon had no way of knowing how true his words were but that made them no less true.

"Jon stop. I don't need you or Simon or anyone else telling me what to do. It's my life." it didn't feel like her life. It felt like it was being controlled by Valentine. Even with him in jail for attempted murder it was still like everything she did was controlled by him.

"I just don't want you to get more hurt."

"It's a little late to worry about that."

"I...I... would stopped him if I could. If I could do something..."

"That's not what I meant. You've been amazing. I just..." it was strange, she was able to talk, to carry on a somewhat normal conversation, but she felt completely numb. When she was alone she was so overwhelmed with everything that she couldn't function. But with Jace she could let herself feel things she still got overwhelmed, but when she did he was there to help her through it. But she couldn't let him be there.

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The next two days every time Jace went to the hospital to talk to Clary she wouldn't talk to him. On the third day instead of asking Alec to drive him to the hospital he told Maryse he was ready to go back to teaching. He wasn't really supposed to but she knew changing his mind would be a daunting task and it would better for him then moping in his room would be.

He wasn't giving up but everytime he tried talking to her it only upset her more. He was just going to wait a day or two.

"Clary can you promise me you won't try anything like this again...please?"

"I...no Jon. I can't promise."

"Look they want...they want to send you to a rehab place...if you can't promise me you won't try this again we don't have any other choice."

"Fine. Send me away."

"Clary. Oh Clary. That's the last thing I want. But you can't come home. It's not safe."

"Is anywhere safe?" she asked bitterly. "The correct answer is no." she snapped when he didn't answer.

"Or you can go back to the Lightwoods." he said ignoring her.

"No I can't."

"Clary!" he said exasperated.

She flinched as he rose his voice.

"Sorry, sorry, I just..." he put his head in his head in his hands.

"I'm sorry." she whispered.

"No, you have nothing to be sorry for." he reached for her hand but she pulled away.

"Okay then. There no other option. Luke is going back tomorrow. I'm staying here till you get settled in...Simon wants to stay here with you. He's still trying to convince his mom but it looks like he'll be staying with the Lightwoods. You'll be able to have visitors for a few hours every day and on Saturdays you can go out in the afternoon, if someone is with you."

"How long?"

"Till you're better. Clary won't you just go to the Lightwoods?"

"No. And what if I don't get better." it wasn't really a question...she didn't think there was any way she could come back from this.

"You will. You're being transferred Monday. "

"I don't even know what day it is."

"It's Saturday."

"Okay."

"Clary...I wasn't supposed to tell you this...but I wanted you to have a choice...so ummm..."

She managed a weak smile, "I'll act surprised. Thanks for believing in me...at least one of us does..."

"You're going to be fine. And I'm not the only one who believes in you. The nerd is waiting for his turn to see you."

"He's not a nerd."

"Whatever you say. I'll go get the geek then." he said with a smirk.

As he walked out he wondered how he was going to cope when he had to leave her. He wished she would just go back to the Lightwoods...but it was her choice. He couldn't choose for her. But why did she have to make the wrong choice?****

AN: The next chapter will shock you. If anyone can guess what's coming you get to name the chapter. XD So get guessing! lol As always review for a sneak peek. :)


	21. PaperThin Hymn

**AN: **

**I don't own the chapter name. I'm not that creative.**

**Songs:**

**Lucy by Skillet**

**Believe by Skillet**

** PaperThin Hymn by Anberlin **

**and Get Well by Icon for Hire**

**All the songs go with story almost as if they were written for it Paper Thin hymn though you kinda have watch the music video to see why it's so perfect.**

**As always a huge thanks to Hassle Castle. :) I apologize if anything she edited got messed up...my computer hates me...like a lot...it decided that fixing highlighted mistakes is to uncool so I had to it on FF . net...which is hard and confousing because my computer wont show the full screen. :P**

**Anyway here you go! Chapter 21!**

_She walked into the building. She felt like she had done this a million times, it was just as bad every time._

_"Dad no. Please No." she heard herself beg._

_"Clarissa, what would people think?"_

_"I don't care! I won't be a murderer!"_

_"It's not murder. It's damage control."_

_'Mom! Help!' she screamed in her mind. But no help came._

_"What would mom think?" she asked desperately._

_"She understood business."_

_Since when was selling your daughter's innocence considered business?_

_"She would never have let you do this to me! Or my baby!"_

_"It's not a baby and it never will be."_

_"It is. And you can't do this."_

_But he could._

_She watched as her 15 year old self struggled and was dragged into the abortion clinic._

_"No! You can't listen to him! Don't kill my baby!" apparently it didn't matter what she wanted.__**  
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"Noooo!" she screamed.

She could hear people trying to wake her up but she couldn't.

Then she heard his voice.

"Clary. Clary, I need you to wake up now. Come on, you can do it. It's not real Clary. It's a dream. It's not real." his voice was calm but there was an almost but not quite hidden note of panic in it.

She opened her eyes forgetting that he wasn't supposed to be here; that had she come here to avoid him.

She had been here three days. In that time they had mostly let her sleep, she would be starting more therapy and stuff once she had a little more time to rest. She had had lots of nightmares in the those three days but this was by far the worst one.

"Clary?" he whispered when she opened her eyes.

"Why are you here?"

"I..." he didn't know. He had been on his way home from running errands for Maryse when he had felt an uncontrollable need to see her. Knowing she was likely to be asleep he had been planning on just peeking in, seeing she was alive and leaving. But when he heard her screaming...he couldn't help but go to her.

"You shouldn't be here."

"And yet here I am."

"Jace?" She sounded so vulnerable it hurt him.

"Yes?" He replied tracing soothing circles on her wrist, just below the bandages.

"Is it wrong that I want you? Even though I know I shouldn't?"

"No. No it's not!" He said vehemently. "And whatever it is you think you know it's not true. Clary...look, I don't want a "perfect" girl. Not the kind you think is perfect. Not the kind the world thinks is perfect. I want the only girl in the world who is perfect. And that's you."

"Jace." she whispered disbelievingly. "I'm not."

"You are to me."

"You're nuts."

"Maybe. But in this case I know what I'm talking about."

"I...can you stay awhile?"

He smiled. "Till they kick me out. You want to tell me what that dream was about?"

"Promise you won't be scared away?"

"Cross my heart and hope to die."

She closed her eyes and tried to gather her thoughts.

Jace waited, after awhile he began to worry.

"Clary?"

"What day is it?"

"Tuesday." why did it matter?  
"That's not what I meant."

"The second."

A pained look crossed her face. "Of October?" her voice shook.

He nodded slowly. What was going on?

"Oh!" she gasped.

"Clary? What's wrong?"

"Lucy." she whispered.

"Who?"

"He killed her."

"Who? Who did he kill angel?" his mind was racing, he should have killed the bastaered when he had the chance.

"She would be one today."

"He-he got you p-pregnent!"

She was shaking and Jace held his arms out to her. Without hesitation she began trying to pulled herself closer. He ever so carefully pulled her into his arms and kissed her forehead.

"Oh Jace I want my baby back!" she sobbed into his shoulder.

"Shhhh, I know. I know. Do you want to tell me what happened?"

"H-he told me he needed me to go to a business meeting with him. His "business" was apparently selling me for sex. I don't even know what he got out of the deal."

Jace was trying hard to hide his anger but it didn't seem to work.

"Oh Jace don't be mad at them. Not for that. As horrible as it was having Lucy made up for it. But then...he found out I was pregnant...and he killed her."

She hadn't known it was a girl not till just before she was murdered when they did the ultrasound before the abortion they told her it was a girl.

"As soon as they told me she was a girl I had to name her. She couldn't die without a name."

Jace felt his heart break for the millionth time.

"Lucy is a beautiful name." he whispered.

"Her full name Emily Lucia Fray. Those were mom's favorite names. But I like Lucy and since Lucy is short for Lucia..." she trailed off unable to go on.

He didn't know what to say so he just held her as she cried. He barely y even noticed that he was crying too. How could anyone do this to their own daughter? And kill their own granddaughter?

"Clary?" asked gently after a while. "I have a surprise for you. I'll be back in half an hour or so okay?"

He didn't want to leave her but he had come up with an idea and he had a feeling it might make her feel a bit better.

"What is it?"

"If I told you it wouldn't be a surprise now would it?" he asked letting a bit of arrogance creep into his voice.

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When he came back he didn't seem to have anything with him.

"Want to go outside for a little while?" he asked her.

"I...I don't even know if I'm allowed to..."

"I already asked."

"Fine I guess..." she muttered. It didn't really matter where she was anyway.

Jace started to help her into her hoodie but he stopped when he saw it was hurting her. It barely fit over the bandages on her arms and it rubbed painfully.

"Try this." he said slipping off his own hoodie and helping her into that instead.

"But what about you?" she protested.

"I'll be fine. It's not that cold out."

He lifted her from the bed to a wheelchair since she was still unable to walk very far and pushed her out to a little garden.

When they got there she gasped. There was a little table with two chairs in the middle of the garden and on the table sat a birthday cake. It had pink icing and said in yellow letters "Happy first Birthday". He had tied balloons to the chairs and it looked like he must have climbed one of the trees because there was a happy first birthday banner in the branches.

"Oh Jace." she began sobbing again.

"Clary?" Oh crap. Maybe this wasn't a good idea after all. He just thought that maybe having a birthday party for Lucy would help somehow, he had heard that honoring the memory of someone who had passed away helped their loved ones to cope but maybe this wasn't the right way to do it. "I'm sorry...I just thought-"

"Jace, this the most beautiful thing I've ever seen!"

After over a year of thinking she was the only one who cared about her beautiful Lucy this was the best thing Jace could have done for her. It showed that she wasn't the only one who cared; that someone else realized that Lucy was a real human being who had been murdered.

He picked her up and held her in his arms for a moment.

"Can I kiss you?"  
He wouldn't have asked, it sort of ruined the moment a little but after what the poor thing had been through he thought she might need a warning.

"I guess..." she answered hesitantly.

He slowly bent down and gently pressed his lips to hers.

She almost pulled away but when she felt his lips on hers she relaxed into the kiss, allowing herself to almost enjoy something for the first time in what felt like ages.

He gently lowered her onto a picnic blanket he had spread out in a patch of warm sunlight.

"Here." Jace handed her a yellow gift bag filled with pink tissue paper.

"What is it?"

"It's not like you could open it and find out now is it?" he teased raising an eyebrow.

"You're really bad at tissue paper." Clary noted as she pulled out bunched up wades of the stuff.

"I know right?" he was too relieved that she was back to being able to tease him to think of response.

"Oh!" she exclaimed as she pulled out a set of very expensive drawing pencils.

She had never had such nice ones before!

"You like them?"

"I love them."

"But?"

"But...?"

"But not as much as you love.." he promoted.

She actually laughed at that. "Not as much as I love you. You are a bit full of yourself though aren't you?

"Only because I'm too awesome not to be." he quipped. He knew this was an act. She wasn't nearly as okay as she was acting. But if she was as much like him as he thought her to be then she needed to put on the act right now and she needed him to fall for it - or at least play along. She could only take so much at a time. When she reached her limit she had to try to convince herself she was okay.

She wasn't very strong yet, she could couldn't sit up on her own for very long. So she was leaning against Jace, letting him run his fingers through her hair over and over.

"Clary?"

"Hhmm?"

"I need to ask you something."

"Okay..." she hesitated. "Fine."

"Why? Why did you do this to yourself?" he ran a finger over the bandages on her arm.  
"I thought you were doing better... I thought...why didn't you tell me? Why... Why would you leave me?" oops...that shouldn't have been said out loud, crap.

"Jace I..."

"Never mind." he felt like kicking himself, he was being selfish. This was about Clary, not him, he needed to help her with her problems not be thinking about his. But his own "abandonment issues" were getting in the way...he was afraid that if she killed herself it would be his fault...she would be trying to get away from him. A part of him knew how stupid he was being but another part of him never seemed to like logic overly much...or at all. Sometimes it was like there were two people in his mind the real him and the insane one and the insane one seemed to be winning one their seemingly endless fights at the moment. It wasn't that he was really insane, but right about now he felt like he was. All he knew was he couldn't let someone die because of him, not again.

"I thought...I...I was just trying to protect you." she forced herself to look at him and was startled at the pained look on his face.

"How?" His voice was even - too even as if he was fighting to keep it that way. "How in hell would loosing you protect me?"

"From-from him...if I was gone he wouldn't hurt you...he...and...I...couldn't hurt you either... Maybe I was right...maybe we should break up...maybe..."

"No." he struggled not raise his voice, the last thing he need right now was to scare her. "Cl-Clary..." shit he was about to completely break down. Why couldn't there just be one person who needed him? Really truly needed him?

"Jace...it's just...I-I need you..but I- can't...it's not fair to you!"

She needed him. Someone needed him.  
"Clary." he wrapped her in her arms. "We've been over this. I need you too. We need each other...that is if you really need me."

She didn't answer not with words. She just kissed him. It was the first time she had kissed him without him starting it, and it said everything she couldn't say with words.

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After that he came to see her every day. She lived for the few hours a day she got to spend with him. Jon went back to New York a few days latter but she didn't feel nearly as alone as she had thought she would. Simon came everyday too. She would first spend time with Simon then Jace.

So many of the other people there didn't get visitors. It was no wonder they didn't seem to be even trying to get well. Many of them only seemed to want to think about what they'd been through. Clary knew it was hard. She still had whole days where she couldn't think about anything else. But they didn't even seem to try. At first, once she was doing a little better she tried to get to know a few of the other girls there but it was as if they were refusing to move on. They almost pulled her into the dangerous trap of comparing misfortunes. To them the more you had been through the more important you were - but she didn't want that. She wanted to get well.

Jace was her light in the dark, guiding her out of her own mind into the real world. When he was there, she was sometimes even able to have fun. He would do the stupidest things just to get her to smile. And for a laugh he would do things so far beyond stupid that she couldn't help but give him what he was looking for.

For example one day she was having a really bad day, she could hardly say anything without bursting into tears. Jace was sitting with her letting her cry in his arms the way he always did when she was like this. He was desperately trying to think of something to cheer her up, when it came to him- the stupidest idea yet. It had to work.

"Clary? I'll be right back okay?"

He walked out into the hall hoping Simon was still there. To his great relief, he was. And better yet he was talking to Natalie another patient , who Clary was somewhat friends with.

"Hey you guys want to have a race?"

"A... what?" Simon asked confused.

"Yes." Natalie answered her eyes sparkling. She was always happy for a distraction from the reason she was here she was doing much better but Jace thought she would recover faster if she had someone to visit her on a regular basis. He and Simon had both started talking to her out of pity but she had quickly made it clear that she didn't want or need their pity. She did however want and need friends.

Natalie was 14 and had been in foster care since she was 8. Her older brother who had just turned 18 was the only person who ever came to see her. Now that he was 18 she was allowed to live with him and Jace had a feeling she would be much better off once she could go home. Her brother however was working hard to be able to take care of her, and normally had to work during visiting hours. They didn't know exactly why she was here. She didn't like to talk about it. But she was bipolar and must have tried to take her own life at least once; that's why all these kids were here.

Jace knew he would have gone here if the Lightwoods hadn't taken him in from here to a group home...only not really, he didn't think he would have made it to the group home.

He mentally shook himself and realized the little the girl was looking at him, her eyes full of concern.  
"You okay?"  
Jace just looked at her trying to figure out how long he had spaced out for.

"You were totally out of it for like 30 seconds."

"Yeah. I'm fine."

She looked at him knowingly but said nothing. She knew he had his own painful past. She could tell by the way he treated her, he didn't act like there was something wrong with her. Neither did Simon but there was something different about Jace. Plus he had these weird "black out moments" as she thought of them where he totally spaced out. It gave her hope though, if he could make it through whatever darkness his past held so could she.

"You want to come with me to get the stuff for the race?"

"Duh!" she responded.

"Stuff? What stuff?" Simon had a feeling this was going to be a bad idea. "Natalie does not need you getting her in to trouble."

"Whatever. If he doesn't get me in trouble I'm sure I'll end up in trouble somehow anyway." she answered airily making Jace bite back a smile. It was true. The girl was always getting in trouble for something or another. She meant well but her passion for having fun just didn't work in a place like this. Jace could tell how hard she worked to act so happy all the time, and he felt like he needed to help her as much as he could, especially since he seemed to be the only one who understood her at all. He tried to include her in his planes to cheer up Clary as often as he could.

"Where are we going?" she asked excitedly.

"To find a wheelchair of course."

"Why...? Oh! A wheel chair race!" she exclaimed jumping up and down with joy.

Jace had to smile at her excitement.

"Yep and don't worry. If we get caught I'll take the blame, okay?"

"If we do it on the ramp I doubt we'll get caught. No one is ever there this time of day...I go there...sometimes to cr-" she caught herself. "To be alone."

Jace wished there was something he could do for her. But then he realized that there was, and that he was doing it when she perked up again.

"I know where we can find a wheel chair."

She grabbed his hand and pulled him down the hall.

A few minutes later they were back to Clary's room pushing an empty wheelchair.

Clary was lying in bed with the covers pulled over her head crying. Simon was trying to coax her out to no avail.

"Hey geek. Get outta here for a minute."  
If looks could kill Jace, he would have died right then and there.

"Fine. Come on Nat we can wait in the hall. But if I were you I'd rethink being a part of his plan."

"No you wouldn't. If you were me you would do what I would do." she pointed out as she bounced out the door.

"The girl has a point. Now scram."

"Clary, I come bearing news of great fun."

"Not right now Jace, I just...I can't..." she was clearly fighting back another wave of tears.

"Care to talk about it?"

"Not partically. I did enough talking for one day."

They had been trying to get her talk about her childhood, which was bad enough. But it had also made her think of how Lucy would never a childhood.

"So you just want to sit here and cry all day?" He didn't mean to be harsh but he knew that if she didn't have someone to force her move on she might not be able to. That's what would have happened to him.

"Well...n-no...but..."

"Look Natalie is super excited about this..."

"What is it?"

He grinned, "Not telling."

"Give me a hint?" she asked starting to get interested.

"You'll have fun. That's the only hint you get. So if you want to find out what it is, you'll have to come with me."

Five minutes later they were in the hallway Natalie had mentioned. It was long and sloping like a ramp. There was just enough room for the two wheelchairs to safely go down side by side.

"This is nuts." Simon muttered. As he stood behind Natalie's chair ready to push her down the ramp. "You're both sure you know how to stop?"

"Yes!" they both answered.

"Chill Sie, this is gonna be great." Clary reassured him. He hadn't heard her this ready for excitement and mischief since they were about 12. Though he was still worried, he no longer had the heart to voice his worries out loud.

"On your marks… get set… GO!" Jace cried pushing Clary just before he said go.  
"Cheater!" Natalie squealed as Simon sent her racing down the hallway a split second latter.

"We won!" Clary laughed as Jace come running down the ramp to meet her.

"No fair! I call a redo!"

Slowly, the to sounds of the two girls laughter drew other people out if their rooms. Before long they had a whole crowd of people watching and cheering. Some of the other kids wanted to take a turn too so Natalie let them use the extra wheel chair and Clary sat on Jace's lap on a bench off to the side so they could use her's.

Eventually a few of the people who worked there came to see what was going on.

"Oh crap." Natalie said to Simon, nodding to where they were standing.

But to their surprise one of the young male nurses stepped forward laughing.

"Okay kids 10 more minutes, then we never speak of this again for fear of someone 'uncool' finding out."

They knew they should be scolding but this was not a nice place to be. The sound of laughter was rare and they all knew that fun and laughter was what these kids needed.

"Who's idea was this?" asked someone else.

All the kids looked around, no one wanting to squeal on the boy who brought them a little bit of fun.

"Mine." Jace said calmly.

"Can we speak to you when this is over?"

"I guess so."

15 minutes latter Clary was back in her room.

"What if you're not allowed to come back." she worried.

"Chill, everything is gonna be fine. I'll come back and say goodbye when I'm done getting yelled at."  
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"You wanted to yell at me?"

"No actually. We wanted to ask if you could come up with more things for them to do. We try to have actives but they all stay in their rooms...laughter is the best medicine but it's hard to get them to laugh while they're here."

"Boared games are not, I repeat, _not_ actives. The word bored is_ in_ the name. It's like they are _warning_ you about how boring they are!"

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"Hey beautiful. I didn't get kicked out. And you know those little square scooter things?"

"What?"

"Those little things with four wheels that you sit on? Usually thought to be for little kids?"

"Yeah...?"

"Well there will be a scooter race in the hallway day after tomorrow."

"Why?"

"Because they didn't want to yell at me. They wanted ideas for fun things to do."

"Really? They didn't kick you out?"

"Even if they had tried, it would have been pretty hard to keep me away from you."

"Jace? When I can leave...is it okay if I come back to your place?"

"I thought you'd never ask." he said kissing the top of her head.

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"Hey Max! Want to go to the park?" he called as pulled the door closed behind him.

"Yes!" came Max's excited voice from his bedroom.

"Okay just let me go grab my jacket."  
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Latter that night when he was trying to fall asleep Jace heard a knock on his bedroom door.

"Go away."

"Its me."

"Oh Sorry Alec. Come in."

"You took Max to the park today?"

"Yeah..."

"I take you must have been in a good mood."

"She asked if she could come back here once she can leave there."

"I thought that was the plan anyway?"

"Yeah, but she didn't know that."

"Jace? I need to ask you something."

"Then ask."

"How do I ask someone out?"

"You just ask."

"But I...I can't..."

"Why not?"

"Cuz I'm me."

"If he says no he's not worth it."

"But...what if...when he finds out about..." his hand flew to his upper arm where Jace knew his scars were.

"I have more than you do. Does it mean I'm not worthwhile?"

"No, but-"

"Enough buts. Call him."

"It's not that simple he asked me out and I said I wasn't sure...I was too sacred..."

"Call him."

Alec looked at him, his blue eyes huge with fear.

"You can do it."

Half an hour latter Jace heard another knock on the door.

"Yes?"

"He said yes! Jon is trying to keep the place running...Magnus stayed to help out...I'm going back next week to help too and we're going out to dinner." Alec was clearly torn between excitement and terror. Jace knew the feeling, that was how being with Clary made him feel, happy just to be near her but terrified that he would mess it up.

Jace raised an eyebrow. "See? I'm always right."

"Thing is...he...he doesn't want me keeping it secret...like he said we don't have to tell everyone but...well...I promised I'd tell mom and dad."

"You want me come with you?"

He took a deep breath, "No. I need to do this alone..."

"You sure you don't need anything" Jace asked looking concerned.

"I might need you to be here when I'm done...I...can you keep this for me?" he held out his pocket knife.

"You know, I don't think either of us should be allowed to carry these..." Jace said taking it from him.

"I may have to agree with you on that." Alec said as he turned to go face his parents.

"Alec?"

Alec turned to look at him once more.

"You're gonna be fine. Mom might be shocked...but she'll get over it and Robert...well whatever he says it doesn't really matter. You can handle it. You handled him quite nicely for me...thanks for that by the way."

Alec didn't say anything. If he didn't go now he knew he wouldn't be able to.

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Jace was worried. The yelling had stopped sometime ago...where was Alec?

He walked into the hallway to find Isabelle and Simon standing in the hallway looking stunned.

"I think dad just disowned Alec..." Isabelle said softly.

"Where is he?"

"In his room...he won't talk to me ...I was about to come get you."

Jace nodded. "Simon take Izzy somewhere that's not here." without waiting for a reply or even knocking he tried opening Alec's door. Locked.

"Alec. Alec you need to open this door right now. If you don't I will break it down."

"Alec! Do you hear me?" he banged on the door. Nothing. He heard a noise behind him and turned to find Maryse, tears running down her face.

"He won't open the door." Jace said coolly. He found himself blaming her for the pain he knew his brother was in. "I'm going to break it down."

"No." she said firmly.

"Look, just stand back."

"No." she repeated holding something out to him.

A key.

"Thanks." he said taking it.

"Let him know I love him no matter what. Robert does too he just...he'll calm down."

"Yeah whatever." Jace said unlocking the door and quickly closing and locking it behind himself.

Alec was lying on his bed staring blankly up at the ceiling.

"Hey." Jace said hesitantly. This was not something he was comfortable with. Alec was the strong one, the one who never complained, the one who just sat there and quietly took whatever came at him. Seeing him like this was hard, especially since he knew that hopeless look all too well.

"Alec?"

"He said...he said I should kill myself..."

"Alec." Jace felt an uncontrollable wave of anger. "No. He doesn't know what he's talking about." he would have gone and started screaming at Robert then and there, if he didn't doubt Alec's ability to safely be alone just then. Plus from the sound of it Isabelle had beaten him to it.

"He said...he said...'I don't care what you do, it's a free country. You could kill yourself for all I care." Alec's voice trembled even as he fought with everything he had to keep it even.

"Alec." Jace sighed. "Maryse said to tell you she loves you. No matter what." He wanted to say more to tell Alec he knew how it felt to have a parent hate you. But he couldn't, so he just say there.

"Maybe she does...but dad doesn't."

Alec's phone rang. They both ignored it.

Jace just sat there with him. Not letting him be alone, thinking about how many times Alec had done this for him.

The phone rang again, and again. The fourth time Jace picked it up and saw who it was.

"It's Magnus."

Alec looked for a moment as if he was about to say something, but he didn't.

"You should talk to him."

"I can't." he said his voice breaking.

"Yes you can." was all Jace said. He went back to sitting silently.

"Okay Alec...you have 15 missed calls, 4 messages and 13 texts...you can't ignore him forever. If you try your're phone might blow up."

"I can't talk to him right now."

"Just listen to one of the messages."

He would have been wary of playing them for Alec right now for fear Magnus was made about him not answering, but the newest text said. "Alexander please be okay. I love you." so Jace didn't think there was much danger of Magnus hurting Alec more.

"Put it on then."

"On speaker?"

Alec just shrugged.

"Alexander...what happened? Are you okay? You said you'd tell them right now and let me know how it went...I'm worried sick. Maybe you changed your mind...but don't think you're like that...I'm not gonna call again...but I'll be waiting for your call. Whatever happened Alexander...I'm here."

"You need to call him."

Alec nodded and numbly took the phone Jace held out to him. He just stared at it as if he had no clue how to use it.

Jace took it from him and pressed redial, handing it back as it began to ring.

Magnus answered right away.

"Alexander?"

"Magnus."

"I'll be in the hall." Jace whispered.

Alec nodded at Jace and said into the phone "It was...bad...he...he hates me."

As Jace closed the door he heard Alec say, "No. It was worth it"

Jace didn't know how long he paced the hallway for but it seemed like forever. Finally Alec's door opened and Alec came out looking slightly more put together.

"You okay?"

"I think so. Thanks."

Jace nodded.

Alec's phone buzzed and he looked at it and smiled.

'I love you.' the text message read.

"Yeah, I'm gonna be okay."

"Good. You know...I think we all are."

Okay now he was sounding like some lame tv show...

Isabelle must have heard their voices because she came rushing out of the room Simon was staying in and threw herself at Alec so hard she almost knocked him over.

"I yelled at him for you."

"Isabelle don't." he said wrapping his little sister in his arms and holding her tightly.

"Too late..."

"Izz." he sighed. "Thanks."

"Are you gonna be okay?" she asked despite herself.

"I'm going to be fine. Don't worry. If you want to worry about someone worry about Simon. If he spends the night with you...he may do well to remember who your brothers are."

Isabelle pretended to be offended, but she was really too relieved that both of her brothers seemed to be safe at the moment to mind their stupid over protectiveness_._

AN: What did you think? Anyone see that coming? I highly doubt it. The story is almost over (insert tears here) I know I said that before but I think it's really true this time. There will be maybe 5 more chapter? IDK I still have somethings to wrap up and a few more things that I can't tell you about ;) Any way what did you think of this chapter?

Review for a sneak peek. :)


	22. Chapter 22

I just posted an Alec/Magnus fic, set in the same "world" as this story. It's about once Alec goes to help Magnus at the institute. Just FYI. I'll try to have the next chapter up for this story within a week or so. I'm writing as fast as I can! :P


	23. My Life, My Nightmare

**AN: ****_PLEASE READ! I know its long I would skip it too, but please don't._**

**Hello darlings! Sorry for the wait. Okay I have few things to tell you. First of all I love you all and thank you so much for all your awesome support and not hating me****_ too_**** much for not updating faster. :P **

**Second someone who wasn't signed (and I there for couldn't reply) asked why I was starting anther story now when it will just make it take my "lazy" A word longer to update...SORRY! But Lazy? Please don't judge me when you don't know me (Oh! you don't know me is a manafest song!..sorry...I get ADD when I'm over tiered) I really hope you don't take offence for me putting this in my arthur's note...but please if you would like to insult me (which I truly have no problem with) sign in so I can respond. Other wise I do like this. I'm working full time and trying to figure out when and where I'm going to school (while still working full time). NOT LAZY...sorry...I'm being a bitch I know... this is just a really sore point for me right now being that my family ****_somehow_**** thinks I'm lazy... :/**

**Third and related to second The Perfection of Imperfection is PART of this story. I was just sick of Alec being over shadowed by Jace and felt like he needed a little more attention. I thought about just writing it as part of WMWIO but it would seem crowded and sloppy I think.**

**Lastly but most importantly HassleCastle my amazing beta did an amazing job as always. However she pointed out a few parts I needed to rewrite and I did the best I could with them, I think my grammar and spelling are okay in those parts but if not let me know. I may well have missed a few small things (or huge things...).**

_Songs for the chapter: _

_My Life by Manafest_

_Where are you? By Manafest_

_Fingernails by Skillet _

_(The first two fit perfectly and the Skillet song just matches the mood of the chapter) _

He sat perfectly still, staring at the door. As he watched the door opened. He stood and allowed the guard to lead him out to the prison yard. He felt the eyes of all the other prisoners on him. The filthy scum. He had been trying to do the right thing, put her out of her misery. They didn't see it like that.

It hurt him to move. He got beat up every time any of the prisoners got half a chance to do so. It wasn't as if he couldn't defend himself but he knew fighting back would only make it harder for his 'friends' to get him out of here.

The first day he had gone out to the yard he hadn't expected it to be like this. Another prisoner had come up and started talking to him. He must have known what Valentine had done although he didn't know it at the time. He started a conversation and asked Valentine if he had any children or anyone else waiting for him to get out. When Valentine said that he had a daughter the man had said that he had a daughter too. He pulled out a photo of his little girl to show him. Valentine didn't bother with pretending to care. If he ignored this scum maybe he'd realize that he wasn't like the other prison trash here and let him be.

Valentine didn't really know what the man had been saying but all of a sudden the man was saying, "I have something for your little girl." The next thing Valentine knew the man was on top of him.

This was how it went every time the guards weren't standing right there. They might be criminals, some of them were even murderers, but they had honor. They didn't tolerate people, who murdered the innocent and defenseless, or rapers and child molesters.

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Clary was exhausted but she was fighting to stay awake. Every time she fell asleep she had a nightmare. She didn't think she could take another one just yet. She hadn't really slept at all the night before and the hour or so of sleep she had gotten had been even worse than not sleeping.

After an hour or so of trying to act like she could function, she had been sent back to her room. She wasn't in any state for therapy today. Normally this wasn't something they would do. No one got out of the planned therapy and crap. But Clary was still very fragile from almost dying/actually dying repeatedly and therefore they made an exception.

She knew she needed to sleep but she couldn't. She was too scared.

She heard a soft knock on her door. She should have known who it was but she was half asleep and she freaked out thinking it was Valentine. As the door opened she made a small noise of utter terror before seeing it was only Jace.

"Clary." he whispered when he saw the state she was in. She was still supposed to be kept calm as much as possible and he was worried about her heart. They said she would be okay; that she needed to be kept relatively calm just as a percussion. They had said not worry about it too much but if she got too worked up she should be taken to the hospital, just to be safe. But how worked up was "too worked up"?

"Clary it's okay. It just me. Calm down. Everything's going to be just fine."

She just looked at him, her eyes huge in her pale face. She was much too pale. He felt his own heart speed up in fear.

"Jace." her voice was barely a whisper and she sounded out of breath. "It's not visiting hours yet."

"I know. I got a call saying you had the day off... I was worried."

"I'm fine." she lied.

"Right. Lets just see about that." he said gently as he carefully sat on the edge of the bed and took one of her small pale hands in his. He took her pulse and quickly tried to mask his growing panic.

"How do you feel?" he asked trying desperately to think what he should do. Was he panicking about nothing? He couldn't risk losing her. If it was nothing a and he looked foolish for worrying so be it. He couldn't take any chances with her.

"Wonderful." she said with a weak smile.

"Clary come on. I need a real answer here."

"Like shit."

"Clary please."

"Weak... I'm scared Jace. I don't want to die again" she said softly, her words running together in fear.

He closed his eyes for a moment. "Your fine baby. We just need to get your heart rate down. I need you to lie still and take deep breaths for me while I go find a nurse okay?"

"No!" she gasped trying to sit up. "Don't leave me!"

"Clary no! Lie down. I won't leave."  
He tried to think back to the advanced first aid classes Maryse had forced him to take.

Thank you mom! Now if only he had paid attention...He must have learned how to bring a heart rate down right? Think Jace think!

"Lay flat and breath." he whispered, stroking her beautiful red hair, praying franticly that she be okay. He didn't even know if he believed in God or not. But praying couldn't hurt. And if there was any chance of it helping he would take it.

"Let me go for help." he all but begged.

"No. Please don't leave me!" he couldn't do anything to change her mind and he couldn't risk upsetting her more. Even if he was right and it was just panic attack he still couldn't risk her getting more worked up. At this point he wasn't completely sure that a panic attack wouldn't be enough to kill her.

He was taking her pulse with one hand and soothingly stroking her hair with the other when there was another knock on the door.

"Come in, come in!" he said frantically, sending up a quick prayer of thanks hoping this was the answer to his prayer. Either way it was someone he could send for help. Maybe there was a God after all...he was sure he would end up thinking about that later -regardless of whether or not he wanted to- but now was not the time for that.

Natalie opened the door.  
"Hey... I just want-"  
"Go get help! Now." Jace interrupted.  
She saw the raw fear in his eyes and took off running.

"Jace." Clary whispered weakly. "Don't leave."  
"Never." he replied gently kissing her forehead.

A nurse came in and promptly called an ambulance. Then she said there wasn't really anything they could do but keep her calm till they arrived. The nurse had to leave the room since her presence only seemed to agitate Clary more. Natalie was standing in the corner, quiet for once. She didn't say anything, just stood there watching with big scared eyes. Jace didn't even know she was still in the room.

Finally the ambulance got there. They wouldn't let Jace go. Even though she screamed for him as they closed the doors they wouldn't let him go. He would have fought to go with her but he knew she had to get to the hospital as soon as possible and he couldn't waste even a moment arguing.

As they raced out of sight Jace whirled around and punched the brick wall, hard. He knew how to punch things without breaking his hand but it still started bleeding. Alec wasn't there to hold him back. Alec had left him. Clary had been taken away from him when she needed him. He didn't know what to do with himself. Some of the staff was trying to figure out what to do. They liked Jace. They didn't want to call the cops on him. And they knew he wouldn't hurt anyone. But he couldn't be allowed to go around here like this. upsetting the kids in their care. As they were talking no one noticed the little girl slip past them. She walked right up to Jace, who was now staring as if transfixed, at the blood trickling down his hand, where the bricks had scraped the skin off it as if transfixed.  
"Jace."  
He didn't look at her.  
"Jace." she repeated  
He still didn't seem to know she was there. She took a step in front of him. She could see the wild anger in his eyes. She shuddered remembering the last time she saw someone this angry. It had been part of why she ended up here.

"Jace, please." she whispered frantically. She wanted to run away but she couldn't just leave him out here. Not when he was like this. As much as he was scaring her right now she didn't think he would hurt her. He was more likely to hurt himself. She knew he was like her. She reminded herself of the times he seemed to black out for a moment only to come back and say something to make her laugh, clearly trying to cover up the "black out".

"Go away." he snapped at her. His words cut and stung like a whip.

"I don't think so." but her voice broke with fear and she flinched away.

Jace stared at her as if realizing for the first time who he was snapping at and what it was doing to her.

"Just let me be." he said in a soft hopeless voice.

"I don't think so." she repeated more firmly taking a step towards him.

"Please. You don't need this. Why would anyone want to be near me?"

"So you won't be alone." she knew what it felt like to be alone. She wanted him to be okay. He had helped her more than he would ever know and she only wanted to repay the debt.  
"Thanks."  
"No problem." she took his hand. "I'll take you to get your hand cleaned up. Then you can go to her."

"I want to go now."

"You're not driving like this." she said firmly, well aware that she would be unable to stop him if it came to that but more than ready to try anyway.

He only nodded and let her lead him away.  
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Twenty minutes later he was on the way to the hospital, wishing Izzy was a better driver but glad she drove fast. Natalie had taken his phone from him and called Isabelle to come pick him up.

"Thanks Izz." he said gruffly.  
"Duh." she replied with a small smile. "She's fine you know." she tried to reassure him. This wasn't her place, it was Alec's and she knew it. However she couldn't leave him alone just because she sucked at this stuff.

"Yeah...sure..." Jace mumbled.

"Jace...?" he didn't say anything but she felt him looking at her. "I'm sorry."

"Isabelle Lightwood!" he exclaimed in exasperation. "Get it through your pea brain! This is not your fault!"

"I just...if...I..." she stopped unsure what she was trying to say.

"Isabelle I know." his voice cracked. "I know."

"You know what?"  
He hesitated. "The guilt." he finally answered.

"How?" she realized maybe she shouldn't have said that. "I mean... Ummmm... You don't have to answer that."

He was three years old. He heard a scream like sound. It had sounded odd- strangled. Then silence. He was only three; he didn't have any idea what had happened but he knew it was bad. He ran to the basement where the sound had come from. He saw his mom- hanging from the ceiling. He remembered running to get his dad. He remembered seeing his father crying and screaming. He also remembered being slapped when he began to cry too There were sirens as the ambulance came rushing in much too late. He remembered his father blaming him and rightfully so. He remembered having had a temper tantrum the day before because he wanted an extra piece of candy. His fault. All his fault. If he had only been a better son...

"Jace!" he felt himself being shaken. He looked around. Apparently Isabelle had pulled over in a parking lot and was shaking him while desperately calling his name. Shit. This hadn't happened in forever. Not like this. She had never seen him zone out this bad before. Only Alec had.

"Izz." he said numbly.  
She looked relieved that he was responding. "What happened."  
"Memories." was all he could manage to get out.  
She understood what he meant though. It was her fault. Again. All she could ever do was make things worse.  
"I'm sorry." she whispered with tears in her eyes.

"It's not your fault."  
"Can you tell me what happened just now then." she snapped. But Jace knew she wasn't angry with him. She was furious with herself.

"I...I never told anyone...I- my workers knew...but they never told mom...they thought she wouldn't take me if she knew. They told me not to bring in up. I wouldn't have anyway but... they said you would send me away and then no one would ever take me again."

"Jace. Mom wouldn't do that. You know that. She loves you. You're one of us now...Jace, oh Jace." she hugged him tightly. Fighting back tears.

"Isabelle don't cry." he said needing her to understand that selfish as it was he couldn't deal with this right now.

"I won't." she said smiling bitterly. "But you should know I need you. You're my brother Jace. You can't send away family just cuz their screwed up." she looked at him "Who was it that told me everyone needs to be comforted sometimes?"

"A retard." he mumbled.

"Jace, look. I know I'm not Alec. I know he's better at this and I suck big time but whatever it is you can tell me."  
He looked at her for a moment then slowly he began to tell her about the worse day of his life.

When he finished she didn't say how sorry she was. She didn't cry, or pity him. She only gave him a quick hug and whispered.  
"Still not sending you away. And Jace? It wasn't your fault."

He laughed bitterly. "Thanks." then he told her something else. "I want to know what happened. I was so young. I remember what I told you like it was yesterday but there's got to be more. I need to know why. I just don't know how to find out."

"Did you ever ask the workers? Was there a note?" he knew she meant a suicide note.

"I don't know. They only ever told me they didn't know. I think by the time I was old enough to ask the right questions all the answers were lost."

"We can find them."

"How?"

"Research. I'll help if you'll let me."

"Have you ever researched anything in your life?" She hardly ever did her homework and when she did it normally ended up being whatever Jace told her to write.

"It never mattered before. Now it does. For school it's pointless. But I suppose I can do a bit of work for you. Heck who knows? For you, I might even do math!"

Jace had to smile slightly at that.

"Thanks."

She nodded. "Duh. Now are you ready to go see Clary?"

"Duh." he replied, imitating her. He was still worried to death about Clary but maybe with Izzy's help he might finally find out the truth of what had really happened when he was three. He needed to know. Maybe knowing the whole story would help him heal. He needed to get past this so he could better help Clary. He didn't want to be unstable any more. He needed the truth.

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**AN: I'll try to have the next chapter up within a week...I'll try my hardest. But I truly do write better and faster when I get reviews. I need inspiration! lol Plus you a sneak peen so it's win win right?**


	24. Chapter 24

**AN:  
So although isn't really a chapter its two poems about depression. I wrote them to help you understand what Jace and Clary and even Alec to a point are going through.**

Also this poem is dedicated to "Lilly" who reviewed as a guest. Your review touched me and made me cry. Thank you so much! You are strong, I can tell from your review. Hang in there. Your a fighter just like Jace and Clary. Honestly I was feeling really depressed when I got that review and knowing that in some small way I helped someone else who was struggling with the same sort of thing made me feel a million times better. Keep fighting. We can't let the "bad people" win.

If hope is a thing with feathers then this a thing with fangs.

A creäture of terror,  
That dwells in the dark,  
It feeds off my pain.

My fears,  
My tears,  
My blood.

When say I'm okay I need you to see that I'm not.

When was the last time I let you see my arms?  
That's where the monster feeds.  
The knife is his teeth.

Please help me.

Others are getting better,  
Why am I getting worse?  
I thought it was over.  
I thought this was done.  
Yet here it is.  
It's back again.  
I feel it eating at my soul.

I want to scream,  
I want to cry.  
I want to bleed.  
I want to die.

But I will survive.

There must be a reason behind all this pain.  
The sun always come behind the rain.  
You can't have me.  
You can't take my soul.

You might make me scream,

You might make me cry.

You might make me bleed.

You can't make me die.

I'm stronger than you.

Even when it doesn't feel true.

After the war I'll be stronger than before.

You might make me scream,

You might make me cry.

You might make me bleed.

But you can't make me die.

You might win the battles,

But I'll win the war.

****

A/N this one is less about anyone from the story and more about depression in general.

Cut of from the world,  
My friends don't understand.  
I want to laugh,  
I want to talk to talk,  
I want to live again!

I'm going through the motions.  
In case you didn't know.  
Can't you see the pain I'm in?

When it hurts this bad how does it not show?

I'm all alone,  
I'm bleeding.  
I'm waiting for some healing.

Help me.

Save me!

Please,  
Please,  
Please,  
Save me!

I need out,  
Death is a way out...  
The wrong way out...  
The weak way out...  
But I no longer feel strong.

Maybe I should...  
No one would care...

But one friend,  
One friend said she would.  
She it would cause other problems...

"And you don't want to make problems for me."  
I know she hurts too...  
I know she bleeds too...  
Has she thought of escaping like I do?

"What would I do?"  
"With that much depression?"  
"I might kill a kitten!"  
I had to smile at that, but then,  
"Or maybe myself."

Slowly I begen to see that maybe someone needs me.  
Maybe God really has a plan.  
Maybe He's let me feel so broken so I can save others.

Maybe,  
Maybe,  
Maybe...  
Could it possibly be true?

I still can't quite believe it.  
Not when my souls so numb.  
But I'll play strong a little longer,  
Keep going through the motions,  
Until I feel again.****

AN: What do you think? I'm working on the next chapter right now so it shouldn't be too terribly long till the next update.


	25. Broken Wing

**Song for this chapter are Broken Wing by TFK and Theater by Icon for Hire.  
Broken Wing is perfect of Izzy and Simon! :) I know I told some you this would be out over a week ago...I'm soo sorry! But I've been really busy with...life...so yeah. Sorry (not that this isn't my life but the other parts of life are trying to take over...bad other parts!) Anyway this is REALLY long so maybe that MIGHT help make up for it. :/ Love you guys! All of your reviews inspire me to make time to write.**

One last thing: A special shout out to max-rose-clary for their review. It means alot to me.  
Keep fighting everyone...We can't let the "bad people" win. Jace said so. ;)

The nurse at the desk said Clary was sleeping but they could go in to see her if they were quite. Jace hesitated in the doorway.  
"Want me to stay out here?" Isabelle whispered.  
He shook his head. He didn't know what he would see when he went in there. He wasn't sure he could take it just now. As weak as it sounded he needed his little sister to go with him.

"Just come in for a second?" he asked hesitantly. Isabelle nodded in understanding.

He froze. She was hooked up to all of those awful wires again. He felt a hand on his arm and looked down to see Isabelle with a pained look on her face. She tried to hide it when he looked at her but it was too late. He knew she was feeling guilty again, as if this was her fault.

"It's okay Jace." she said softly.

Why her hand on his arm and her whispered words of reassurance made him feel better he never knew. But they did. He smiled weakly at her but that was all the thanks he could manage. He had a feeling she understood though.

He slowly walked to the bedside and sat down in a chair that was already pulled right up to the bed. Someone must have moved it there for him knowing he couldn't stay away for long.

He took her hand in his, careful not to upset the pulse monitor.  
"I'm here Clary." he said unsure if she could hear him or not.  
She shifted a bit and he thought she almost smiled.  
"You need rest. Sleep. I'll be here when you wake up." weather she heard him or not she slept on.

Isabelle stood silently in the doorway, she didn't feel like she should be here. It seemed so personal; she felt like she was invading something sacred. But he had asked her to come with him and he didn't ask her to leave. Just then Simon burst in.

"Is she okay?" he gasped.  
Instinctively she put a hand out to slow him down. He looked at her with his big brown eyes full of fear and she wanted to comfort him more than anything. Not just because she felt it to be her fault but also because it was Simon...he had been staying with them for this long yet she still hadn't found her way into his bed...it was odd. She wanted to be with him more than any of the guys she had been with before, but he was different. He wasn't like the other guys. Simon was too innocent for her.

"Izz." he looked at her with pleading eyes. "What happened?"

"I'm not sure..." she glanced at Jace who didn't seem to know that anyone but Clary even existed.

"Clary?" Simon asked taking a few steps toward her.

Isabelle put one hand on his chest holding him back. Jace needed time. Simon gave her a strange look but didn't move her hand.

"Wait..."

"I need to talk to her."

"Just come." she took his arm and tugged him toward the door.

He followed her slowly out to the hallway.

"What was that about?" he wanted to go to Clary but as much as he disliked Jace he knew he would take care of her, and Isabelle looked like she might need a little attention right now.

"Jace needs some time...he just...I can't tell you." she trailed off.

"Are you okay?" she had been strong for Jace. She had held back her tears and even pretended to be okay with seeing Clary like this when it was all her fault. She would have been fine if this stupid nerd wasn't so freaking nice to her!

"Fine." she snapped brushing a tear off her cheek, and hoping against hope he didn't notice.

"Isabelle."

"I'm fine Simon!" but now more tears were trickling down her face.

He shook his head. Did all girls do this? Try to act like they were okay when they clearly weren't? Or was it just the ones he cared about. You know, just to make his life a little more impossible.

"Right." he wrapped her in his arms.

"Look at me Isabelle." she buried her head deeper in his shoulder.

"Please Izzy?" she shook her head. Gently but firmly he forced her back so he could look her in the eyes.

"Isabelle Lightwood. It. Is. Not. Your. Fault."

"Prove it." she snapped.

He glanced around quickly. They were standing in an empty waiting room- no one was around.

"Okay." he whispered pushing her up against a wall and smiling slightly as she gasped.

She was shocked. His warm hands on her waist made her heart pound in excitement and the very closeness of him made her feel like she might pass out. She was all talk- she had never been this close to a guy before. She claimed to have one night stands but in truth she would date a guy for a while, play with him a bit and drop him in fear when things went too far. She acted the part of a fearless bad girl so well that she even believed it half the time. But Simon seemed to see though it. He seemed to bring out the best in her, the side she tried her best to hide.

He kissed her then pulled back to look at her again.

"I don't hate you and it's not your fault. There's your proof."

She just stared at him in disbelief. They had kissed a few times before but not like this. She buried her face in his shoulder and inhaled his scent.

Simon had never seen her like this before. No one had. He held her tightly for a moment. He could tell she was worn out from whatever it was that had happened with Jace. As a matter of fact this whole thing had been hard on her and no one seemed to ever give a second thought to how she was coping. They were all too busy worrying about Clary and Jace - although Simon wasn't even quite sure why they were so worried about Jace. Then there was Alec coming out to his parents and moving out, one more thing for her to worry about, one more reason for everyone not to worry about her.

"I think we should get you home."

"I'm fine."

"Isabelle can you just let someone take care of you for once?"

She stared stupidly at him. "I'm fine. Shouldn't you be taking care of Clary?" why would she need to be taken care of? Why should he be worried about her? She didn't cut like Jace and Clary did. She didn't wake up screaming in the middle of the night (not that she had been sleeping much lately but that was beside the point). She hadn't been kicked out of the family and told she would be better off dead like Alec had. And she wasn't an innocent little nine year old who didn't know what was going on and only knew that her family seemed to be falling apart. She was just the little sister who wanted to help but didn't know how; the little sister who was trying her best to keep Alec from feeling cut off by texting him 10 million times a day; the little sister who was trying to keep Jace from feeling lost and alone while Alec was gone despite the fact that she didn't think she was strong enough for she was the big sister who made sure Max got out of the house when their mom was crying about Alec or when their dad starting yelling. In short she was holding everyone together without even realizing it. Thinking the whole time that she couldn't do anything to help the people she cared about and not ever knowing how much she was helping.

Simon knew though. He saw her fighting down her own tears to comfort Max. He saw her fight to regain control over her own emotions when Jace needed her or when she talked to Alec on the phone. She did such a good job hiding her feelings that no one else noticed what she was going though. Simon realized that this was why she came across as heartless and cruel at times. It wasn't that she didn't care, she did. She cared so much that she hid it as if she was trying to protect herself.

"Clary will be fine. You're the one I'm concerned about right now." he said softly, still holding her close. She looked like she was about to protest so he cut her off with another kiss. When he pulled away she gave him a weird look and rested her head on his chest for a moment which he correctly interpreted as consent.

They went back to Clary's room for a minute before they left.  
"Let me go talk to Jace. Then you can have your turn with Clary." Isabelle said pulling away from Simon.

He nodded and waited in the hall while she went to talk to her brother.

"Jace." she called in a hushed voice.  
He was holding Clary's hand, sitting on the edge of her bed and clutching her hand to his chest as if it was keeping him for drowning.

"Jace?"

He glanced at her with his eyes glistening with tears. She looked away giving him a moment to pull himself together if he wanted to.

"Jace, Simon wants to talk to her for a minute. Then he's going to take me home. Is that okay?"

He just nodded.

"Are you sure? I don't mind staying."

"You should go with Simon. You look exhausted." he said noticing for the first time how tired she looked.

"I fine Jace. It's not me I'm worried about."

"Yeah, well maybe someone should be. After all you're the one stuck dealing with Robert and you're the one taking care of Max...and me..."

He didn't like being open like this. But after what had happened in the car Isabelle had earned his trust more than ever. Also she really did look like she was about to fall asleep just standing there.

Jace whispered to Clary that he would be right back. He stood up and Isabelle couldn't help but run to him, hugging him so hard she almost knocked him over.

"Hey." he said returning her hug after a moment of surprise. He couldn't bring himself to tell her it would be okay. It seemed like every time he said that things got further and further from okay but he hugged her protectively promising himself that he would make sure Clary, Isabelle, Alec and Max were okay. If it killed him so much the better.

Isabelle pulled him out to the hallway so Simon could have his turn.

Simon was surprisingly quick. As much as he hated leaving Clary like this Isabelle needed him more right now.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Come on." Simon said leading Izzy into the house.  
"Lets get something to eat."  
She stared at him as if eating was a foreign concept.  
"You have to eat."  
"No I don't."  
"Isabelle." he sighed. "Yes you do. When was the last time you ate?"

She just looked at him.  
"Come on Izz."

"Sometime yesterday...I think...I'm not sure. I haven't really been thinking about food lately..." she said as if it didn't matter at all.

"Isabelle!"

"What? I'm not hungry."

"Oh Izz." he pulled her to him again and held her. "What do want to eat?"

"Nothing."

"We're sorry you seem to have chosen an invalid option. Please try again." he said in the stupidest robotic voice she had ever heard, earning himself a small smile. She punched him in the arm. "Nerd."

"So I've heard." he said with a laugh. "Now what do you want to eat?"

"I don't care."

"Okay then, let's make pancakes."

"It's 5 O'clock!"

"Pancakes are not just for breakfast any more my dear."

"You are soo weird!" she was laughing now. Simon was so glad to hear her laugh. It was the way he felt when he got Clary to laugh after a really bad day. But he felt something else too, something more.

"Oh do stop telling me things I already know." he replied. "Will your mom mind if we use the kitchen?"

"Not if we clean up after." she said with a roll of her eyes.  
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx x  
"Izz!" Simon exclaimed coming back into the kitchen. When she looked at him in innocent surprise he realized she didn't even know what she'd done.  
"I go to the bathroom, come back and find you murdering our poor innocent pancakes!"

She looked down at the blackened things that had been pancakes at one time.

"You said to brown them..."

"I didn't say to burn then though!"

"They look fine." she took a bite of one to prove her point. It was clear she could barely choke it down.  
"Mmmhmn! Yuumy!" She took another bite and almost gagged.

"Give it up Iz." he said shaking his head. "You told me you knew how to cook."

"I do!"

He raised a skeptical eyebrow.

"I never said I knew how to cook eatable food." she answered as if it was clearly his fault for miswording the question.

"Never mind." he said with a roll of his eyes. "I wondered why you didn't help at all with mixing up the batter. I thought you were just being lazy." he was glad he had finally managed to get her mind off her siblings for a little while and he was determined to make it last as long as possible.

"Yeah well that too."

"I knew it!" He laughed. "I hope you enjoyed your lazy ways. They end now."

"Hmmm... Let me think about that...how about not."

"How about yes. It's your fault we have to mix up another batch of batter."

Just then Max came running in "I smelled burning! Simon didn't anyone one warn you to keep her out of the kitchen?" he demanded pointing at his sister.

"I'm not that bad!" she protested.

"Yes you are." three voices responded, Isabelle whirled around to glare at her father.  
As always he didn't seem to notice that his mere presence in the room inspired her hatred.

"Iz I need you to watch Max. I have things to do and you mother is at the hospital again checking on Jace. That boy is going to be death of her if he doesn't pull himself together and act like a man." he muttered angrily, he added something else Isabelle didn't quite catch but she was fairly sure it had to do with Alec and being a bad example. Apparently when he was no trashing one son he moved right on to the next. Lovely parenting skills right? I know! Let's make our children MORE likely to kill themselves. All they need is to feel loved...let's hate them instead. It will be fun!

She lost it.  
"That boy is my bother! Her son! Your son if you had half a heart! Can't you see how strong he is? He's more of a man than you ever were! And Alec too! Of course I'll watch Max! I wouldn't want him to have to spend any more time with you then absolutely necessary."

He stood staring at her. Something flashed across his face only to be quickly replaced by anger. He looked like he was about to say something but instead he just turned away and walked out the door.

Isabelle stood staring after him till she heard Simon gently calling her name. She turned around to see him standing with his arm protectively around a terrified looking Max.

"Izzy?" the little boy questioned hesitantly.

She looked at the little boy standing there in fear and felt that she had only managed to make things worse for him.

"Sorry Max...I just..."

He cut her off of by pulling away from Simon and flinging himself at her.

"Is Jace okay?" she wrapped her arms around the little boy holding him close. "He's fine."

"Clary?"

She'll be fine too. Jace is with her now."

"Alec? What about Alec. Dad keeps telling me not to "turn out" like Alec. What does he mean? How did Alec turn out? Why shouldn't I turn out like him? I like Alec." Max finished in a rush.

"I like Alec too." she said with a sad smile "And I think he's okay. And I think maybe you should call him. We don't want him to think we forgot about him do we?"

Max was confused. Isabelle was clearly ignoring his most important question.

"What did Alec do? Why does dad hate him? Isabelle please." he begged. He was past caring that Jace and Alec would never beg like this. He just wanted to know what was going on so he could try to help. It was hard being so much younger than the others, he felt so left out sometimes. It didn't help matters that he was home schooled and had never heard of anyone being gay or homosexual. He vaguely knew what it meant but not really, he never really thought about it before. The poor boy had no idea what had happened. In his childlike innocence he saw it for what it really was I.E. Their father turning against Alec for no good reason. The problem was he was now afraid of the same thing happening to him. What if one day dad decided he didn't like him anymore either? What would happen then? Where would he go?

"Izzy what happened? I don't want it to happen to me. I don't want dad to send me away!"

Isabelle looked Simon her eyes pleading with him to help her. She had no idea how to explain this to a nine year old! Their mom should have had this talk with Max as soon as Alec came out to everyone. Not that she was surprised. Maryse hated having "talks" with her children. When Isabelle had gotten her first period she had thought she was dying.

"Oh I didn't know how to tell you. I thought you were still too young." yeah well... TALKING is normally a pretty good place to start... Ah the joys of being homeschooled.

Simon saw her begging him for help. Well this was awkward...but he supposed he might as well help her...he could stand to see her suffering like this and Max looked near tears.

"Max." Simon said finally.  
Isabelle shot him a "took you long enough" look and he shrugged.

Max glanced at the older boy.

"You never took the pancakes off the stove." he said.

Simon ran the few steps to the stove and to his horror saw that the blackened pancakes were now black all the way through. Not to mention crispy, smoking and possibly seconds away from bursting into flames. He grabbed the pan and ran it to the sink where he stuck the whole thing under cold water creating a burst of steam.

"How did we not notice the burning smell?" Isabelle wondered out loud.  
"I have no idea." he replied, as distracted as they had been this was still ridiculous.

"I noticed. At first I thought it was supposed to smell like that, everything she makes is pretty awful." Max said matter-of-factly.

They both stared at him for a moment then Simon laughed. After glaring at them both Isabelle joined in. Once they stopped the tension in the air was no long as thick and they felt like they could maybe possibly make it through this horribly awkward conversation.

"So instead of liking girls like Jace does Alec like guys?" Max asked sounding stunned.  
Isabelle felt a wave of fear. What if the little boy felt their father was right. After all Max was nine and she supposed that da-Robert's opinion might matter more to him then her's did. But she didn't think Alec could deal with another rejection, especially from his little brother.

"Yes." Simon answered calmly. He seemed to have taken over for her and that was just fine.

"Why?"  
"He just does."  
"Oh..."  
"Max, what are you thinking?" the boy seemed to be thinking very hard.

"Did he always like boys?"  
"I think so."  
"So he's still Alec."  
"Of course he is." Simon answered after a pause. He had been waiting for Isabelle to answer but she was too busy fighting back tears.  
"Are you sure?"  
They both nodded.  
"If that's true then why does dad hate him now?"  
"I don't think that really matters." Simon said. This was so awkward!  
"I want to talk to him."  
Isabelle held out her phone.  
"Can you make sure he still wants to talk to me?"  
"I know he does." she said her heart breaking.  
"Please Izzy?"  
She nodded and hit Alec's number on speed dial.

"Izzy." he answered the phone on the first ring.  
"How is everyone? Jace isn't answering his phone."

"He's fine. Clary is in the hospital again, but she'll be fine." he sounded so worried she didn't want him to have to worry about Max too. But he needed to know his little brother still loved him, and Max needed to know that Alec was still Alec, that his brother was still the same boy who comforted him when he was upset and who played video games with him without complaining.  
"You're sure Jace is okay?" he demanded.  
"Yeah I'm sure. Actually I have something I need to talk to you about. I think I know a way to help him but I can't really tell you right now" It was one thing to go behind Jace's back and tell Alec what he had told her, it was another to tell him in front of Max and Simon.

Alec understood, "Sure, you can call any time. However your consistent texting..."

"Sorry...I just didn't want you to feel...cut off...and I couldn't call cuz I didn't know want to say..." she mumbled is a rush.

Alec smiled. He knew this was hard for her. The fact that she was trying this hard helped more then she would ever know.

"I know Izzy. It's helping, it really is. But you're going to use up a month's worth of texting plus all of my roll over texts in about two weeks if you don't slow down."

"Sorry. Well at least you have roll over." she knew he had a ton of roll over since he hardly ever used his phone.

"Yeah otherwise someone would have made me go over for the month like the first day I was here." he laughed.

"So how is my baby sister doing?" he asked his voice full of concern.

"Alec -I'll call later okay?And I'm fine." she doubted Alec would believe it but right now it was the best lie she could manage. "Max needs talk to you. He ummm...he wanted me to make sure you still want to talk to him..." she knew those words would hurt him but what else could she say?

There was a pause. "Alec?" she asked gently.

"Of course I do. Why wouldn't I. Wait...does he know? I don't want to be a bad influence on him. What has dad told him?" Alec asked in a rush.

"Calm down. I'm not quite sure what Robert told him but it doesn't matter. Simon and I talked to him. I think he understands. He just needs to talk to you. And you're not a bad influence."

"Here." she handed Max the phone.

"Alec? Are you still you?" Max asked with the innocence that only children have.

Alec's heart ached at those words and Izzy's ached for him.

"Of course I am. I'm still me and I still love you. Okay? I need you to know that." he was fighting to keep his voice from breaking.

"I love you too." he whispered into the phone. Then he added. "Don't cry. Alec please don't. Dad is wrong. I miss you. When are you coming home?"

"I miss you too. I don't think I can live there anymore though."

"What about for my birthday. You'll come for my birthday won't you."

"Of course I will. I promise." Even if he wasn't allowed in the house. Even if he wasn't allowed near Max he would make sure the boy knew he tried.

"Good."

"So how are you?"

"Good. I stopped Izzy and Simon from burning down the kitchen." he said proudly, making Isabelle and Simon squirm uncomfortably.

"Did you now?" Max could imagine the face he was making. Amused but worried, torn between laughing and yelling.

After a few more minutes Alec asked to talk to Isabelle again but not before reassuring Max once again that he would be there for his birthday and reminding him that he could call him whenever he wanted.

"Thanks Isabelle." he when she took the phone back.  
"Sure."  
"Call me as soon as you get a chance. Jace is okay right?"  
"He's fine Alec." she paused. "I'll let you know what's going on later. How are you?" she blurted out.

"I'm fine. I'm doing really well. Honestly." he added when she did say anything.  
"Would you tell me if you weren't?"  
"Isabelle I'm fine. Go take care of Max and call me when you can."  
"Kay...love you." she said softly before hanging up the phone.

She looked at Max, "Feel better?" he nodded.

"Who's ready make some pancakes then?"  
"I have to help. Alec said it's my job to make sure you guys don't burn the kitchen down."

After much laughter and throwing around of flour, the pancakes were ready and the kitchen was a total mess.

"Mom called! She said she'll be home in 10 minutes!" Max exclaimed in horror.

"She's gonna kill us." Isabelle muttered glancing around the kitchen.

"No she's not. Rebecca and I have cleaned up worse messes in less time." Simon said calmly thinking of the messes he and his sister used to make in the kitchen when they both still lived at home. When they were really young sometimes their dad had even helped them and those had somehow always been the worst messes of all. But they always managed to clean up just before their mom got home.

"Max- here, go set the table." he said handing the boy four plates.

"Isabelle, go get some rags. I'll put the eggs and stuff back."

Ten minutes later the kitchen was sparkling clean and the table was set for four, with pancakes and scrambled egged in the middle. Maryse was shocked but thrilled to find that dinner was ready and even more shocked to see that not only was the kitchen NOT burned down but it looked as if the floor had been cleaned.

After dinner -Simon was glad to see the Isabelle appeared to be starving- Simon pulled Izzy aside.  
"You go call Alec, I'll play with Max."

She nodded, "Thanks Si."  
Simon felt his stomach flip when she called him "Si."

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx  
"He never told me...something that upset him that much?" Alec sounded hurt.

"He thought we would "send him away." if we knew..."

"But I thought he trusted me."

"Alec he does. He needs you and don't forget it." she sighed. "His stupid workers told him not to tell. I got the feeling he had never told anyone before. Probably not even Mike... actually if he didn't tell you then there's no way he told anyone else... He only told me because I demanded to know what had made him shut down like that."

Alec closed his eyes. He should have been there."Shutdown?" Did she mean the way he used to zone out when something stressed him out or made him remember his past? He hadn't done that it years.

"Iz. Tell me what happened."

She told him part of it. But not what it was that Jace had told her.

"He should tell you himself."

Alec nodded. Isabelle was growing up. She was learning when to tell things and when to keep quite. Then he remembered she couldn't see him. "That seems like the best plan."

"You're sure you're okay over there?"

"Isabelle I'm fine. Better than fine actually." he chuckled. "It's nice to have someone to hold you."

"Is it now?" Magnus purred walking into the room.  
Alec smiled as he felt a blush creeping over his face, but Magnus saw how tense he looked. He squeezed Alec's shoulder, "You okay?"  
Alec nodded  
"Come find me when you're done." he whispered in a tone the made Alec shiver - the good kind of shiver the kind he had never felt before he met Magnus.

"Is that all you're doing then?" she asked teasingly. She could see his cheeks turning red as clearly as if he was there.

"Not that it's any of your concern but yes. How are you and Simon doing?" he asked for pay back.

"Well...it's nice to have someone to hold you..." she said copying him.

"Mhhmm. And is that all you're doing?" he mimicked.

She didn't say anything and he laughed.

"Just remember I'm not too far away to come back to beat up anyone who hurts my baby sister."

"Yeah well Magnus better be careful too is all I have to say."

They talked awhile longer then Alec said he was going to call Jace.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx  
"Alec." Jace answered the phone.  
"Jace." he breathed in relief.  
"Can you talk?"  
Jace look at Clary who was sleeping peacefully. She had woken up just long enough for Jace to tell that she was coming home with him when she got out of here.  
"Yeah..." he said after a moment's hesitation.  
"Iz told me you had a complete blackout."  
"Can't she ever keep her mouth shut?" he was fighting to keep his voice low so as not to wake Clary but his anger was still clear in his tone.

"She didn't tell me what happened or what you told her- Only that I should call you. Jace come on! If I have come over there to get you to talk to me I will."

The words came out in a rush. Telling Isabelle had been reliving but Alec knew everything about him...other than this...he had always wanted to tell him...needed his brother to be there for this like he was for everything else but until now he hadn't been able to bring himself to tell him.

Now the words came pouring out. He quickly told Clarly he would be back, kissed her forehead and hurried out to Izzy's car where he finally let Alec in completely.

When he was finished Alec was silent for a moment.

"Jace..." he had no clue what say. "Thank you."

"What?" Jace was confused.

"For letting me in... even if you did let Iz in first." Jace thought this was attempt at Joke but he wasn't sure. Alec shouldn't be allowed to make jokes...

"I thought you would all think I was a lost cause...you know...like it ran in the family so why try to stop it?" he muttered.

"You're not a lost cause though you might be a freaking imbecile!" Alec raised his voice in frustration, and Magnus peeked around the corner, checking to see if he was okay. Alec forced himself to smile at his overly worried boyfriend and shooed him away with a wave his hand, mouthing "tell you later."  
Jace laughed bitterly. "So I've heard.  
"Jace...you're my brother. My closest friend. The reason I'm alive and the reason I'm here. The reason I was finally able to trust myself enough to do this. Jace!" he didn't know what to say. He wasn't thinking about what he was saying, if he did he wouldn't be able to say anything. He was just saying what he felt, letting the words come. That was the only way he could do this. "How are things with Clary?" he asked knowing Jace had so many things on his mind right now that he might just need to talk for a while.

"She's coming home tomorrow or the next day...then I don't know how long it will be till the trial...I...she asked me to go with her...I will...but...Alec do you think killing him in the courtroom will get me in trouble?"

"Of course not. Why ever would it?" Alec responded dryly. He knew how hard it was for Jace to control his anger. That was part of why Maryse had started homeschooling them. She had gotten sick of Jace getting in fights all the time at school. Alec had of course not minded at all and once Izzy realized it was easier to get her brother to do her school work for her this way and that she could still go to dances and all the "good parts of school" she'd been fine with it too. Maryse had claimed it was so they could train more but they knew that if that statement was true to any extent it was because Jace needed to be able to let his anger out whenever he felt the need otherwise...well let's say the bullies at that school never were the same after meeting Jace.

"I'll go with if you want." Alec suggested.  
"But-"  
"No buts. Losing it and punching him in the face is NOT going to help anything. And I have a feeling you might not be the only one who needs to be restrained...Jon has been stomping around the place like he wants to kill someone. And I have a fairly good idea who that someone is. Luke is better but not by much I think it might be best if there was someone with you who can think somewhat clearly."

"Thanks."

"Yup...Jace...I-...ummm...Are you okay?" he didn't know how to ask if he was thinking of suicide so he settled for this.

"Yeah. I'm fine." but he didn't sound convincing even to himself.

"Jace..."

"Okay, I'm not fine. But I haven't cut if that's what you mean."

"And you're not...thinking of...you know?" this was so hard!

"No...well yes...but it's different. I think about it but I don't think I would."

Alec breathed a sigh of relief. "Good."

"How about you?"

Alec winced. He had hoped Jace wouldn't ask.  
"I'm fine."

"Alec come on. I'm not stupid. I just tried that and it didn't work on you so why in hell would you think you could use it on me?"

"Wishful thinking?" Alec muttered. "I...ummm...I cut. Once...Magnus...found out..."

"I take it he didn't send you away?"

"The idiot seems to like having me around for some unknown reason..."

"I was right. Then again when am I not?" Alec could picture Jace's smirk as clearly as if he was looking at him.

"Hey I gotta go." Jace said a few minutes later. "Visiting hours are up soon and I don't want to get locked out before saying goodbye."

"Okay...Goodnight. And Jace? If you need anything just call okay? Just because I'm not there doesn't mean I'm not here for you as much as I ever was."

"Thanks Alec. Same here."

As he walked back to Clary room he thought about how much his adopted family had come to mean to him. He still wished his mother hadn't chosen death over him; he still wished his father had given a damn about him and tried to take care of him or at least contact him now that he was older, but he had got to the point where he could see that the Lightwoods were his real family. Heck they (for some incomprehensible reason) seemed to love him. They were even willing to help him find out what had happened all those years ago. Alec had even suggested that he would try to track down his father. He wasn't sure he could face him. Alec had told him to just think about it and he didn't seem to have any other choice. It was the only thing he could think about. In truth he had been thinking about it for a long time but he hadn't had the courage to admit it...even to himself. But maybe...maybe with Alec and Izzy's help...maybe with Clary to give him strength...He looked at the beautiful little redhead lying in the terrifyingly white hospital bed and knew he needed to do something. He had come a long way from the boy who Maryse had saved but he was still so broken that he didn't think he could be what Clary needed him to be. He needed to find the answers.

**What did you think? Was it too long? Review for a sneak peek! XD**


	26. I Never Said I Was an Angel

**Hello peoples! :) I'm sooo sorry I always take so long to update, really I am! This chapter has NOT been betaed. My beta has been busy (to which I can relate). Once I get the corrected version I will update this. If you are one of those people for whom I feel sorry who can not stand mistakes then you can wait till then. :) (However if you are one those people I haven't a clue how you made it this far in this story...) **

_**Songs for this chapter are;**_

_**Only Human by Manafest**__** (from which I took the chapter name and therefor I clearly do not own it) Perfect song for this chapter!**_

_****__**Sometimes by Skillet (this is also a perfect song for Jace right now!) Thank you Kaydan! :)**_

_**Arms around me by Hawk Nelson...not quite perfect...but still good. lol**_

Isabelle stretched. This was the best she had slept in a long time. Wait. It was still dark out and she couldn't see much but something was wrong. This wasn't her room...she wasn't alone...

"Izzy?" whispered a sleepy voice.  
"Si." she whispered back confused but relieved. What the hell was she doing here? She noticed to her relief she was still wearing clothes so that was a good thing...

It took her a moment to remember what had happened.

...  
"You should get some sleep."  
"Nah..."  
"Izz, sleep is just as important as food you know.

"I...fine." she been about to say "I can't sleep but she just couldn't, she had to to keep acting like she didn't care. She needed to act like she was fine. If not she would completely break down.

Simon gave her a long hard look.  
His eyes were gentle and concerned. She had to look away to keep from losing her careful control.

He gave her a quick hug and whispered good night.

Simon had known something was wrong. He could see it in the way she looked away and the way she clung to him - if only for a moment- when he hugged her.

He let her be for a while. After about an hour he crept out of his room and down the hall. He paused at her door, not quite sure what he was planning to do. He just had a feeling she needed him. He knocked softly.  
"Go away."  
He knocked again.  
"What part of go away don't you understand?" she snapped.  
He opened the door.  
"Gee you sure do know how to wound a person with your words."

"Si...I...I'm sorry..."

"Chill I was joking. You should be sleeping."

"I can't." she looked down.

"I know."

She blinked in confusion. "You know?"

"Yes. I was pretty sure. I came to check on you." she looked at him in disbelief.  
"Check on me?"

"Yes Isabelle. Check on you."

A stupid tear escaped from one eye and ran down her cheek. She looked away and refused to meet his eyes.

"Hey there." he soothed as he sat down next to her on the bed.

She felt her heart speed up at his whispered words and all she could think about was their kiss earlier that day...the way he made her feel warm and safe. The way his body had fit against her's, he had felt so strong against her. Surprisingly strong, but gentle...soothing but at the same time he made her feel like she was on fire. Suddenly she needed more. She felt like she couldn't wait a moment longer.

She looked away. Not wanting to seem desperate, she didn't know what to do.

He scooted closer. "Isabelle talk to me."

"I'd rather not...I'm not into talking..."

"It might help..." she was Isabelle and he was just Simon there was no way she could be implying what he thought it might possibly sound like she meant. Clary was right he was crazy.

"No...there is something though." her brown eyes were wide with...fear? She looked so young and innocent without makeup on.

"Anything."

She blushed...Isabelle actually blushed.  
"I don't think you should say that..."

"Izzy?"

"Simon will you...? Will you hold me?" she was thinking of Alec, "It's nice to have someone to hold you." what the hell was she doing? But if Alex could do so could she... right? After all she was the brave one...

He was shocked though no more so then she was.  
"Sure...are...are you okay?"  
She just shrugged. "I don't know...just hold me please?" this was not her. But she just felt so...so lost..so alone...scared...confused...she needed him.

He wrapped her in his arms and held her tightly. He could feel her heart pounding against his own chest. He could hear her breathing speed up as she wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling herself closer to him.

"Isabelle?" he questioned in confusion.

"No talking. Please? Not right now?"

He nodded and held her tighter, sensing that she needed this.

"We have to talk though Iz."

She nodded. "Later?" she whispered, "Please?"

"Okay. But you can't get away from it."

She didn't say anything just buried her head in the crook of his neck.

Simon just sat there rocking her gently in his arms. Was this really happening? Was Isabelle Lightwood really in his arms right now? She certainly seem to be.

She remembered his hand hesitantly slipping under the hem of her shirt and tracing soothing patterns on her bare skin. She didn't however remember how she ended up in Simon's bed...

"Look Izz...you fell asleep in my arms...when I tried to put you in your bed you woke up just enough to cling to me...I umm...you needed sleep...so...ummm I brought you here...I...I'm sorry?"

"Thanks Simon." she snuggled up to his side wanting and needing the comfort of his touch.  
"Wait. Why not just stay in my room?"

He laughed awkwardly "Some the guy in the girls room seemed more wrong then this way..."

"Your stupid." she said kissing him.

"We still need to talk. I feel like you fell asleep on purpose."

"Kay...talk about what...?" playing dumb was worth a try right?

"Well for one thing what's up with you? I love holding you...don't get me wrong...but...Izz tell me what's wrong."

She shook her head. "I don't know. It's all just too much... I don't know what to do...you...you make me feel... (Safe. Like she was drowning...loved...dirty...like a better person...all at once.) she shook her head trying to clear it.

He wrapped his arms around her holding her close. He knew she needed to feel loved...but did she really like him...?

"I make you feel what?"  
She had to tell him something...but she didn't know how...she took his hand and pressed it to her pounding heart. "You make me feel this."

He kissed her then. "You make me feel that too." he pressed her hand to his own heart which was beating just as hard.

"Simon?"

"Yes?"

"Thanks."

He wrapped her tightly in arms and kissed the top of her head. "Anytime." he whipered as she snuggled into his arms and slowly fell back asleep.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Jace carried Clary to his room and layed her carefully in his own bed.

"Jace? This is your room..."

"I know...your room is all ready...I thought maybe...you wouldn't want to go back to it...Simon is in the other spare room...you could trade...or...you could sleep here..." Staying in the room where she had slit her wrist was probably not the best of ideas.

"I...Jace...I'd...I'd like to...I want to...that one night...but then everything...I don't know if... if I can..."

"I know. It was just an idea...I didn't even mean we had to sleep in the same bed...I could sleep on the floor..."

"You're NOT sleeping on the floor of your own room." she said with a note of determination in her voice that showed her inner strength.

"I...I could bring in the mattress off Alec's bed. Put it on the floor..."

"I'll sleep there." she said nodding.

"No. You won't. You'll sleep in my bed."

They spent most of that day in Jace's room. Just sitting there...talking. Max came in and gave her a hug so big that Jace freaked out and started yelled at him.

"I'm fine Jace. I promise. Max ignore him...will you read to me?"

After Max read to her Simon and Izzy who had been nowhere to be found came in they all sat around and talked about nothing till Max decided that this was boring and brought in some games for everyone to play. Uno, sorry, games that were so boring and normal that sitting here playing them in a room full of friends...and Jace, just felt too good to be true.

That first night she couldn't sleep...in the hospital they had given her meds to make her sleep...she had them here but she didn't want to take them...

Jace was laying on the mattress on the floor he was hopping Clary was asleep...he needed to do something though...he wanted to train...he would have gone to Alec to ask him to train with him...but...training alone was the next best thing...

He sat up and glanced at his bed. Clary was curled up in a ball...and she was shaking. She hadn't wanted to wake him up so she had been suffering silently this whole time.

"Clary...?"  
"Oh Jace you're awake..." her voice was soft and broken sounding. As if she didn't even have the strength to talk.  
"I've been awake.."  
"Oh...so have I...didn't want to wake you..."  
Jace shook his head as he stood up. "Clary...I need you to let me know when you need me." he sat on the edge of the bed and carefully reached out for her hand.

"Where were you going?"

"To train..."

"Oh...can I come?" she asked her voice sounding stronger. "Unless less you want to be alone...I understand if you do."

"I hate being alone." he said firmly. "But...you need rest..."

"My training can be walking down the stairs." she said with a bitter laugh.

"Your getting stronger faster then anyone else thought you could." he reassured her.

"Anyone else?"

"I knew you had it in you." he smiled

She made her way slowly to the stairs when she got there Jace stopped her.

"Pulse please."  
"I'm fine."  
"Let me make sure?"  
"Jace..." she sighed. "You need to stop worrying about me."  
"I can't."  
"Look at me. I'm alive. I'm fine."  
"Thats a good way to look at it..."  
"But?"  
"But, I'm still worried." he looked her up and down his eyes meeting hers.  
"Clary...I need you."  
"I'm right here." she whispered breathlessly. She loved hearing that. But it scared her. It made a part of her mind think of...him...it...she felt herself slipping into panic. She closed her eyes trying to shut it out, but then she could hear his voice.  
"Daddy's here."  
She pressed her hands to her ears and leaned against the wall.

Jace took her in his arms whispering soothing words the way he always did.

"Jace. When will I be able to be normal? I want to be a normal girlfriend! I don't want to collapse on the floor and be unable to function! I want you to able to hold me...without being afraid of me losing it. You don't need me Jace. Know one does. I need you. You don't need me." she burst out once she could speak again.

"Clary. You'll get passed this."

"What if I don't Jace?" she was practically shirking at him now.

"Then we'll deal with it. Together."

"Jace." she sighed.

"Clary. I really need you. Clary...I don't know if I should tell you this but...when I thought I might lose you...I..." he closed his eyes. He didn't blame her for losing it like this. He felt like he himself was dangerously close to a breakdown. He felt a small gentle hand over his and opened his eyes.

He took a deep breath. "I did this." he pulled his sleeve and she gasped.

"Jace? I'm sorry!...this was my fault! I'm so sorry."

"No. It wasn't your fault. Want to know what is your fault?"

She just looked at him and he decided to take that as a yes.

" I...honestly since met you...I've been...better than I have been in a long time...better then I remember being ever."

"Really?"

"Really. I don't feel so empty inside. Yeah things have been stressful but at the same time...it's...it's been nice."

She knew what he meant, but she didn't know what to say. "Jace?...never mind...will you help me down the stairs? I still want to watch you practice if that's okay...?"

He nodded and scooped her up, spinning her around when she protested. She giggled and she had to muffle her laughter by pressing her face to Jace's chest when she heard an indigent Isabelle shout "Shut up!" she realized Isabelle was in Simon's room...she would have to give him hell about that later.

Clary sat on a pile of blankets Jace had put in the corner for her despite her protests that she would be fine on the floor. She watched as Jace took out all his anger and worry on the punching bags and went through complicated routines as if they were nothing. He went on for what could have been hours or minutes -she lost her self in watching him. Letting herself stare knowing he was too focused to notice.

This became a nightly routine. After about a week she was able to do more "training" than just walking down the stairs. She would walk around the room , going further each night. He would take her outside and the would walk about the yard sometimes. They would talk for hours sometimes and sometimes they would just sit quietly; just glad to be together, glad to be alive.

One night Clary was too tired to follow their normal routine. She and Jace had been to the stable. Jace had been unsure about letting her ride again just yet but she promised to take it slowly and Jace had made sure she got an older slower horse who would keep her safe (Drake who moved faster then a walk willingly if there was food involved was the perfect choice).

She woke up and realized Jace was gone. She couldn't get back to sleep so she crept down to the training room where she knew she would find Jace. What she found surprised her. He always put his whole self into his training but tonight he seemed even more intense. As if he had even more fear, anger and worry to use up.

He never seemed to get tired but Clary knew that not even Jace could carry on like this forever. He seemed to have been at it for a while. She noticed he was breathing hard and his shirt was drenched in sweat. She stood in the doorway for a moment. Watching him, wanting to comfort him. But she felt like she should let him be. She came back with a bottle of cold water, a towel and a dry shirt. She stood there. Waiting for him to need her.

He seemed to have completely forgotten that she and the entire rest of the world existed. She waited. Knowing he was trying to work something out. Something was really bothering him but there was no point in trying to talk to him till he was done. All she could do was wait. Wait and be ready when he needed her. She was slightly afraid of what would happen if she had a breakdown while trying to help him through whatever this was...but she couldn't dwell on that. He said he needed her. Maybe she could repay a little of what he had done for her. Maybe it was her turn to take care of him.

He couldn't keep going. He had completely warren himself out. He stumbled in exhaustion and collapsed with a frustrated scream.

"Jace?" she whispered. "Jace."

He didn't respond.

She walked toward him. "Jace? Jace it's me."  
He looked at her for a moment, shocked."Go. Just go. I'll be fine." he choked out.

"No. I can't." she moved next to him and slowly sat beside him.

"I don't want you to see me like this! Please Clary!" he snapped and she pulled back without meaning to.  
"Clary please? You don't need to deal with this. I'll be fine."

"I want to be with you."

"Not when I'm like this you don't." he was breathing hard, trying not to lose the little control he still had.

"Yes. I do." she said firmly.

"Get out!" he yelled and she flinched.  
"Jace." she reached out for his hand but he knocked her away roughly.  
She stared at him in terror scooted backwards, away from him.

Slowly Jace realized what he had done. A look of panic overtook his features and he jumped up running out of the room.

Clary sat there, staring at her hand. Then slowly she picked up the water and the other things she had brought for him. He hadn't meant to hurt her... He wouldn't hurt her...right?

She realized she didn't care if he hurt her. Her fear of being hurt was all but gone. All she could think about was the way he collapsed, the way he had screamed... Something was very wrong.

She stood in the hallway. He wouldn't have gone to his room, she was staying there too...she thought for a moment, they had been the smallest of the training rooms...he might be in one of the other two...she doubted it though. Where would he go...?  
Out side.  
But where?

She hurried as fast as she could manage. He wasn't anywhere to be seen. She hadn't expected him to be. If he didn't want to be found finding him wouldn't be easy. She thought for a moment. Hoge. She hadn't met Hoge but Jace had told her about their neighbor who had was also their math tutor when then they been in highschool he was still Izzy's tutor although he often wondered why he bothered.

Jace had told her about Hoge's green house but she hadn't been yet. Jace had said he wanted to take her to see it was she was feeling up to it.  
She knew Hoge's house was behind Lightwood institute. She couldn't see it through the tree's but it couldn't be far. She had could see why Jace would like to be out here at night. It was peaceful. It was dark but they both knew the real demons weren't the kind that lived in the shadows but the kind that lived inside of you - trying to steal your happiness or even your soul. The ones that Jace had saved her from but that still haunted her the ones she knew were torching Jace right now. She had to find him.

There. There was the green house! She didn't let herself think as she rushed forward.

The door was unlocked and she opened it silently.

He was sitting in the far corner, hugging his knees his chest and shaking slightly. He didn't care that he was completely vulnerable, no one could see him and besides that he had just lost the person who meant the world to him. Worse still it was all his fault. He had been too caught up in his fears, in his past, he had basically hit her. Not hard...not on purpose...but after what she had already been through...there was no way he could expect her to trust him after this.

"Jace?" she called softly. Trying with only limited success to hide the fear in her voice. But the fear was more for him then it was for herself.

He looked up and saw her standing there. To him she looked like an angel. Her eyes shining with concern, her hair glowing like a halo as a patch of moonlight fell on it.

"Clary. Go home. Get away." he wanted the comfort of having her there but he couldn't risk hurting her. Not again.

"No."

"Clary go!"

She walked toward him. Jace cowered in the corner as if he was afraid of her, when really he was terrified of hurting her.

"Jace it's okay. Jace..." she trailed off staring at him in shock. "You're bleeding!"

"Stay away from me Clary! You don't know what I've done...I used to to beat kids up in school I didn't mean to...I would just lose it! I-I thought I was doing better...I thought I could take care of you...but I can't. I can't control myself Clary. Go home. Go to Simon or Izzy's room. Go back to your room. Clary I almost hit you! I almost... I can't be trusted." he ended sobbing. He was ashamed of the way he was acting but he couldn't help it. He needed her to see that he was a bad person.

"But you didn't hit me. Not really. And Izzy told me you only beat up the bullies...and I can't say that I blame you. You might have saved lives doing that you know...the people who were bullied knew at least one person gave a damn. I know you saved my life...I can't leave you here. Not when you're like this."

"Clary go."

"No." her voice was firm, it was odd the fear that hadn't left in so long was gone. She wasn't afraid for herself any more. She wasn't thinking about all the pain she had been though and was still going through...all that mattered was Jace. All that mattered was that he needed help.

"Jace give me the knife."  
He didn't respond. Just put his head in his hands and tried to hold back his tears. The knife was on the ground next to him. Covered in blood. She carefully picked it up and put it in her pocket. She saw he was so tense he was almost shaking, his muscles quivering as if ready to run away from her at any moment.

"It's okay Jace." she said trying to make her voice soothing. "Jace I'm sitting next to you okay?" she didn't wait for a reasponse. She was just letting him know what she was doing so as not to scare him.

He kept his head in his hands as he felt he sitting next to him.

"What is it Jace?"

"nothing." his voice sounded choked by tether tears he was holding in.

"Yeah...right." she wanted to take look at his cuts. Clean and bandage them. But she knew she couldn't leave here...

"Let me take of you for a change Jace." she placed a hand on his arm. He didn't respond.

"Jace look at me." she tugged his hands away from his face and leaned over so she was looking him in the eye.

"Jace what happened? What is it?"

"It's just...just nothing..."

"I trusted you. Why won't you trust me?"

It wasn't that. He would trust her with his life. He said didn't want to put her through any more crap. It wasn't fair to make her deal with more. But he felt like he was going to explode if he didn't tell someone...

"I do...It's just I..."

She wrapped her arms around him and held him tightly. The pressure of her arms around him helped him to think clearly.

After a while of sitting there they heard a noise. All of a sudden the lights came on.

"Jace?" demanded a male voice.

"Hoge." Jace responded sounding less than thrilled but not truly surprised.

"What on earth-" he began but trailed of when he saw the blood.

"I'll get something to put on those cuts." he said as he turned away.

"What are you going to tell about the cuts?" Clary whispered when he was out of sight.

"Nothing. He knows how I am."

She nodded and rested her head on his shoulder as they waited silently.

"Let the girl clean you up. I'll make you both some tea."

"I don't want tea Hoge. I want revenge." Jace said bitterly.

Hoge looked at the boy sitting there on the floor of his greenhouse. It was hard to read his face. He seemed kind, Jace seemed to trust him...but there was something...she must be imagining it. It was hard for her to trust men...it had to be just her paranoia.

"I'm afraid we're all out if bitter revenge at the moment. It's tea or nothing."

"With honey?"

"Of course."

"Jace? Why don't you take off your shirt?" she asked softly once Hoge was gone again.

"No."

" Jace it's soaking wet...you're going to get sick." she held up the dry shirt she had brought him. "Please."

He sighed. "I don't suppose you'll look away while I change..." he didn't really want her to see exactly how many scars he had. That night they spent together it had been too dark for her to notice and in the morning he had managed to get a shirt on while she was still half asleep.

"Come on Jace." she gestured at the bandages on her arms. "I don't judge."

"I know." but she did worry. He didn't see that he had much choice though.

She let out a small gasp when he took the shirt off.

"See. I knew you wouldn't like what you saw."

His beautiful body was covered in small scars. Most of them from having been beaten. But some them...some them had clearly been made by a knife. Worse still some of them were fresh. Small cuts with barely dried blood some them still bleeding slightly covered his stomach.

"Jace..." she breathed his name in fear.

"It's just scratches Clary." he said knowing that didn't make it okay. It hadn't calmed him down when Alec said it and Alec's were only on his arm.

"But their...their on your stomach...and your chest..." she took a step toward him.  
"Why don't you sit back down? This might hurt..."

She carefully wiped each cut clean with the wet cloth Hoge had given her. She saw the way he gritted his teeth and she began whispering soothingly to him, trying to distract him from the pain. She knew she pain felt good at first. When you first cut it was...it was hard to describe...it was like the act of slicing your skin was creating a way out for all the hurt and pain that was inside. It cleared your mind, it made the numbness go away...but only for a while. Then the pain of the cut became just regular pain...or worse a reminder that you had failed again. That you were weak.

She kept talking to him as she wiped all the cuts clean. "Kay...this stuff looks nasty...I don't know if it will sting or not...you ready?"

"It's gonna sting like hell." he admitted. "But yeah...I'm ready."

She winced in sympathy as he clenched his jaw and balled his hands into fists against the pain.  
"Isn't there something else we can use?"

"No this stuff makes them heal faster then anything." he said trying to act like the pain didn't bother him.

He gasped as she rubbed past into the cuts on his chest.

"Sorry." she said quickly pulling away from him.

"No...it wasn't the pain...not just the pain away..."

She tilted her to one side, studying him, trying to figure out what he meant.

Despite everything he chuckled at the confusion in her eyes. "You have no idea how beautiful you are do you?"

She just stared at him. "That's kinda irrelevant..."

He smiled at her as she rubbed the nasty stuff into the last cut. Suddenly he couldn't stop himself any longer he wrapped her in his arms and held her tightly to his chest.

"Thank you Clary. Thank you for not hating me."


	27. Breathe You In

**Please don't hate me too much. I would hate me if I was you though so I understand. :P Thank you for still reading this even though I take ages to update. **

**Songs for this chapter:**

**Breathe you in by Thousand Foot Krutch ( I don't own the chapter name)**

**Break Me down by Red**

**Guardian Angel by The Red jumpsuit apparatus **

Clary didn't know what do so she simply allowed Jace to hold her close. She wrapped her arms around him and rested her head against his chest. She listened to his heavy breaths and the pounding of his heart. She could tell he was drawing strength from her closeness the way she had from him so many times.

She looked up to see his eyes shining with tears, he was clearly fighting another breakdown.

"Look at me Jace." he seemed distant even as she listened to the frantic beating of his heart and it occurred to her to wonder if this was how he felt when she had breakdowns. When he could tell she was slipping into her own mind he couldn't stop it. But sometimes he could...and no matter what his being there made it better...it was her turn to be the strong one. Her turn to protect him from his worst enemy; himself.

She looked him in the eye. "It's going to be alright Jace. What ever happened. It's going to be fine."

He simply shook his head disbelievingly and hid his face in her hair.

"I'm being stupid." he mumbled. "This shouldn't even be this big of a deal."

"You should have woke me up."

"You need your sleep Clary. And I...I don't know. I thought I needed to be alone...I'm just stupid."

"Can you tell me what happened?"

"Not now. Not yet. I ...can I just hold you for a while?" He laughed darkly. "Gotta be one the creepiest things anyone ever asked you right?"

"A bit odd yes." she played with the slightly too long hair at the back of his neck. "But that's okay."

"How can you be near me when I'm like this?" he asked bluntly.

"You're being stupid again." she said softly. "Jace...just let me help you, kay? Enough worrying about me. I'm fine. It's my turn to take care of you. If you trust me?"

He hugged her more tightly to himself.

"With my life." he whispered into her hair.

"Oh Jace." she breathed, knowing he meant it.

Hoge came back in and pretended that he hadn't seen Jace holding onto the frail looking little girl as if letting go would mean death.

"Sit." he said pointing several wooden benches next to some particularly pretty flowers. "I will know what's going on and we might as well be comfortable."

Jace nodded but seemed unable to move. Clary took him by the hand and lead him over to a bench where she sat down next to him.

"Drink." Hoge said handing them each a mug of tea.

Clary took her mug but didn't take a sip. She was watching Jace, trying to figure out what was wrong. She watched as he slowly sipped his tea. She didn't want tea. All she wanted to do was hold him till she was sure he was safe.

"Drink. It will make you feel better."

She took a small sip unwilling to trust the kindness of a stranger. Inspite of how out of it he was at the moment Jace realized what was going through her mind.

"It's okay. It helps." he said softly.

She took another sip. It was slightly bitter but with honey in it was pretty good and did seem to help. She felt herself relax a little.

Jace glanced up as if asking for strength and maybe he was. Then he said. "I got a letter."

Hoge's eyes showed that he was an intelligent man and a look of understanding passed over his face. Clary wondered though how he could catch on quite so fast. She had a strong feeling she knew what was wrong but she didn't want to think about it. She didn't what Jace to have to deal with that.

"My-my father is looking for me." his voice broke once then went hard. All traces of tears gone. He only showed emotion with Clary she had noticed. It was like he had shut down that part of himself and only turned it on for her. Of course his sibling sometimes got to see the real Jace, but for the most part it was just her.

"Was it from him? If he sent you a letter that means he knows where you are." Hoge said calmly.

"He's been tracking me though the foster care system apparently. Or at least trying to. They wouldn't tell him where I was. I got a letter from my last worker...the one who sent me to the Lightwoods... " Clary gave his hand a soft squeeze and he went on. "She said he was looking for me...he seemed to have changed...she said if she were me she'd meet him somewhere."

"Are you going to?" asked Hoge in a kindly voice. He no longer seemed angry about having two teenagers in his greenhouse in the middle of the night.

"I don't know."

Hoge nodded. "You should get some sleep. Think about in the morning. I'm going back to bed. I'm much to old to be awake at this time of night. You two can stay here as long as you wish though."

With that the two if them were alone again.

"Jace we should go home." she said, gently pulling on his arm.

"Wait...I need to tell you something."

"You gonna tell me what ever it is you didn't tell Hoge?"

"Was it that obvious?"

"It was to me."

He sighed and rubbed his neck. "Stop seeing through me so well."

"Nah. I like making you uncomfortable."

"Of course you do." he sighed again as he wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

"Jace can you tell me somewhere that's not here?"

"Why?" he gave her a strange look.

"I'm not sure...just a feeling that's all."

He gave her a worried look.

"I'm sure I'm just being stupid but..."

He shook his head. "No. I know what you mean...Let's go."

" It's okay to cry you know." she finally said in a soft voice. "It's okay to let me help you for a change."

"A change? What's different about that? You're my angel Clary. My guardian angel."

"I thought it was you who was my angel...I guess we guard each other."

Jace nodded and pulled her into his lap.

"Something's wrong Clary."

"Lots of things are wrong Jace."

He shook his head, she was right of course. He shouldn't burden her with this! But...

"After all these years...why now? I'm 19 Clary...I'm not a little kid anymore...I...I don't even know..." he trailed off his thoughts didn't make any sense in his head how was he supposed to put them into words?

"I'm happy now Clary! I have a family, an overprotective mom...an annoying little sister...I have Alec and Max ...and ...I have you." she leaned her head against his chest at this and whispered "Yes you do."

"I have everything I could want or need and yet... It's not so much that I need him as a father...or even want him...I simply can't forget him...or forgive... I want to forgive him...I never wanted to before or I didn't know I did anyway...but when you asked me how to forgive...I realized that's what's wrong, why I can't really move on..."

"Then meet with him. If don't you'll never forgive yourself...I've been thinking...to forget...we have to forgive...I'm not sure I ever can completely...but to start...we have to say the words...say them out loud...to them..."

Jace nodded. "You're right my beautiful." then the full force of what she was thinking hit him.

"Clary...you're not thinking of... Of going to talk to him are you?" he knew she was though.

"I need to."

Jace looked at her for a long time. It didn't makes sense to him that so bravery fit inside of someone so small.

"Don't try and stop me. I'm going to need you Jace."

He nodded slowly. "I won't. And of course I'll be there. Just let me know what you need."

"Can I see it? The letter I mean." she asked bring the conversation back to him. He was always so focused on her that it was hard to get him to let her be there for him.

He nodded and got up gently moving her from his lap to the bed. He kelt down on the floor and pulled out a small silver box.

"This came with the letter." he said handing into her.

She read the letter first.

_Dear Jonathan,_

_ I would like to meet with you. I have much to explain. I am sure you have many questions about your past. Some of your questions may be answered by the contents of this box, although I am certain it will also raise more._

The whole letter was like that, cold and unfeeling, not at all what you would expect from a man who had not seen or spoken to him only son in years and had supposedly changed... yet Jacs handled it as if it was the most precious thing in the world. A part of him still harbored a childish dream that perhaps his father loved him. That maybe they could be a family. There was a phone number at the bottom of the letter. Jace was clutching the letter in one hand and his phone in the other as if he planned on calling him now; at two in the morning.

"You can't call now." she whispered.

He glanced at his phone as if he hadn't even realized he was holding it.

"I know..."

"You're going to meet with him?" she asked knowing that to him there was no other choice.

"Call him anyway." he nodded. Who was kidding? Of course he was going to meet with him.

"I'll go with you if you want...and I know Alec and Izzy will too."

He nodded. "I need you all there." Clary to give him strength and understand, Isabelle to keep him from chickening out -he couldn't be a coward in front of his little sister- and Alec to hold him back if he need to be restrained...he didn't want to think about that possibility but he know it was there...Plus he just wanted his brother there with him...

Clary sat there, simply being there for him. After a long time she carefully lifted the box and held it as gently as Jace himself had. As if it was a priceless treasure because to him it was.

"May I?"

He nodded. "Please." he whispered brokenly.

In the box were several old looking letters and a sharp silver knife.

"Jace..." she trailed off looking at the knife.

"I haven't used it. But my mother did."

"She died when you were little?" Clary asked confused.

Jace shook his head. "She killed herself."

"With this?" Clary whispered stroking the knife with one finger.

"No..." his voice was choked and his breathing was ragged.

"You don't have to tell me."

He shook his head. "I do. You need to know my past...as much of it as I know anyway...you need to know who I am."

"I know who you are Jace. And your past can't change that. It might have helped shape who you are, broke you and made you stronger...but I know who you are. You're Jace. The boy who saved me. The boy keeps saving me. The boy loves me even when I'm too lost in my own mind to remember it. The boy I love with my whole heart. Nothing you can tell me will ever change that. But if you want to tell me I'd be honored to listen."

Tears were pouring down his face now as he told her everything he knew. Then he showed her the letter folded carefully under the silver knife.

_I'm so sorry Jonathan. I wouldn't leave you if there were another way. But there is not. I can not save you but I can save your sister. I'm pregnant Jace. I can not let him hurt her the way he does you. I just can't. It's hard for me to think that someday you'll be old enough to understand this, or at least read it. Please try to understand. He beats you...he makes you think you deserve it but you don't. This knife...this knife has been my only escape for so long now. I have just used it to cut the rope I will use to save your sister. Please forgive me for giving it to you. I need to know you have something of mine to remember me by. There is nothing else to give all I have at you and it. You my sweet darling are the only reason I lived this long. Please remember mommy loves you more then anything in this world. You're stronger than I was, I know can you make it. Please never give up. I wish I could be a better example. I love you my darling._

_Remember mommy loves you more than you'll ever understand._

****

**_So... Thoughts? Ideas? Anything? Please? Review for a sneak peek! I'm going to try to get a chapter up in two week or less but honestly reviews help me to write faster...I'm not trying to hold back chapters for reviews or anything like that I just need some inspiration._**


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